Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to help in-laws anymore?

89 replies

catkam · 13/06/2024 13:01

So I have an okayish relationship with my in laws.
My husband claims they see me as a daughter but I dont feel that they do.

For last couple of years I have helped them where I can such as sorting out mobile devices, helping with laptops, e Bay disputes, pet sitting the dogs when they have gone abroad, shopping, writing letter's,loads of things and it has all been quite time consuming to be honest.

I don't really feel that they appreciate all the help that I have given them to be honest, as I rarely get a thank you and it just seems that the help is expected because I am married to their son.

My husband does help them as well and they have helped him financially in the past and treat him to things all the time from a cake, money, to North Face jackets etc , my in laws are extremely wealthy and spoil my husband but not the other sibling who does not help them.

A few weeks ago they went on a cruise for 2 weeks and asked us to look after the dogs.
When they got back they had brought my husbands loads of gifts and I got nothing.

Not even a thank you card.

Anyway I am self employed and work has dried up and it has hit me financially and in laws know this (husband mentioned it in conversation) and my MIL came over to suggest that I visit a food bank!

I am so insulted by this and I have told my husband to not discuss my business with them and that I won't be helping them anymore as my help is not appreciated and I would rather use that time to be sorting out my business/ making money.

I would never ask for money as it is not in my nature but I do feel that if they truly saw me as a daughter that they would of at least offered to help instead of seeing me struggle?

I am no way saying that they should give me money but help goes both ways and I have so much and wasted hours of my time helping them.

In the past I would buy them birthday cakes and really put a lot of thought into birthday/Xmas presents just to be given out of date Ferrero Rocher.

I have told my husband they will have to make arrangements as I can't help them anymore and I am so insulted by the food bank comment.

My husband doesn't think MIL has done anything wrong and insists that they do see me as a daughter.

Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
New posts on this thread. Refresh page
JanetareyouokareyouokJanet · 14/06/2024 00:01

I had a very wealthy grandparent offer me old dog towels to start me off in my new home when I was really young, the food bank comment is just as irritating and unhelpful. Stop helping them.

Beautiful3 · 13/06/2024 21:59

Oh my goodness, I'm truly shocked that she didn't offer any help with groceries! She is very cold and uncaring. I agree with you, stop helping them. They are your husband's parents, not yours! How rude of them, not to buy you anything. The lack of recognition is very upsetting. Get some paid work and keep yourself busy, and Stop helping them.

justasmalltownmum · 13/06/2024 21:36

This isn't even a discussion to be had.

Just stop helping them. You don't need to tell anyone you are stopping. Just stop.

Motheranddaughter · 13/06/2024 21:27

Just roll back a bit and let DH and siblings pick up any slack
I am very fond of my In-laws but no way would I take on caring responsibilities for them

diddl · 13/06/2024 21:24

So husband doesn't work but lets wife who does run around after his parents?

Allwelcone · 13/06/2024 20:37

You have a DH problem

ZekeZeke · 13/06/2024 19:25

Why doesn't your husband work?
And as he doesn't work, he should be the one looking after his parents?

crockofshite · 13/06/2024 19:15

Husband just said that none of it was intentional

Well it may not be intentional but it is happening.

So the fact that it's happening at all - intentional or unintentional - isn't nice and YANBU to refuse their requests for help. As you said, signpost them to their own grown up children to help them.

GoFigure235 · 13/06/2024 19:00

Your husband is the issue here.

This is crazy - you're expected to spend time, money and effort helping the "family" but the family won't even help you to ensure that you have enough to eat.

Please tell me you don't have children with this man.

My advice would be to tell the whole lot of them, including him, to get tae fuck. Users, the lot of them.

TusconTrain · 13/06/2024 18:21

It doesn't matter whether or not they see you as a daughter, the question is do they treat you like a daughter?

(Maybe they think daughters should be skivvies!)

crumblingschools · 13/06/2024 18:18

@Decompressing2 it would appear DH doesn't work and has no income, so his parents are paying his half of the bills.

Decompressing2 · 13/06/2024 18:00

I’m feeling confused / if you are struggling financially why is your husband not helping you - why do you think your parents m’n’law should help you?
but yes agree - stop helping them if they are not treating you very well

AcrossthePond55 · 13/06/2024 18:00

YA defo NBU, but have you posted about this before? I seem to remember an almost identical post some months ago. If you are that same poster, I hope you have the strength this time to put your foot down and keep it there.

LuckySantangelo35 · 13/06/2024 17:59

YANBU op

Dancingontheedge · 13/06/2024 17:54

Unless his illness means he is incapable of doing so, he should be doing all the stuff related to his family’s needs, and you for yours. In almost 40 years of marriage, the most I’ve done is sign cards he’s purchased.
We have separate finances, but a joint account for household costs.
And you need to get a job.

crumblingschools · 13/06/2024 17:44

So do you have no income coming into the home at the moment? Can you get a job?

Mummy2024 · 13/06/2024 17:44

catkam · 13/06/2024 13:01

So I have an okayish relationship with my in laws.
My husband claims they see me as a daughter but I dont feel that they do.

For last couple of years I have helped them where I can such as sorting out mobile devices, helping with laptops, e Bay disputes, pet sitting the dogs when they have gone abroad, shopping, writing letter's,loads of things and it has all been quite time consuming to be honest.

I don't really feel that they appreciate all the help that I have given them to be honest, as I rarely get a thank you and it just seems that the help is expected because I am married to their son.

My husband does help them as well and they have helped him financially in the past and treat him to things all the time from a cake, money, to North Face jackets etc , my in laws are extremely wealthy and spoil my husband but not the other sibling who does not help them.

A few weeks ago they went on a cruise for 2 weeks and asked us to look after the dogs.
When they got back they had brought my husbands loads of gifts and I got nothing.

Not even a thank you card.

Anyway I am self employed and work has dried up and it has hit me financially and in laws know this (husband mentioned it in conversation) and my MIL came over to suggest that I visit a food bank!

I am so insulted by this and I have told my husband to not discuss my business with them and that I won't be helping them anymore as my help is not appreciated and I would rather use that time to be sorting out my business/ making money.

I would never ask for money as it is not in my nature but I do feel that if they truly saw me as a daughter that they would of at least offered to help instead of seeing me struggle?

I am no way saying that they should give me money but help goes both ways and I have so much and wasted hours of my time helping them.

In the past I would buy them birthday cakes and really put a lot of thought into birthday/Xmas presents just to be given out of date Ferrero Rocher.

I have told my husband they will have to make arrangements as I can't help them anymore and I am so insulted by the food bank comment.

My husband doesn't think MIL has done anything wrong and insists that they do see me as a daughter.

Am I being unreasonable?

I have no words absolutely none.... your absolutely in the right and if your husband can't see it that's on him. He will just be sat patiently by waiting for his inheritance if I'm honest...

Let your husband do all the looking after them from now on dogs aswell. They are very clearly selfish. They have money to help but would rather see strangers feed their own son so they don't have to. Disgraceful.

Bumblebeeinatree · 13/06/2024 17:39

And maybe suggest presents should be essentials like food not extravagances, since your living standards are so far apart.

Bumblebeeinatree · 13/06/2024 17:36

Tell them their son needs to go to the food bank if he can't support his family

GerbilsForever24 · 13/06/2024 17:34

There's a lot wrong with their attitude. Not least that they think their son and his wife should use a food bank. If I was in that kind of dire straights, my dad would NOT be happy, but I don't think he'd be telling me to use a foodbank while swanning off on a bloody cruise.

And yes, if you have been pet sitting for them, any gifts following their cruise should be for both of you - nice wine/food basket to share or individual gifts.

I think you also have a DH problem here becuase he doesn't seem to think aby of this is weird.

Idontgiveashitanymore · 13/06/2024 17:10

You focus on getting a job and tell him that it’s his responsibility to pander to them…

CatherineofAmazon · 13/06/2024 17:03

Let your husband do all the ‘wife work’ in future to earn all the nice gifts they constantly give him. They sound awful and obviously do not see you like a daughter just a dutiful daughter in law.

poolemoney · 13/06/2024 16:50

Did you ask her why she didn't tell your husband to visit the food bank?

Original poster
catkam · 13/06/2024 16:43

So we pay halves on the mortgage, bills and food shopping.
What she meant was that I should visit the food bank to get food for the both of us.

I pay my half of the bills etc whilst she will pay husbands half as he has been of work for months now due to illness.

I have a little bit of savings my parents have borrowed me some money to tie me over.

They have never said to me directly "we see you as a daughter" this is what my husband tells me.

I have explained to him that it is not my responsibility to be helping them and that from now on him and his brother should be the ones helping them as they are not even my parents.

OP posts:
Blinds1 · 13/06/2024 16:16

You are clearly not a team with your husband, but it suits him for you to skivvy for his parents.
Do not answer your phone to them again and any texts, forward them on to him and his sibling.
They are awful people who see you as a fool to be used.
Wake up to it and stop being used.
What an awful family.
You deserve better.