Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

Wishing you well, OP. If you need somewhere that's empathetic and non-judgemental then there is always Samaritans. Sometimes these boards can be very harsh and there is always this competitive element where someone thinks that how they reacted to an event is how everyone should. Far from being aggressive here, I think the OP has been very restrained.

I can't really offer advice but I am so sorry for the huge lack of empathy that you have experienced on this thread.

I would suggest that you do discuss antidepressants with your GP. Look into the different types at least. I imagine that you've become used to a level of depression/low mood and stress that would tip some people over the edge. Antidepressants might just give you enough clarity and energy to tackle the next hurdle.

Look after yourself x

I’m quite concerned about how you feel about the cs after being in it for 18 years - is this real or your perception from how you feel?
You should have a carers passport and a disability passport. You need also to make use of the counselling. Also are you in the tu? It might be the right time to consider signing up. Anti depressants will take 6 weeks to take effect and still give mood swings so are not magic.
Honestly I think you need a break, possibly some respite care for your child and some support with the ehcp tribunal. I know there are various groups on fb that may be able to help you. I’ll be honest and say my old departments getting you back to work policy kicked in after day 14.
I do think your first port of call is your line manager and forget all this putting pressure on others business - that’s for your manager to manage. It’s literally their job!

An anti-depressant won't be able to solve your problems but it might help you to cope with them and to "just keep swimming".

I have a child that is largely non verbal who went to a pre-school attached to a primary school and then special school, after being referred for assessment by the pre-school . I would try not to panic if your child has to start at mainstream school in September because your appeal or mediation is ongoing. I'm sure their reception year will involve lots of free play and the school will probably add their voice to the calls for special education being the right provision.

Your employer offering school hours sounds good - even better if you have flexitime as you might be able to bank some hours on Tuesdays when your husband is off and take flexi time for appointments/parent stay and plays etc.

Are you having to do hands on care of your ill parent frequently or is it more the emotional strain? Might they be entitled to any help with carers (they could ask for an assessment under the care act) or can they afford to pay for some help? You mention taking your parent to hospital in your OP if they are going regularly for outpatient treatment is there community transport/ hospital transport or even a taxi they can use and you (or any siblings etc) only try to accompany them for test results etc) You can't do it all no matter how much you might want to.

Having a non verbal autistic child is relentless, the fact you've worked all this time is incredible and no wonder you are exhausted. I don't know much about sick notes etc but we were awarded the specialist place at the mediation stage before tribunal this year. My son is a year older than yours and he has been doing part time hours in mainstream (always plan for him to start specialist setting at 5 which is youngest they take) so it absolutely is possible! The mental drain is immense and I'm sorry about your parent.

I was for the very similar two year ago.
Do it, it did honestly help me.

They did put stress on my sick note and work were meant to be in touch (call) every week to see how I was. Luckily I get on well with my boss so after two weeks he would just drop an email.
No pressure on returning just asking how i was, anything they could put in place etc.

Your health comes before work.

i have a family member who has been off work with stress related issues (but not stress related illness) on and off since 2020 on full pay . Works for the NHS so I’m thinking not dissimilar to your situation . From what I can see from their situation is that it really helps to know how to take the sickness breaks to have the least impact on their attendance record. In this particular case , the sickness attendance was so marked they faced a disciplinary hearing and lost their job . They appealed and was reinstated. They are currently off again due to stress on full pay . You’ll be fine .

Hi op,

I do feel your pain. I have an autistic 4 year old due to start school in September. He does not have a EHCP yet as he scores too high so I very much feel that I am setting him up to fail as he will not have the support he needs.

Ironically I am a social worker on the learning disability team for the local authority I live in. It is a local authority in the south east. I moved to this team in part as I knew it would be helpful to deal professionally with those who I will need on side to get my son what he needs.

Things are not great in the sen world atm and our funds are limited. I have not gone off sick as I am waiting to see if I will need to over September when my son needs me. There is no shame in it, I've not done it before but I haven't begrudged colleagues who have. These people making snide remarks don't know you and certainly won't pay your bills. Do what is best for you and your kids.

My only concern for you is that the six months sick leave is a rolling year and if you take three months off, if anything happens in the next twelve months you could end up on half pay in just three months.

I hear you i get it I’m a fellow send mum juggling work and we’ve been in the tribunal queue for 7months so far with a date in Nov with no sign of any educational provision until Jan/Feb 2025 at the rate our LA go. No parent outside this send system would understand the shit show our education system has become. I’m the only working parent amongst my peer group left, one by one they have all had no choice to stop working to support their kids or they would break. I had a month off last year as the stress is horrendous. I’m too in the care sandwich with elderly parents. Please take some sick leave it’s what it’s there for, parenting a child with send is very much a marathon not a sprint and your definitely going to need to recharge. Be honest with work and try to get a reduced work load somehow or you will break. I hope you get the school place your child needs but I’m afraid the backlogs in the sendaist tribunal system is horrendous right now with or without an expedited hearing.

OP this is a lot, too much - there is no wonder you are struggling.

Gently, there is nothing, absolutely nothing - your reputation at work, awkward short term conversations etc, more important than you and your health. I have lost two wonderful, senior, high performing, popular friends and colleagues this year. They were mourned by those at work, tears were shed - they were hugely loved. But a year on, their memory at work has completely faded. We are all entirely dispensable at work. The pain long-term is held by their family. It is simply not important what people think, or even if you’re sidelined down the line (they’ll have to pay you off either way which will help with the mortgage). Get signed off, regroup with your family, feel better and then make a longer-term plan. Negotiate that and look forward to a more settled future

Very gently OP, try not to lash out at people who are trying to help you. @norfolkbroadd has real depth of knowledge and our SEN community absolutely relies on the wonderful people like her who help us by providing voluntary support.

If you have been guaranteed a tribunal date before September, then I'm really pleased for you. But I think what @norfolkbroadd was trying to say was that things that are promised don't always happen. And even things which you are entitled to legally don't always happen. It's absolute shit and unacceptable but no one really cares.

I've got two autistic DC who are now 14 years old. DS has high needs and is still in nappies. At age 4 he was still in nappies (same as now) and wasn't verbal (but he is now verbal).

My DS's EHCP said he should receive certain things - and we didn't get them. We were entitled to them legally. When I called a meeting with the school/LA and asked where the provision was, they just shrugged and said "shortages". Didn't give a shit that DS' legal rights were being breached. Obviously we fought, but I'm just saying. You think you've seen the worst of it, and then it just gets even harder.

I know that's not what you want to hear and you probably think that isn't helpful. But what I'm trying to say - and also what @norfolkbroadd was trying to say - is that absolutely take the time that you need right now, but be prepared that you might need lots more time off in the future, for various reasons. I know that you need to work financially and that you enjoy your job, but it's worth just thinking about any other options you might have, just in case.

I went self-employed when my DC were babies as I couldn't support their needs and work. I just couldn't do it. And when my DC started school there were many, many instances where I had to go into school or where he couldn't cope with full days. It might be smoother for you, I hope it is. But just worth having a think about what the options might be if things are a bit bumpy.

I hope all this reads as intended. No criticism at all of what you're planning. Also, for everyone being so dismissive of stress - this isn't actually just stress, it's poor mental health. We bandy the word "stress" around but in this case, the very heavy load you're carrying OP is damaging your mental health and you're not able to continue. Don't listen to people who try and imply that you're weak for admitting you can't carry on right now. You're in this for the long haul and you'll need your resilience in the years to come. If you break now, what happens then? Taking care of your mental health is vital.

There's no shame in admitting that you're struggling with your mental health. People who haven't stood in your shoes have no idea what it's like. Plus we all have our own breaking points. There's no medal for carrying on when you feel like you can't. If you have a sympathetic GP they might write you a vague sick note but as PP have said, it would honestly be better to come clean with your line manager. By making it clear that it's the stress outside work that's causing you to break down and not anything to do with your work, you might find you don't end up being secretly blacklisted as you fear.

As an autistic woman with autistic DC who has fought the same fight, I'm really hoping that things work out for you OP and I admire your honesty on this whole post. Genuinely, all the very best.

Just ask the doc to put something vague on the sick note. I think I had one that said insomnia

If you can self-refer to Occupational Health then you should be able to discuss your situation in confidence. (This is quite different from your manager referring you - when you self-refer, no report should go to your manager; if your manager refers you they will be specific about what they want OH to consider and report back on. If you manage people then you probably already know all this.)
Does the CS offer access to external, confidential employee counselling?

I suppose I feel like a failure so hadn’t wanted to share with friends how much I’m struggling.

My career is something I’ve always been very proud of and enjoy that I’m well respected. To say I can’t cope feels like an admission of something I don’t really want to face.

I totally get this. This is EXACTLY how I feel too. And the concern about being blacklisted once you mention it.

Do you have a decent boss op? Mine is an arse so it makes it a million times worse as he would see asking for help / absence for burnout as a weakness…

Hope you have a supportive Gp.

in my workplace there is an employee package which offers 6 free counselling sessions. Hope the CS has something similar. For me when I was absent, it triggered an occupational health referral. Which was useful as they actually stopped me from returning sooner and insisted on all medical tests being done and support in place.

a phased return is also helpful, as full Pay but reduced hours etc to facilitate a successful return.

Op i have been struggling with life/work/stress too. Mine is definitely more work-related than anything but being the main breadwinner comes with a lot of pressure to keep going.

I am not up to speed with uk sickness processes as I live abroad now. However, I would plan on doing the self-cert week to buy yourself a bit of space and time.

Then, again I’m not sure on the rules there but do you even need to give a reason to work as to the root cause of your stress when you get signed off? I mean, your medical stuff is private right? So if you are not fit to work for x period then what does it matter why.

In any case it sounds like you’re really having a tough time from lots of different angles and I can see that as we get older things become more delicately balanced mental health wise.

You are not a failure. You will come out the other side but please now do what you need to do to prioritize your health.

The problem is, this is an anonymous thread. It's so easy to see things in black and white and respond accordingly. I'm sure many people on here m, including myself, would have given very different advice to a good friend, over a cup of tea or glass of wine. If you have a close friend that you can talk this through with, then I would urge you to do so, you will feel an awful lot better than opening yourself up to a bashing on here. All the better if you DP can step up for an evening so that you can take some time out and have a proper catch up with someone's who's company you enjoy and who's advice you value.

Lastly you are as entitled to a good career as the next person. The crazy insistence you give up a job you love because you have a disabled child seems discriminatory. You’ve clearly been an excellent employee to date with very little time off. Sick leave is there for situations like this, where stress levels are on a knife edge and you’re sinking fast.

Don't be upset, don't take it personally. You came here for the full breadth of opinion did you not?

some awful people on this thread have no idea what it’s like to have a child with complex needs. It’s bloody hard! I hope you get the right school placement for your child and the wider family. Might be worth taking time off sick, then attempting to manage stress levels with sertraline, talking therapies, regular exercise, as much bought in help as you can afford.