Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

Wow, you sound empathetic! Maybe having a few weeks off will give her the room to come up with a long term plan? ATM, she’s in survival mode. Anyway, I’m sure you know best :/

OP, forgot to mention - one of my reports was going through a horrendous time at home. They were barely holding it together - writing emails at 3am, looking really disheveled on Zoom, sometimes slurring words from lack of sleep. They were delivering by the way but at such high personal cost that I was concerned for their well being. They refused to take sick leave because of perceived stigma. Perceived is key here as the whole management team were concerned for his well being. At some point I put my foot down and forced them to take sick leave as I owed them duty of care. They were/are a key employee- not anyone mentioned managing them out. Right now all we care about is their well being. It’s tough to redistribute their responsibilities and no one can do that particular set of tasks to the same standard. But guess what? We’ll manage. And all we want is for them to get the space to felt better and come back. Managing out is not even on the radar.

on the other hand, we had an employee who always took sick leave. For every cough, stomach upset, etc. for every two weeks they were in, they were out for 10 days. guess what, they were a hiring mistake in the first place and shit at their job. Ongoing suck leave was just the last straw. We managed them out pronto.

so it all depends.

What a strange competition some people think you have entered.

Ask the Gp to put something else on the note. Mine put post viral fatigue or similar instead of stress

Sorry, but what stopped you from taking sick leave for your multiple miscarriages and depression? Just be side you chose not to, doesn’t mean others need to martyr themselves even more than they are already. And working g in private sector is not being a mug - plenty of private sector employers offer benefits similar to CS, including 6 months sick pay. Plenty.

And when life events all add up to a point when individual’s functioning is impaired, it is being sick and what sick leave is intended exactly for that. To take leave to deal with functional impairment whatever that may be.

@Marshallscrossing much love to you, op.

You have worked for them for 18 years, you have full sick pay - for gods sake take it, and if you don’t trust them not to manage you out, absolutely lie, without a seconds thought.

in terms of a long term plan, I personally think it sounds like bollocks that you just default have to quit your job to be a carer and basically go into poverty - no way would I do that, that would be terrible for your family!

When you have headspace, you and your husband need to seriously think about the future, here - you both need jobs to keep the money coming in and you need specialist schooling for your child. I think you need to think laterally - your husband about what other less hours jobs he can do and where, you the same. Could either of you start your own business to have flexible hours? Would you consider living outside of the UK after your parent passes? Provision is a lot better elsewhere - have a think about it? There are lots of options.

also, do check out the Nemechek protocol for autism - my DS is high functioning but we have had massive improvements giving the supplements daily, and it can’t do any harm anyway. Good luck love!

So you want to hide or misdescribe the issue, do no work but still be paid the same? Is that a good example for a manager to set? Would you consider following the disciplinary route if someone you managed did what you propose? Think about it - our taxes pay your wages.

Quite. No point op burning out and needing benefits for a long stretch instead.
Op, you don't need to have anything physically wrong to need sick leave. Mental health is just as important. And if not taken care of will impact physical health.

Chat to your GP, come up with a plan with them. Time out to rest and regroup. But then you do owe it to yourself and your employer how to find a sustainable balance in the longer run. Whether it's going part time and extending your mortgage term or buying in more help

My doctor offered back pain or similar - they were always really understanding and think it’s common to put a different reason. Good luck OP

Im really sorry with what you’re going through. However you’re not sick and I wouldn’t appreciate my tax dollars funding your “sick” pay.

my dd had a global developmental delay so I left my job and career. I had to have four years out of the workforce until she had progressed enough that I could look for a new part time flexible job.

I’m sorry by my response, maybe I just feel like a mug for working in the private sector and having to leave; tbh I’m both jealous and astounded at people being able to take paid time off work for life events that I have struggled through and I only took the odd day off (bereavements, multiple miscarriages, depression).

Exhaustion is a euphemism for rehab so I would not say that.

It's ok to be off sick with stress & is one of the biggest factors these days. You should not be penalised for this at all at work.

Refer yourself to your Occupational Health team if you have one so that they can look at short term ways to help you like shorter working days or less days at work when you feel ready to have a graduated return to work.

So sorry to hear this, I went off ‘sick’ for a week last year. I’ve just dug out my sick note to help you, the reasons on my sick note were “stress” and “low mood”.

If I were you, I’d speak to the doctor - explain how you are feeling and ask them to just put “low mood” on your sick note. Hope this helps!!

I can understand where some posters are coming from with regards to being on sick not being the solution. OP I work in management and feel I have good relationships with my reports and if someone shared with me what you are going through I’d be suggesting to take get signed off for a couple of weeks to hopefully improve wellbeing somewhat and looking at how we can support - so maybe a temporary reduction in duties/workload for 6 weeks in the hope that you can create a plan as to how you’ll manage home/work stress In a manageable way for you
In a situation where it doesn’t seem like the home stressors are going to be getting better, We’d be looking to plan how you’ll manage going forward. CBT can be great for supporting people to manage long term stressors. Your stress bucket is maxed out and over flowing right now and if there’s nothing that can be done to stop
the stress from going in your bucket,
CBT will help you create holes in your bucket to manage the impact of stress to allow you to function well and stay on top of your wellbeing, using a variety of cbt tools and techniques.
people end up managed out not because of a one off sick note with stress, but a repetitive cycle where eventually, employers hands are tied as they have an employee not able to do their role anymore, who have used all their sick leave and say they can’t afford
to not be I work, are unable to perform adequately And have not taken steps to manage the situation. That last bit sounds harsh but employees do have to do that part and when signed off sick for stress, need to be proactive about doing that. So I try my best to support staff from Get go to avoid anyone losing their jobs and we do so really successfully when they’re honest about their difficulties and we work together

Sick leave isnt just to cover work issues that affect you, so if a doc agrees you cant function at work with so many complex challenges at home they will sign you off.

Ref what to put on the sick note, talk to the doc about your worries. They can come up with some wording that doesnt include stress or depression, but they do need to be honest. Couldn't you say you had a virus and now have zero energy for anything, youre constantly exhausted etc (ie it's chronic fatigue?)

I do think what you've said is worrying about management having an issue with people who have mental illhealth due to excessive stress though. That is discriminatory and ridiculous, we all suffer mental ill health at some time in our life.

Good luck with everything.

Sounds really stressful. Good luck op, and I hope your sick parent is doing as well as they can do.

i work in civil service and got signed off for stress when my son had major heart surgery. It definitely has not been negative for me - my managers have been very understanding, liaising with HR for me. I said to them how long i was signed off for and they didn’t contact me until i was due back

Why don't you reduce your hours? Either that or be honest. It's not the role of an employer to pay 6 months full- pay while you are signed off with a fake illness.

OP, please take sick leave. You’re having a tough time and I’m sure talking to your GP will help. Stress is real and makes you ill. Ignore the mean comments and I wish you all the best❤️. You have to take care of yourself to be fit enough to fight the battle you are facing for your child.

Hi op sorry about some of the shitty reply’s. Having a child who is ill or SEN is really stressful. I was of the understanding that the civil service are very flexible. Not the same at all but when my dd was very sick with an ED instead of going off sick I offered to work in am pick her up for lunch and work extra hours in eve to make time up. Could your work allow you to do flexi hours around your son’s appointments ect? And if he has to go to mainstream part time maybe they could come to some arrangement that allows you flexi hours, go whilst he’s in school and work in evenings for example. This way you aren’t taking any sick and you can work around your son and your husband can help out when home whilst you work. I’m not sure if this is something compatible with your work. It was a big help for me and reduced my stress of worrying about losing my job and or having to give up work to take care of her. I hope you get the right school for your child. I can only imagine the stress of all this. If you need some time off take it, you are only human. You haven’t taken time off by the sounds of it and aren’t a piss taker. I for one would not begrudge a colleague with genuine reasons taking some time out.

Also OP don’t forget about the employee assistance programme, they might be able to help. Speak to your LM and see if you can get some of your role reduced as, like I said in my other comment you might need sick pay later I’d like my friend they don’t agree with specialist provision and he needs to attend mainstream and you’ll be on an amended timetable for sometime. That’s the only reason my friend got through it as she went off sick. She’s a single parents with no family within 100 miles so incredibly tough for her. I attended the mediation with her and they were pretty brutal.

@Marshallscrossing
In my personal experience, I too work in the CS and have previously been signed off for different things and each time they have been really supportive.

From what you have said, it is a form of stress. You are spinning a lot of plates.

Take time off being signed off and during that time do whatever you need to make things better for you but there will come a point when they will encourage you back but there are options to help, phased returns etc.

Hope things get better soon xx