Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

I don’t know where you live in the south east but there is a state primary in bourne end (Buckinghamshire) which has a good reputation locally.
”A state special school for boys and girls aged from 4 to 11. Type of SEN provision: ASD - Autistic Spectrum Disorder; SLCN - Speech, Language and Communication”
www.westfieldschoolbucks.org

You can still engage with Occ health without revealing the actual issues to your employer, you just need to be honest with Occ health, they won't release information you don't want them to. The employer only needs to know if there are any adjustments needed or whether you're fit to work etc. If you've got a good employer it helps to let them know what's happening but if you don't you can keep it to yourself while still following their processes.

The gp will put something else if she asks …..mine put anxiety …and OP has said several times since she started this thread that she is now not going to lie

The OP doesn't want a sick note for stress though. She wants suggestions for an alternative sickness.

I agree, there are times when we need a break to prevent a breakdown, and it sounds like you have reached this point. The only advice I could give you is to use this time to be make decisions/take actions in order to make the problems you have manageable in addition to your work, ie don’t just continue as you are with the exception of not going to work, otherwise you’ll end up in the same situation when your leave ends.

Because she doesn't want to have them know she's off for stress.

@FunZebra I agree, there’s no benefit but parents need to work (this will probably be me next year as the council are pushing mainstream). And also, if the child is struggling then they need to be in an alternative setting. Which is why parents push for this at the start but end up getting dismissed.

Why would OP take parental leave that is unpaid when she is suffering stress and can be signed off and paid in full?

The current medical advice for back problems is to take anti-inflammatories and keep doing your usual activities. People used to be told to rest for a bad back but this has been thoroughly de-bunked now. Even if you do find a GP willing to sign you off with a bad back it's likely you would be referred to Occupational Health who would most likely say you were fit to return to work.

Are you implying that thyroid problems are not a real issue? If so I suggest you read up about hyperthyroidism and hypothyroidism because I can assure you they are very real and very unpleasant for those who suffer from them

4 weeks per year, in week long blocks at a time to be agreed with the employer and unpaid.

@Marshallscrossing

It doesn't have to be work related stress in order for you to be signed off work with stress...if you see what I mean.

All the reasons you've listed are perfectly valid & all together, it's no wonder you're struggling right now.

And although work itself isn't one of the things specifically adding to your stress, it indirectly IS because you're trying SO hard to hold THAT together whilst crashing & burning elsewhere. And at some point soon, it likely WILL be on that list.

Only YOU know what you need right now. Your situation & personal mental health are unique to you & of course you know that life is always going to be stressful with a SEN child but right now, you're at your limit & easing the pressure in 1 area might allow you the breathing space to better deal with the rest.

I'd be completely honest with your employers & what will be, will be. It's better to do that than, like you say, start underperforming & potentially bugger it all up for yourself.

Also be open & honest with friends & family & take every single bit of help & support you can. It's just a particularly crappy part of the road right now - it won't be your whole journey.

All the best. X

This is what parental leave is for.

I hope you're able to sort things out for your children.

Also one other thing I wanted to mention. I think I read on an old thread somewhere that if a school asks you to collect your child early or insists on a part-time timetable, they can only do this if they are formally excluding your DS.

not sure what benefit there is to the deregulated/upset child in being forced to stay in school……

Agree with other posters, take the time off now and use that time to figure out a long term plan so that you as a family are able to cope going forward. You are right in that you need to get yourself well in order to advocate for your child, so you need to use the time to figure out a plan on how to manage this going forward.

This, perhaps take some time off to get the breathing space needed to look at reducing your outgoings enough to go PT. A high mortgage doesn't sound sustainable long term

I’ve had a lot of good advice from the EHCP support thread on the SEN board if you need any help with mediation/tribunal. Lots of knowledgeable posters who are going through the same thing.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_educational_needs/5077140-ehcp-support-thread-no-3?page=12

I hope you find a work related solution soon and really hope the tribunal goes in your favour. I’ve heard that over 90% of parents win their appeals, so hopefully that will be the case for you too.

Also one other thing I wanted to mention. I think I read on an old thread somewhere that if a school asks you to collect your child early or insists on a part-time timetable, they can only do this if they are formally excluding your DS. You may find this thread useful - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/special_needs/4904153-part-time-timetable-in-reception-class.

I think quite a lot of well meaning people on here are becoming punching bags for the OP right now and that in itself tells me that you aren't fully functional @Marshallscrossing - you're biting like a cornered dog. Take the time off.

Clearly you’d rather I lost my job and got in the benefits queue right

Where did you get that from? No, I would honestly rather you could get help for your son that removed your stress, that your parent got well and that you could go on holiday to get away from it all. Really.

But that's unlikely to happen unfortunately, so we are left with the situation as it is. You are getting more and more aggressive to people who say anything other than what you want to hear, and it's not helping.

If you are not going to lie, but are planning to ask for stress-related sick leave, you will need to plan for when it is over. A change in hours, less responsibility, a discussion with a manager - I suggested all this things art the start of the thread, and was accused of kicking you then, too.

The sarcasm in my last post was addressed to the poster who said I was 'stupid' for covering for a colleague to the point that I had to leave work while she continued to fund her pension and get the salary she wasn't earning. Maybe I was, but pointing out that this happens is not kicking you.

Take the time off now then OP, as an adult you can make that call. If you're not fit to work right now go and see your GP. But don't lie about your reasons because being extremely stressed to the point of not being able to function is nothing to be ashamed of.

Just make the call now and do it.

CS sick pay is full pay for 5 months.

While I don't think signing off with stress is anything to be ashamed of, I don't think in this particular instance it would help in the long term. The stress isn't being caused by work, but by personal circumstances. Which are no less important for that, but taking time off work is unlikely to address the underlying issues and you will end up in a similar place again. And if you are worried it will mark your card, then it sounds like you want to avoid it in the first place.

There is not much you can do about the EHCP tribunal except wait, but there may be other steps you can take.

Could you ask for compressed hours (e.g. three long days) or do part time hours over 5 days? Would that enable you to balance things more easily?

Does your work know what's going on, and is there any way they could get you more support in your role? Would they provide any counselling?

How long is your parent likely to need trips to the hospital for, and do you have any siblings or other relatives that could help? Could they feasibly take a taxi, or make use of a local community service?

How old is the older child who is acting up? If they're old enough, is it worth a good talk with them, or could they go and stay overnight occasionally with a relative or a good friend?

What chores around the house can you streamline / drop / get the older one to help with?

Ultimately you need to put your hand up to your friends, family, and work, and tell them that right now you need some more support.

I'm a CS manager and I think you should take sick leave on the grounds of stress - because you are suffering from stress.

I think you should be honest about it, it doesn't mean you'll be managed out. It could delay promotion for a while, but once you're back in unbroken attendance, it shouldn't impact your prospects for too long.

Take care of yourself, sorry you have so much on your plate.

I'm really sorry you find yourself in this position OP, and think that telling the truth to your employer is the best way ahead.

However, although I've never had to deal with a child who has special needs, it does sound from what I've read of other people's situations on MN, that you might have to prepare in some way to take a career break of some sort over the next few years, as it sounds like at present you're simply having to juggle too many balls, and as you say, at this point the only thing that you can possibly cut back on is your job, but only by going off sick. Obviously this isn't going to be viable long term, as if you take time off with stress now, and then have to go off with it again at a later date, I can see this leading to what you most fear, ie, being managed out of your current job, as the way your employer will have to look at it in the long term, is that you simply can't cope with your job, as well as your other responsibilities.

As a matter of interest, is your DH doing his part in helping to organise everything, or is this another case of the woman has to do everything to do with the kids, PLUS try and juggle a full time job, and look after aging parents? Is there any chance he could look for a better paid job, or work extra hours, so that you can cut back on your working hours for a few years?

I really hope you can find the answer, as I know that there are a lot of people out there right now, finding themselves struggling as they never have before, and a lot of this has been brought about by the government, and the cost of living crisis that they've inflicted upon us. So many people were coping in the past, with mortgages that seemed manageable when they took them on, but now they're struggling, and are being forced to work longer hours, or take second jobs just to make ends meet. In your case, it's obviously not possible for you to do this, so perhaps your DH should be the one responsible for picking up some of the load?