Selfish Sibling?

Yes I am hopefully shortly getting a new job, as I'm taking VR from current one. I will have a lot less flexibility and holiday leave than I currently do.

If there's an emergency of course I will be there, but taxis exist for normal appointments or I think sometimes the hospital can organise transport.
It's either that or I can't accept a new job and would need to retire with no income age 54.

@MumsTheWordYouKnow
"parents need to get to medical appointments etc and if they can’t drive themselves how should they get there? There’s no provision."

Wasn't the attendance allowance meant to pay towards these needs - allowing people to make their own provision?
Solutions come to mind if no family member is available- the carers who visit Mil will take her to hospital appointments if needed or an account can be set up with a local taxi firm, often they'll provide the same person to make the drop-off and pick-ups. Some local charities also provide this service.

In an ideal world, the elderly person may prefer a relative to do it - but that is not always possible.

However selfishness and saying your own parents are not your responsibility at all is rather mind blowing and sad.

If all parent/child relationships were equal, positive and healthy perhaps. My childhood was far from that and thus I feel absolutely no need to support my mother whatsoever in her old age.

She was emotionally abusive, almost killed my father in front of me and then made me help clean up the blood (I was 5) and abandoned me multiple times all over Europe. Me having boundaries is neither sad or selfish.

Of course within reason. I’m not saying we should kill ourselves looking after them. However selfishness and saying your own parents are not your responsibility at all is rather mind blowing and sad. The care and organisation of looking after them should be discussed and shared equally if possible or if not the management and decisions of care and not thrown on one person, which inevitably seems to happen. The OP clearly feels that obligation most of us feel towards their parents whilst perhaps the other sibling has too much on or is leaving on OP to do everything. To be clear, caring is also showing care. On a practical level parents need to get to medical appointments etc and if they can’t drive themselves how should they get there? There’s no provision. We live in a culture that is all set up to be earning money and trying to survive so we don’t even have time to help others and be a community. During the last 14 years things have gone to the dogs. Use your votes wisely people.

Just stop and it’s easier said than done. Take a break yourself and recharge

You can though. Not everybody feels a moral obligation to care for their parents and there is no legal obligation to compel them. All we can do is make our own choices; anger and resentment changes nothing about the situation but does make the bearer unhappy.

You can only decide what you are willing to do, you can’t decide what your sister does. I’d be really annoyed if a sibling was talking about me like this and was saying what I could fit into my schedule.

Stop doing so much, go on holiday. I believe that some people like being martyrs and judging others.

Your sister doesn't want to do it.

It doesn't matter how many of her reasons you deconstruct, she doesn't want to and you can't make her.

You're only in control of your own decisions.

Parents responsibility to a child is not the same as a child’s responsibility to their parents.

It’s not about ‘ditching them’. It’s about still having a life, work commitments, children, a partner etc. If some people are willing to make themselves exhausted and miserable to look after their parents when others options are available, they’re being a martyr. As a parent, I don’t expect my children to look after me, especially to the point that they’re struggling to have a life and feel exhausted.

A few years ago, someone we know was in her late 40s, with teens, a husband and job and juggling the care needs of her elderly parents. She was so stressed, never had time to eat and sleep properly and ended up having a stroke. She now has higher care needs than her elderly parents. Her kids and husband have essentially lost the mum and wife they had.

I too looked after my Step Dad who was palliative and after he died my Mum.My mum became depressed when widowed then had a stroke had carers but then refused them as she thought they were useless.She did live alone though and managed to do her own microwave meals etc .She was challenging as had frequent falls and after her stroke her behaviour changes and she would get nasty and moan about the shopping I did for her .I work full time .She would demand I collect her from hospital when in reality I do not finish work until 4 .I often helped her to wash as she would neglect herself.No other family helped.I became burntout and had breast cancer and a mastectomy ect .I am certain stress contributed to this.Ring gp say you are burntout .Take mum to gp for a health asessment and a memory asessment also In case she has dementia .I feel fir you as couldn't get help .

What a lovely attitude. In other countries parents are the child’s responsibility, just like we were their responsibility. You can’t simply ditch your parents

You don’t sound happy and calm.

Lots of people did agree with me, unless they hit the ‘thanks’ button by accident.

Keep your beak out if your siblings lives. It’s none of your business.

I think it’s an awful burden to expect your kids to look after you in old age - it destroys families and individuals, I know very few families who come through it unscathed. Mil keeps saying she feels like a burden but by god she dug her heels in to avoid having carers, told Social Services she didn’t need them as family were happy to help, which is lovely for her but the toll it takes on the family is quite devastating and it’s time it started being talked about more openly especially now that people are living into the 90s as the norm.

This. Those of us who will not have anyone to care for us do understand that there is no automatic entitlement to care from an adult child. It is on all of us to take responsibility for ourselves, and not expect others to do it.

@CoralTiger I don’t think it’s a good idea to post on AIBU and expect support - it’s not the best place for that. As a previous poster has suggested you should post of the elderly parents forum, but be warned the central message will likely be the same if not delivered in a more sympathetic way - you can’t make your sister help, what you need to do is reset your boundaries to only doing what you are able to do and bring in paid help/social services for the rest.

You were apparently ‘genuinely interested in the views of others’, so I gave my view, which lots of people agreed with me on. Don’t ask if you don’t want people’s views and how they’d approach the situation.

Keep being a martyr but you’ll be continue to be miserable and angry and exhausted. Your choice, and it is a choice.

I'm sorry you're getting a hard time here. You may find more support on the Elderly Parents section.

In an ideal world your sibling would step up and help you out (and your mum), but you cannot make her. It is incredibly upsetting and frustrating and I have been in your shoes.

The level of support your mum will need in the future is only going to increase, so you would be wise to try and get systems in place now e.g. carers/cleaners/gardeners etc. rather than trying to do it all. Yes, it still requires someone (you) to organise those systems, but you need to find ways of taking some of the pressure off yourself.

Looking after elderly parents is hardwork, stressful and draining, you need to prioritise yourself and be very honest/realistic about what you can offer. Focusing on what your sibling will or won't do isn't going to do you any good.

Such a tricky situation. My sil was the main carer due to geography - has other siblings who for their own real reasons couldn’t help enough to lighten the load. It wasn't even clear the load was unbearable as Sil was an appalling communicator and hadn’t shared how things were until she had a breakdown - we jumped in arranged solutions and got paid carers, it wasn’t easy, took longer than we’d hoped, thankfully our employers were sympathetic but the load was lifted.

It all nearly unraveled when sil realised we weren’t paying the carer’s bill, her inheritance was being eaten into - money is often the problem and it’s not that the elderly don’t have it - they or the family just don’t want to spend it.

Things are better now but I’d say the siblings relationship has taken a permanent bruising and from what I can gather from amongst my friends - they have experienced a similar breakdown in family relations.
My advice - don’t do this to your kids - if you can afford it, arrange your own care needs, that’s our plan anyway, to hell with the inheritance.

Except you say your parents deserve you and your sister to care for them and I am simply pointing out you don't really know whether that's the case. Because there may be some reason why they don't deserve your sister to care for them that you aren't aware of.

Your circumstances are clearly very different from mine so I’m not sure why you seem to be taking my post personally. Your relationship with your mum/parents changed because of their behaviour, not because they stopped being useful to you due to illness and/ or old age. Some people are selfish and only care about self gain. My sister is one example, there are many more. Not everyone cuts contact because of trauma, not everyone is a lovely person. That’s a fact.

@CoralTiger it isn't toxic just to disagree or put forward valid reasons why your sister might not be inclined to help.

Yes that's as maybe but by the same token some aren't necessarily being so and even siblings don't always know how their relationships with their parents differ to those their sibling had.

I had 2 traumatic events happen to me - one where I wasn't believed by my mother and another where I was basically told to get over it. My siblings aren't aware that one happened and my mother's response to the other. So at the end of the day perhaps I would be less inclined to help whereas they wouldn't.

Well, you got the validation you were looking for. I genuinely hope it lightens you load, because I doubt it will change your sister's mind.