To not want to help in-laws anymore?

OP, it sounds as though you might be in a very toxic marriage and not fully realising.

Op I really hate that term LTB and obviously it's a bit ott but why is your husband trying to make you think this situation is ok is beyond me. The inalws sound disgusting and your hubby is an enabler.. if I were you I'd call it out, tell your hubby exactly what you feel and stop helping the inlaws. I would also seriously be considering why your husband allows you to be used. He should tell you not to help them if they are this selfish.

Drop the rope. Find a few good get out clauses 'sorry I can't help as I am working on a key job application this week/visiting a friend/minding my friend's dog already'. Stay firm, 'sorry, no I can't - why not ask DH?'. DO NOT WAIVER!

Eventually they will stop asking you. Spend your freedom up time doing other things that benefit you - as someone above said, people pay for pet sitters - you could be charging!

Agree with others that your husband is an issue too. Bet he loves an easy life and lots of fuss.

Do you have separate food as well? Why are you struggling and needing a foodbank on your own?

He's not a good husband if he is willing to let you starve and not support you. Seems a horrid family you've become involved with.

Just because you don’t have separate finances doesn’t mean people who do are “odd”.

I couldn’t bear not having them separate. We’ve a joint account for household expenses but that’s it!

!!!!!!!! OP bloody listen to this. You’re a live in skivvy for this family.

Forget your in laws, what the hell is wrong with your husband!

Are you ok with this because no way would my DH see me go to food bank whilst he's sitting on all his expensive gifts.

“
I do feel a lot of pressure to help them etc as in laws are form an era where the wives were expected to do everything.”

in the same era, husbands 100% supported wives financially and provided for the family.

Is he your husband or a partner/boyfriend?

Why would you visit a food bank when your husband can support? Does he work?

Was MIL financially independent? If no - I’d ask her what her regular food bank is !

You have a DH problem as well as a PIL problem.

My DH says this to me as well, “they see you as a daughter”. Well yes, if that DD was someone who needed to follow the stately homes threads on here, and needed therapy, then yes.

Your DH says this to keep you where he wants you - doing stuff for them. I bet any money that your DH doesn’t see your parents as his, doing things selflessly for them.

As a DIL I have found that I am damned if I do, damned if I don’t, so I now make zero effort.

I was once told, ‘’the only problem with sons is you have to put up with their wives”. Well, let me tell you that you only have to put up with one of me, whereas I have to put up with a MIL, FIL, Great GM, numerous uncles, aunts, cousins, SILs and whatever dickheads they are all married to. F*ck me, there is a coach load of them.

Mine don’t see me as a DD, or family for that matter. It is just DH who thinks I am, for his own reasons. I have actually been told I am not family by them a few times, despite being with my DH for 3 decades, and having the only DGC in his family. It hurt at the time, but now it works in my favour because when I am expected to do something for them I say, “oh no, not me. I am not family. I have my own family to deal with”.

Projection and rant over.

YANBU

Stuff that. Cheeky sods.

Next time they ask tell them you don't have time because you're visiting the food bank.

And don't breed with him. No good will come of it.

The problem you have is your husband OP. Would he actually see you go hungry or would he also tell you to visit a foodbank? He sounds like a dick tbh.

You need to focus on income atm. So yes, tell them to contact age concern or your husband.

Nothing changed until you make it.

I'd be telling DH what kind of a rich mother would be telling their DD to use a food bank? Therefore you are definitely not treated like a DD. Next time MiL asks me to do a job for her I'd smile sweetly and say sorry I'm sorting my food bank visit then.

If they see adult daughters are unpaid carers/skivvies whose labour isn't valued then yes they absolutely they see you as a daughter. Out of interest what sex are the other siblings?

Separate finances/no help when you’re struggling but husband expects you to pick up the slack with his parents? Come on OP.

Bloody hell, your issue here isnt your in laws, its your stupid selfish husband.

Why on earth isnt he helping you- would he seriously let you go without food?

My jaw is on the floor at this.

What did your DH think when he got lots of gifts and you didn't get anything? Why do you have separate finances? If you don't have any money at the moment how are you coping?

Please Op, can you explain why your MIL thinks you need to go to a foodbank? Are you and your DH like housemates, but you do all the crap for his mum and he'll watch you starve? I don't get it.

Me and my husband have separate finances and in laws have paid for his car to be fixed, paid credit card debts, paid his share of the bills etc.

Separate for money, together for the shitwork. You need a new husband. Or no husband. But the one you have is broken.

This!!! You have a DH problem,

Who owns your home? Do you both pay mortgage and bills in equal amounts or almost?

I am wondering whether if you benefit from what your in-laws give dh? How will inheritance work? Will dh keep his separate?

Do you have parents? Who helps them? Does dh do anything for them?

I think you’ve done the right thing by stepping back. My MIL is very similar, huge demands on me to do things for her, as she couldn’t or wouldn’t do them. Then wouldn’t even say thank you, even if i spent hours sorting things. Situation was slightly different though as my partner did nothing and would direct MIL to me. When i challenged them about this, apparently my partner is ‘very busy’ and ‘works harder’. In that moment i knew how little she valued my time and effort.
as a result i stopped doing anything for her, she wasn’t happy about it and neither was my partner but i’d had enough.
For your own sanity and self esteem, don’t go back to being their skivvy, you’re worth so much more!

OP, I'm echoing the question from others. Separate finances are one thing but how are the food costs split between you? Do you actually eat separately to DH? Otherwise, the food bank thing is very confusing.