To not want to help in-laws anymore?

Wait, what? Does your husband work?

His parents pay all his bills, and he pays for what, exactly?

I would be tempted to "lose" my phone and make myself unavailable for a few weeks until a SIM card arrives.

During that time all requests for help will come through husband and he can reply no on your behalf.

By the time you come back online, they should have got the message that you're not doing it anymore and you won't get the direct requests.

I would stop too if I were in your position. I'd use the time to invest in yourself, your endeavours, education, temporary work etc.

If they thought you needed a food bank, wouldn't this indicate that their son may not get fed?

Sorry I am very busy at work/arranging work so you’ll need to ask DH/sibling/ anyone else.
and repeat.

I am the person who arranged all the visits to DHs parents, getting DH to book holidays etc. thought about and organised thoughtful and sometimes complicated gifts, sorted things out for them.
In return all I got were negative comments about not making an effort, constant criticism. Shit passive aggressive presents. So I stopped. Some people aren’t worth the effort.

CFs the pair of them. One way to make money is dog care. £20 per day per dog plus they supply the food is the cheapest deal around here.
Stop everything you’re doing. They sound awful.

Your husband is as bad as his parents - it’s a strange marriage for sure.

Anyway I am self employed and work has dried up and it has hit me financially and in laws know this (husband mentioned it in conversation) and my MIL came over to suggest that I visit a food bank!

???

The fact this doesn't ping on your husband's radar suggest he's as cray cray as they are. Hence, in typical Mumsnet style, it behoves me to say - your problems lie with your husband and not his unusual-of-thinking parents.

Best of luck.

This is what I'd do- they suggested a food bank so next time they require help suggest they contact age concern. They can hardly get angry about it if they suggested a food bank to you can they?! 😉you were only trying to be helpful after all

I'm absolutely horrified that she suggested you use a food bank rather than offering to help you...after all you've done for them. Seriously op, don't lift a finger for them.

YANBU. Direct them to DH for everything from now on.

Have you posted about them before? I thought you were going to stop doing anything for them after your last thread?

So they're traditional to the point that they think you should sort out their problems, but not traditional enough to tell their son that he should be supporting you financially?

If you got a divorce you wouldn’t be struggling as you are while he lets his parents give him money and point you to a food bank. And you’d never have to see any of them again.

Something to ponder if you’re considering it.

Sounds like the being "seen as a daughter" here is in no way a compliment or term of endearment. It's basically code for "skivy". They give you absolutely nothing positive in return. You should certainly stop helping them. I would reduce my time around them tbh. They sound unpleasant.

What do you mean by 'treating you like a daughter'? Because sometimes that is how people treat a daughter, as an unpaid skivvy -- maybe that's their view of the situation.

I agree with PP, it’s your husband that is the first and biggest problem you have. When you’re married it should be both of your problems if one is having financial struggles (through no fault of their own). I can bet they wouldn’t help your DH so much if you had joint finances.

and if he gave a toss about you he would be helping you rather than gossiping about it to your in laws unless he was expecting them to offer to help you out?

sound sleep as though he enjoys the hand outs from his parents so he’s not going to side with them over you and ‘rock his financial boat’ by upsetting them

In the days when wives were expected to do 'everything' they usually weren't expected to work in paid employment...

If I were you, I'd be taking a massive step back from the ILs. You don't have to be rude about it; just give some thought as to what relationship YOU want with them and then act in accordance.

So they expect the relationship to be traditional, as in the wife picks up on care duties, but at the same time it's not traditional as your finances are separate and your DH isn't supporting you at all despite you having a hard time at the moment

They can't have it both ways. If your DH won't contribute to help you out and his parents back that up, make damn sure you don't help his parents out either

So they help him out even though he doesn't need it but he doesn't help you and leaves you to struggle because your business has hit a rough patch? Nice guy!

I do feel a lot of pressure to help them etc as in laws are form an era where the wives were expected to do everything.

It sounds like your DH has absorbed that attitude and therefore also expects you to do everything. Remind him that this is 2024 not 1950.

And his insistence that they see you as a daughter is his code for 'shut up and get on with it'.

You're fine to make them all his problem now.

You stop helping them completely. I'd be so insulted by the food bank comment.

You are being used. So your DH can do it all from now on as you have to concentrate your energy into your business

Anything they ask of you signpost to your DH. Every single time.

I'm guessing your marriage is far from happy, because everything you've written so far is absolute shit. What's the point?

Even with separate finances the comment about food bank is unacceptable. I would not want anything to do after such comment. Also them just recognising DH with presents etc is rude. I think it's completely justified to stop helping them and your DH and his siblings can take help their parents. They are not showing any kindness and appreciation towards you so your DH'a comment on that is not on.

Seperate finances are odd in a married couple, but each to their own.

But finances that are so separate you pay for your own food rather than family food is batshit!

Your problem is your husband. In laws come a close second!

I'm confident by the food bank comment too (it was very rude btw).
Surely if you have no income your DH will cover costs such as food. Does he sit and eat his own food in front of you??
On the other points, these people sound obnoxious and your DH has his head in the sand.

I would definitely be having words with him. (And cutting them off).