Page 4 | DH in a bad mood because I'm home late?

syndromeImposter · 2024-06-13T11:08:12+00:00

I've just started a new job, huge step up so I'm not my usual pre organised self. Messaged DH last minute at 5 saying I was out for drinks with a client, that I'd be later than normal. Asked if he needed anything. He requested beers. Messaged hour later asking again if he needed anything, he said take away. There were no good take outs near. So picked up beers, salad, chicken and pizza from a nearby deli and headed home. Messaged an hour and a half later saying I was on my way with beers and pizza and he lost it. Saying if I told him earlier that's all I was bringing in, he would have driven out to get food & beers - that he didn't want to wait for deli pizza? Have I done something wrong or is it just because I'm late?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 14/06/2024 09:22

Your update makes even less sense now.

Why keep asking if he wanted anything when it wasn't easy for you to get anything anyway and any hot food would be going cold anyway?
Why, if it was only a 30 minute taxi journey, did you pick food up and still not text until an hour and half later saying you'd picked up food?

You didn't mention before that you'd offered one thing he didn't want. Just that nothing was close.

Is he usually sulky and annoyed with you?

He might still be moping because he's annoyed by what happened yesterday and the fact you were acting like you were right when he disagreed

crumblingschools · 14/06/2024 09:16

Is there a reason you asked him if he needed anything if he was at home with the car @syndromeImposter

Original poster

syndromeImposter · 14/06/2024 09:11

Completely get that I was being a bit non committal, which would be annoying. DH was at home, with a car to get beers or pick up a take away - 5 minutes drive away and food in the fridge. I was in a city and had to walk to pick up beers, then walk to collect food, then took a 30 minute cab home. I offered to bring hot take away in, but he didn't want the option I suggested, which was something I could pick up on the way home.
He made a few comments today, that he was left to clean the house while I was out as we have friends over tonight - so suspect that's more the issue than the food!

OP posts:

redskydarknight · 14/06/2024 08:54

This thread seems to be roughly split between

Of course OP is right, her DH is a man and therefore naturally in the wrong. He should have cooked even if OP did say she was getting take away and
Of course if someone rings you and said they will pick up takeaway you expect them to turn up with takeaway in a timely manner and not 1.5 hours later with no takeaway

For what it's worth my DH is going out today. Our conversation went as follows:

DH: I'm doing xyz today. Not sure what time I'll be home. Suggest you and the DC have tea when you want, and I can just sort something for myself

Me: It's chilli tonight so it'll reheat easily if you want to just have it when you get back

DH: Great, I'll bear that in mind then - if I do end up getting something while I'm out, I'll have the chilli for lunch tomorrow

This feels like a more normal communication that leaves no one in doubt as to what the plan for dinner is and ensures no food is wasted. None of the vagueness and need to read between the lines of OP and her DH's conversation.

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 05:01

rwalker · 14/06/2024 04:29

Yes baffling that you’ve even asked that

for disclosure I’m not disabled or have special needs
but if my wife messaged me at the time she was due to set off home and OFFERED to get me something and I asked for a takeaway and she said she would get one

then I would presume she was on her way home then not hours laters and sit and wait

whilst I’m 100% capable of cooking a meal ( I probably cooker over 1/2 the time due regularly being the 1st home)
i wouldn’t cook anything as takeaway was apparently on route

Show quote history

Why are you wilfully ignoring that she told him she was going to be home later than normal?

At that point the onus is on him to ask what time.

poolemoney · 14/06/2024 04:59

He’s a knob. Don’t offer to get him anything next time.

rwalker · 14/06/2024 04:29

GingerPirate · 13/06/2024 20:18

Is your husband disabled, or does he have special needs?
Baffling.

Yes baffling that you’ve even asked that

for disclosure I’m not disabled or have special needs
but if my wife messaged me at the time she was due to set off home and OFFERED to get me something and I asked for a takeaway and she said she would get one

then I would presume she was on her way home then not hours laters and sit and wait

whilst I’m 100% capable of cooking a meal ( I probably cooker over 1/2 the time due regularly being the 1st home)
i wouldn’t cook anything as takeaway was apparently on route

LittleTiger007 · 13/06/2024 20:57

DappledThings · 13/06/2024 12:20

Were you clear you weren't heading home at the time you texted? If DH asked me if I needed anything I'd assume he was on the way back now, not 2 hours later.

Edited

This.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/06/2024 20:46

bluewaxcrayon · 13/06/2024 20:24

what does this have to do with anything?
And no he isn't having an affair where does this even come from 😂😂

Show quote history

It comes from the previous poster saying if it was the other way round MN would be saying he is late home because he is having an affair and my response was to that poster addressing that point and wasn't directed at you but hey ho here you are again unable to get your head round the fact that people live life in different ways to the way you do.

Epidote · 13/06/2024 20:43

If I understood your post correctly OP, between your first text and you arriving home 3 hours passed.
I don't think is because you are late is because you have created an expectation of dinner and beers and they arrived late. You were acting as the delivery guy who arrived 3 hours late.

I would be pissed off as well if my partner txt were that ambiguous and open to create a expectation of something I fancy for drink, eat.

Next time don't offer to pick anything and tell him you will arriving late so he can sort himself.

justasking111 · 13/06/2024 20:36

Didimum · 13/06/2024 12:48

Those timings don't tally up. You said you initially messaged at 5pm – then an hour later (6pm), then messaged again an hour and a half after that (7:30), saying you were on your way – why were you then home at 8:30 – another hour longer?

On the face of it, you weren't clear with what time you were actually leaving and arriving home, which is just courteous to your spouse. I would also be irritated with drip-feeding messages that went on for 3.5 hrs.

Edited

Show quote history

I agree it's the drip feed that would annoy me.

Better to say I'm going to be late, go ahead and eat.

Dibbydoos · 13/06/2024 20:31

VestPantsandSocks · 13/06/2024 12:13

Why did you keep asking him if he needed anything?

The problem is that you treated him like a child and he reacted like one.

I agree.

Youre working late, he sorts tea. Is it a partnership or not?

Btw YANBU, he is.

bluewaxcrayon · 13/06/2024 20:24

Spirallingdownwards · 13/06/2024 20:12

No I wouldn't because my DH is also in a career where he often goes out with clients in the evening and works late. And no he isn't having an affair. Its just the reality of having a professional career. But I get some people don't have that and live a more 9 to 5 life and teas on the table at 6.30 life.

Show quote history

what does this have to do with anything?
And no he isn't having an affair where does this even come from 😂😂

Swanbeauty · 13/06/2024 20:21

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn at OP's request.

GingerPirate · 13/06/2024 20:18

Is your husband disabled, or does he have special needs?
Baffling.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/06/2024 20:15

bluewaxcrayon · 13/06/2024 19:34

What I read is that SHE asked.

When DH messages me to ask me what I fancy, I reply. I will probably feel I fancy a pizza instead of cooking then.

If he then turns up 2.5 hours later, after messaging every hour, I'd be very pissed off with him

I still stand by the assumption mainly because he was hacked off that her promotion I agree, you are massively projecting 😂

Show quote history

As are you. Could she have said I am not leaving quite yet. Yes. Could he have asked what time should I expect you? Also yes.

They both know now what to do if it happens again which it most likely will if this issue part of her new role. But he was still acting like a petty manchild not being able to fend for himself whilst waiting.

Spirallingdownwards · 13/06/2024 20:12

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 13/06/2024 19:02

I can almost guarantee that had OP posted
"My DH has just got a new job. He text me to say he'd be late as he was meeting a client in a bar and did I want anything. I said "wine please". He text again a bit later to say he was still out and did I need anything else so I asked him to bring a take away as it would be late when he got in and I hadn't cooked yet. An hour and a half later he text to say he was finally on his way home. With deli pizza I'd need to cook/reheat. I was fuming. WIBU?"

Then those posters saying he was being a manchild, couldn't he have cooked, he's trying to sabotage her work etc would be telling OP she was perfectly reasonable to be angry, that DH should have said he was delayed, would probably say he was having an affair, tell him he can't make working late a habit etc

No I wouldn't because my DH is also in a career where he often goes out with clients in the evening and works late. And no he isn't having an affair. Its just the reality of having a professional career. But I get some people don't have that and live a more 9 to 5 life and teas on the table at 6.30 life.

fieldsofbutterflies · 13/06/2024 19:37

If my DH agreed to pick up a takeaway and then didn't even bother heading home for another 90 minutes, I'd be pissed off too, especially if he then turned up with a supermarket pizza and salad.

I could sort all that out myself without sitting around and waiting for no reason.

bluewaxcrayon · 13/06/2024 19:34

Spirallingdownwards · 13/06/2024 18:38

No she knows now to just bring her own and let him sort himself out.

He wanted the takeaway and was cross because it was a pizza that needed slinging in the oven for what 10-15 minutes. He had food there but couldn't be arsed to cook for himself. I still stand by the assumption mainly because he was hacked off that her promotion means she will be out with clients from time to time and he isn't able to handle that she is getting on in her career.

As another poster said the fact that OP seems to feel the need to pander to him suggests that he has already shown this to be the case. My ex was like this. Happy when I got qualified in a profession and earned more than double I was pre qualification but not happy when it meant later nights and client hospitality.

She should put down a marker. If he isn't cooking he sorts his own takeaway.

Show quote history

What I read is that SHE asked.

When DH messages me to ask me what I fancy, I reply. I will probably feel I fancy a pizza instead of cooking then.

If he then turns up 2.5 hours later, after messaging every hour, I'd be very pissed off with him

I still stand by the assumption mainly because he was hacked off that her promotion I agree, you are massively projecting 😂

BagFullOfNoodles · 13/06/2024 19:26

If DH text me at five saying he was having drinks after work did I want anything and I replied, then an hour later text again asking if I wanted anything and I said dinner, I would have assumed the second text was because he was leaving and on his way home, if he then text 90 minutes later and said I'm leaving now and when I get in the food needs to be cooked, I'd be annoyed. Don't ask me if I want things if you're not coming home for another 3.5 hours, I could've just sorted my own dinner.

Justrolledmyeyesoutloud · 13/06/2024 19:23

PerfectTravelTote · 13/06/2024 12:25

He said he would have gone out for his own beer and pizza. It sounds like you kept him hanging on for a few hours waiting for a take away pizza that you offered to bring but you didn't bring. I see his point.

I do too. My dh has done this before and it really annoyed me cos l was waiting for him before l ate.

VeryGoodVeryNiceChickenNugget · 13/06/2024 19:22

VestPantsandSocks · 13/06/2024 12:13

Why did you keep asking him if he needed anything?

The problem is that you treated him like a child and he reacted like one.

I'd be pissed off too if someone kept asking me if I wanted stuff then didn't come back with it until 3 and a half hours later 🙄

grumpygrape · 13/06/2024 19:15

Why the texting when a 2 minute conversation could have explored all the whys, and wherefores, and possibilities ?

But then I am a very old person who thinks talking to people is more productive than texting.

OhmygodDont · 13/06/2024 19:11

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 13/06/2024 19:02

I can almost guarantee that had OP posted
"My DH has just got a new job. He text me to say he'd be late as he was meeting a client in a bar and did I want anything. I said "wine please". He text again a bit later to say he was still out and did I need anything else so I asked him to bring a take away as it would be late when he got in and I hadn't cooked yet. An hour and a half later he text to say he was finally on his way home. With deli pizza I'd need to cook/reheat. I was fuming. WIBU?"

Then those posters saying he was being a manchild, couldn't he have cooked, he's trying to sabotage her work etc would be telling OP she was perfectly reasonable to be angry, that DH should have said he was delayed, would probably say he was having an affair, tell him he can't make working late a habit etc

I know right. Dh’s auto reaction when his late late is to stop off at sainsburys and grab a bottle and then get a chippy dinner or ask me to order whatever for us off Justeat because his made me wait for dinner basically.

diddl · 13/06/2024 19:07

Obviously the answer you’d like is he’s a useless man expecting his wife to make tea

There's no answer that I'd "like".

In the event it would have been easier all round.

Well it did seem to get left to Op so...