Can he treat me like this?

Because he can. Because he wants to. Because he's an entitled dickhead.

Don't put up with it. You deserve better.

you should seek counselling of some kind first of all

When you're considering getting treatment for someone else's depression it's time to move on.

Let him go Youcantfly. he has wounds you can't heal, only he can.

Going against the grain here OP. I can empathise with your DP.

I had very extreme depression between the ages of 21-24. I would go through phases of being extremely horrible and uncaring towards others, including my wonderful boyfriend. He did everything that you say you're doing for your DP.

He moved in with me, took care of my basic needs, did my laundry and cooked for me. Literally everything. I'd go through times of being utterly lovely and obsessed with him, to being cold and silent towards him. It was a really horrible time.

I managed to go through lots of rounds of CBT, talking therapies, and medication, and finally came out of it. After many (and I mean many) discussions with my boyfriend, we agreed to drop the past and move forward together. I obviously apologised for everything I'd done, and he forgave me because he knew I wasn't completely sane at the time.

Fast forward 5 years now, I am off all of my medication, haven't been depressed for 5 years, and our relationship is so strong and thriving. We are now married with a baby on the way. I know I was so horrible to him, but the awful demons in my head wouldn't allow me to be otherwise. I am honestly so grateful he stuck with me and loved me through it all, even though it was so, so hard for him. I know he would do it all over again if he had to, and I would for him as well.

Sometimes you have to decide for yourself if the relationship you have is worth it. Is he someone you truly love? Is he actively seeking help and trying to get better?

There are a lot of questions you need to ask yourself but ultimately you are the only one who can make the right decision for yourself x

Do you realise you are putting him first and your child last? Is that ok with you? By giving him so much of your time, emotional and mental health, money you are taking this away from your own child - and for what? Ask yourself that op.

Please leave him. He is taking so much care and attention from you, it must be affecting your dc and your own MH.

I would get rid, you can't f8x him and he is mentally damaging to you. Walk away.

You are being unreasonable to yourself for staying in this situation. What are you actually getting from this relationship, apart from a bucketload of abuse?
If he genuinely has depression you can't fix him, he needs professional help.
Walk away, for your own wellbeing

That he refuses to seek professional help is a huge red flag. I've battled anxiety and depression for decades, and there are very effective treatments these days with fewer, milder side effects.

At any rate, mental illness is not a "treat people around me like shit with no consequences" excuse. It's past time to set some clear boundaries and be ready to leave him if he won't abide by them.

Have you thought that this is the "real him" and the "first year him" was him being on his best behaviour ?

You've missed work to look after this man ?

Dump him! Send a text to tell him it's over then block him. Don't answer the door unless you know it's not him. He'll get the message. If he somehow gets to be able to threaten suicide that is not your problem, and he won't anyway. It's manipulation. It happened to me. You are entitled to be happy and you owe him nothing.

I second this. How? Because you let him. I wonder how much of his behaviour is down to depression and how much is because this is who he is

Regardless, you deserve better

If he hasn't sought any professional help then presumably he hasn't actually had a diagnosis. How do you know he has depression? Maybe he's just a manipulative arse.

I voted YABU

The reason is that you can't control his behavior and after a long time of treating you as lesser than himself, you can't expect better from him. He would have shown you better if he wanted to. He has not.

The only thing you control here is whether to put up with it. You can stop pandering to him or leave him (which is probably more effective). But above all, you need to treat yourself better and stop allowing such behavior in your life.

OP my mother had depression. My bother and I spent our child hood was spent walking on egg shells.

From my own personal experience of my mum and another family member - when they are like this they completely centre themselves. Depression is a very selfish illness.

Having depression doesn’t mean you can get away with bring an arse hole - and tbh he sounds like a proper one.

Depression fall out is a very good book on what happens to partners and family when someone has it.

But in your position OP is leave/end it. You’re not his skivvy or his mug to treat like shit. This is not working for you any more

Oh @Youcantfly I was that soldier. Married with two children and fifteen years later realised I couldn't fix, nor enable him any longer.

You can't help people who don't engage with help themselves. I have seen so many wonderful people battle with depression. If someone engages then yea they can have healthy relationships, if they don't they can't.

You can't control everything around them to keep them ok. You will self destruct. In the end I issued a final ultimatum - get help or I am gone.

I am gone ten years and I have a life back, my children are happier and i have a wonderful partner. There is a better way of living.

Meanwhile my ex is still ranting about my betrayal and breaking my word. As I tell him I never agreed to be his emotional boxing bag.

the worry of ‘am I doing enough for him?’

Christ - don't give this worry any more headspace. He's doing worse than nothing for you. He's using up your energy, time, annual leave, and even making you feel like shit for it! All of that effort should be spent on yourself and your son not this ungrateful shithead who thinks team just means you running around after him and giving you nothing but grief. You need to get help for yourself to work out why you've allowed yourself to be treated so badly and why you take all the blame for it. But as a first action, absolutely cut him off, and enjoy your freedom and getting your self-esteem back!

I was about to ask. What is he doing to help himself. But I see he won’t.
Get rid. I agree, he’s treating you badly because he wants to. Depression doesn't cause you to be actively horrible to others.

Finish things with him op. Two years isn't a lifetime of memories it's still early days as far as relationships go. He isn't bringing anything positive or valuable to your life in fact he's draining your energy reserves. You have children to focus on. Dump him.

I’ve taken days off work to be there for him when he’s been unwell. However I am a single parent so it’s tough going being there for everyone.

This is absurd, most sensible parents reserve sick days for themselves and their kids. If you’re taking sick days off for him too that is massively irresponsible and also disrespectful to your workplace. When you call in sick for him do you tell them it’s not for you and it’s actually for your boyfriend that doesn’t even live with you?

And btw, you’re not supposed to be there “for everyone”, you are meant to be there for your children.

I mean this in the best way possible but stop being a doormat and focus on your children. They are the only victims in this.

Depressed my arse

he’s a bully and a control freak

I know this idea seems rare but put your children first, try putting your energy into them instead

Why are you wasting your life on this he's not only depressing but he's horrible to you. LTB!! Save your children from misery man! Live your life and be free and happy!