To not want to help in-laws anymore?

What a pair of wankers. No more favours! Is your husband working? Why would you need to use a food bank?

@catkam That sounds really bad. You are a tremendous help to them and deserve much better treatment. My inlaws treat me like a daughter. They are thoughtful and considerate and when I do things to help them they are appreciative. It's reciprocal. Your inlaws are not appreciating what they have in front of them. And, unfortunately, your DH isn't helping matters. I don't blame you one bit for focussing on your own business instead.

Absolutely right - I think I would be too busy working on my business to offer all this help. They are not kind and they are not treating you like family. Although to be honest it sounds a bit dysfunctional and like your DH might be the golden child anyway - just because he says they treat you like a daughter doesn't make it true!

Also, agree with pp’s. Is your dh not helping you financially? Perhaps they assume that he is or that when they gift to him they are also gifting to you (doesn’t make it right imo but could be how they think).

I’d just say you’re too busy to help. I get on well with my dmil but tbh I think she saw me as an extension of dh for many years. Nothing horrible but it would be me she’d call to help with things or to remind about great aunt Hilda’s birthday etc (I never ever forgot and didn’t need reminding) but dh who she would thank effusively (for my labour). Dh would say that she’s really thanking both of us but she quite obviously wasn’t! I tolerated it for a long time as she was a great help with the kids but eventually I snapped and stopped. I wasn’t rude or nasty to her, I just stopped being as available and directed her to dh more. Funnily enough she’s been much better since I asserted myself, it’s like she now understands that I’m a real person. Plus I am far more reliable than dh.

They are taking you for granted like many people take their daughters for granted. They showed with your husband's sibling that they see relationships as transactional.

YANBU. I wouldn't bother telling them that they're ungrateful etc as I think its one of those things whereby if a person can't see it for themselves already no amount of telling is going to make any difference. It would either cause an argument or just be frustrating for you but each and every time you are asked for help say no, you're too busy (no matter how big or small the task). If you feel its necessary to give a reason, you're busy trying to build up your business but hopefully repeated no will suffice.

Yes, focus on your work for the time being. If they ask for help, suggest they contact Age Concern.

The lack of a holiday souvenir would bother me too. I'm not being materialistic, it doesn't need to be huge, but a bottle of wine from duty free or something just as a token of appreciation gives a long way.

Stop helping them.

It’s probably not worth falling out over. Just say you’re busy when they next need help and withdraw doing favours for them gently. But you’re right, they see you as his wife, not as their daughter in law!

Why isn't your husband helping you financially (it sounds from your post as though you have separate finances)? If your finances are joint, and he is equally suffering, I don't think it is unfair on him to share his money concerns with his parents.

But generally, just drop the rope if you don't feel appreciated.

YANBU. They sound unkind.

I would say don't leave your DH to pussyfoot about and talk to them on your behalf - it may be an uncomfortable coversation but I would suggest telling them directly how you feel before you step back.

My husband doesn't think MIL has done anything wrong and insists that they do see me as a daughter.

I'd be telling him I'm not interested in what he thinks regarding this issue, you are absolutely not treated like a daughter, and you will no longer be their skivvy ever, ever again. Discussion over, this topic is now closed.

Stop then and let them take advantage of someone else