Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

So sad that so many people are still dismissing stress/burnout/mental health issues like this...

To put this in context I had so much stress in my life last year that in the end my body and mind completely collapsed. I had a complete breakdown and could not function anymore to the point where I made plans to end my life. This is where multiple trauma and sources of stress can lead you...

I had to go under the care of the mental health crisis team for two weeks before medication and support got me off that black hole. During that time I could barely eat (it took me 3 hours to eat two pieces of toast and drink a tea..and that was all I could tolerate). I could not concentrate or read more than 5 minutes...

I was off work for a month and a half and I think it was not enough.

My employer proved very unsympathetic and adds to the stress on a daily basis so I am now looking for a new job.

My point is don't get to that place where you can't function anymore.

Take time off and then make some long term plans. That might mean asking your workplace if you can reduce your work to 3 days and/or get a job share or work from home.

My GP put down depression and anxiety in my fit notes but left out the bits about the suicidal plans.

I have no doubt that there is a lot of stigma around mental health so I understand that you might be reluctant for your employer to know. I can see that I have been treated differently since I came back from sick leave and they have been trying to push me out (and this is a charity that looks after vulnerable people...).

Maybe your GP can write down that you are dealing with extreme stress, tiredness and anxiety caused by family difficulties.

Frankly there will always be another job, but you only have one body and one mind and you need to take care of them.

''@Livelovebehappy

It’s true. You don’t think a lot of people are stressed to the hilt? But they just get on with it. Stress isn’t something new. It’s always been out there, but some now think it warrants getting signed off sick.''

This is nonsense.

Sustained/constant stress can be a killer and causes all sorts of physical and mental issues: high blood pressure, heart attacks & strokes, depression, problems sleeping, skin conditions...

This dinosaur thinking really needs to end.

Do you honestly think your comments are helpful for an OP who sounds absolutely at the end of her tether?

OP I'm sorry you're experiencing so much stress in your life atm. I'm a manager and I would be very sympathetic if an employee disclosed issues with stress, irrespective if it was work stress or home stress. Now, obviously I can't speak for all managers, but I think there's a much greater appreciation of stress and mental health issues than there would have been in the past. Please go to your GP and ask for a cert. If you don't, you run the risk of a total breakdown or panic attack and then you'll be no good to anyone - at home or at work.

You need to step back a bit and you've obviously assessed all your sources of stress (child with SN and an impending tribunal, older child acting up, ill parent, work etc.) and figured that the only ball you can drop is work. Take a month out (or two or three) and focus on your home life for a bit. I would be reluctant to use up all six months in one go, because then you've nothing to fall back on, if you find that you're struggling again in the years to come. Also, you might find it harder to go back after a very long absence.

Those who are managed out tend to be those who have a long history of absenteeism and/or under performance. If you've had a good record of attendance up to now and you're a hard working, conscientious employee, then I would be very surprised if your workplace punishes you for one, albeit prolonged, period of sick leave.

I would recommend seeing a counsellor or therapist also. You're carrying a very heavy mental load and it would be good to offload that to someone else.

This. Adjust your work rather than take time off. Change hours, role, place of work, position etc etc. You parents will sadly still be needing support in 6 months time as will your dc.

I am fully sympathetic of those dealing with challenges we've had more than our fair share thrown our way but sadly that is life, every single person is juggling many a demand and as others have said you have to look at what you can change. So in this situation the demands of a responsible job seem to be the only thing thst can give. Step down to a lesser role, negotiate wfh, use AL etc.

Are you on meds for anxiety, did you find cbt helpful? (I assume you've accessed it although waits are long for f2f there is plenty of online support). Have you accessed any other health and wellbeing support?

It’s true. You don’t think a lot of people are stressed to the hilt? But they just get on with it. Stress isn’t something new. It’s always been out there, but some now think it warrants getting signed off sick.

Also, pp have been concentrating on the SEN as that is a huge stress and a long haul. But I would really urge you to see where you can step back around driving your parent. I would be horrified if either of my children were caused additional stress by meeting my needs or wants. I would imagine there will be a good local taxi firm in your area of Sussex that could do a lot of it. I honestly don't think you have time. Something is going to have to give.

Just take the sick leave with stress. People get managed out because they are never there not because of the reason. You could be a year off with a bad ankle and they would need someone in to take your role.

Anyway, take the sick leave for a couple of months and whilst off work out a long term plan to help you cope. Don’t be afraid to ask family for help.

Contact Occ Health as they will support you without any judgement & can also liaise with your line manager on hours/work you are fit to do.

Your boss might be an arse but they are still required to follow your sickness absence policy.

Today it is time to put yourself first & not worry about what anyone else thinks - please book your appointment with your doctor asap.

It's ok to have stress & completely ok to be on sick leave for however long you need it. Your emotional/mental health is equally important as your physical health.

If you broke your leg & needed 3 months off to recover no one would bat an eyelid.

Ohh op, I’m sorry you’re going through this.
I used to work in the civil service too so I can understand how you feel.
firstly can you look at your working patterns?
Is there a way to either WFH or move to compressed hours? This might give you a bit more time at home?
also, I would speak to your line manager and maybe get occupational health involved. The reason why, is that they will be able to agree reasonable adjustments to help and support you!. Maybe work 3 days in the office, two at home. Also please do reach out and speak to someone about your mental health. You have a lot on and your only human.
can you look at other roles? Don’t forget you can just transfer if it’s the same band.
I worked in management and the number of people who are struggling is crazy! It’s more than you think… please be kind to yourself x

For example even after tribunal I know one family whose EHCP still did not name a specialist setting but it was updated to say that the child should have 16 hours a week of 1:1 support. As you know the EHCP is a legal document blah blah blah so they should have the 16 hours. Child starts school and initially they have nobody in post to provide the 1:1 due to staff shortages, then eventually they do get someone and it transpires that the 1:1 is being used as a floating TA due to lack of funding and other needs etc. So the child was actually only really having the odd couple of hours of 1:1 despite the EHCP stating 16 hours.

This is just one example of the way that children are let down and regularly do not receive what they are legally entitled to.

Dear @Marshallscrossing - I would speak with your GP first and then to work. I had an incredibly supportive GP who helped me navigate a difficult situation and sick leave without prejudice to my career (and integrity)

As pp have said, unfortunately it doesn’t always matter if you’re legally entitled to something - it doesn’t mean you will necessarily get it. I take your point that you need to have strength to fight for your DS but if you use up a lot of sick leave now then come September if things still aren’t resolved then you’ll be struggling a lot.

In your shoes I’d ask to be signed off for maybe 4 weeks to give you a chance to gather yourself and get a bit of sleep if you can. Then I’d ask to do a phased return to work where you’re doing maybe 50% of your hours for a month or two. This is an option that the GP can request on the fit note and because you’d technically be at work it might not count towards your sick leave. Or if it did it should only count as half (if you had two months working 50% then that would equate to one month off). You definitely need to leave something in the bank for the next school year.

Even if you do get a tribunal date and an EHCP before the start of the school year (which I’m sorry to say does sound extremely unlikely at this point) then given where we are in the year, it’s possible that the EHCP will name a setting that isn’t actually suitable for your DS or there will be insufficient support provided or there may not even be sufficient appropriate placements. I’m not trying to be pessimistic but like some pp I do think you need to not have your bets hedged on all this being sorted in the next 12 weeks.

It might help to get your GP to put 'family related stress' so they don't think you are a risk of suing the CS for work-related? But yes - take the sick leave and worry about any possible consequences (I'm sure there won't be) later.

(FWIW My DS (ASD and ADHD) was not toilet trained when he started school, and although not non-verbal he was was very behind with language. We have had all sorts of issues over the years but I was always keen to keep him mainstream (despite some serious reservations) and am now sure it was definitely the best thing for him. He is 16 and although he has social and academic issues he's doing so well, and hates anything that makes him seem 'different'. At 4 he seemed so challenging in every aspect of everything (years of aggression, poo-smearing, physically dangerous behaviours etc etc....), I could never have imagined how amazing he is now. Of course you know your own child and I can't comment on that, but in some cases there really is scope for improvement that you maybe can't imagine right now. Maybe give mainstream a try at least.....?)

Good luck with it all - but please take the time you need. The CS is a big employer, at least you don't need to feel guilty about letting down a tiny family business. They can easily afford the leave and to provide cover. They have decent sickness policies for a reason! Hope everything else gets sorted and you can go back soon.

Rude.

😇🙄

Stress levels are through the roof for many atm, with the col crisis and so much pressure financially on the back o& it. Good job we don’t all take it off sick. Generally speaking, most of us have to trek to work regardless, or there would be no-one working.

Totally possible! I have recruited career changers.

In some areas though the pace of work is ferocious. I've worked in the private sector too, in fairly cut throat industries and the work , and pressures , were nothing compared to senior PS roles. When you are in the gaze of the media and at risk of being a political football at any moment (and ideally making big differences to people's lives) the pressures can feel enormous

Your situation is very difficult and I sympathise. You simply have too much to cope with but you arent really ill IMHO. But you could become ill if you dont get rest. Its a dilemna. I think if you had say a month of with stress it won't affect your position at work but six months might. . Up to you.

Ex civil servant here. Not the same situation as you at all, but 10 years ago I was working for an utter bitch. I’d been diagnosed with a hereditary cancer, and had lost five relatives to that cancer in the past year. I also didn’t want to be signed off with work related stress. My GP understood this, and signed me off with “stomach issues under investigation by hospital.” It wasn’t entirely a lie. I was throwing up with stress, and had been to the hospital for an unrelated stomach scan. It gave me some breathing space to decide what I was doing next. Can you have a short time off (I had a month) and then more if necessary?

All of this is making me want to look at Cs jobs... But as a 45year old career changer...

I think work place policy on this will vary. If you can, I would explain what is going on and see what they say. It might be that you could be off with general life stress, but not work stress. Otherwise see what carer's/family leave you can take? Your company may or may not have a good policy on this. I would be totally honest with your manager and see what they say. They may say you would need to take sick pay/no pay in which case you'd have to consider other options. I wouldn't lie though, it could get you in big trouble later on which would probably cause worse stress than you have now.

It absolutely won’t have been on full
pay - they’d need to return for a full year to reset their entitlement between each period with the NHS.

in OP’s case it’s a 4 year rolling cycle so would have to be back without absence for 4 years to replace what has been taken.

I've managed 2 people in the CS who have been off with stress, in both cases non work related. It hasn't harmed either of their careers, the CS is generally very understanding in my experience.

It’s a rolling 4 year period.

OP I do wish people would refrain from commenting on topics they clearly have no f*ing clue about! I’m so sorry you’re going through such a tough time.
I have two autistic children and I’ve spent years fighting for their right for suitable education, it’s the most stressful and draining thing I’ve ever been through. After years of fighting we now home educate because the system is so broken and lets down so many SEN kids.

Honestly do what you have to do to protect your own mental health because you won’t be able to fight when you’re at rock bottom, and your kids won’t be getting the best of their mummy when you’re so stressed.

What I have learnt is to try not to worry about the “what ifs” and just focus on what you need to do at this present time, thinking too far ahead can be overwhelming. You’re struggling, you need a break, ask the GP for a sick note so you can feel able to cope again. Even if it’s just a few weeks or a month to begin with, it can be extended if necessary. Some GP’s will ask what you want them to write on it, but I think lying could add to your stress. When you’re going back to work HR would probably want a back to work interview and then you’d have to lie, you don’t want to be looking over your shoulder worrying about being caught out. Lots of ppl in CS take time off with stress and continue a successful career.

Also don’t worry about how you will manage work and the kids long term, I manage to work almost full time hours whilst home schooling, work is really important to me, I’m just not ‘me’ without it. I think it’s important to not lose yourself, your kids are of course super important, but you’re important too.