Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

Spot on, this hilights the complete contrast in employers and support/lack of for employees. I hope you are OK at the moment

I am sorry that you are having a tough time and struggling with so many challenges. Whilst I can sympathise with that, what would you do if you weren't entitled to paid sick leave? How would you address the situation then? I ask this because so many people I know ( including family) have jobs that entitle them to SSP only when they have time off work( irrespective of the reason}. Your challenges will still be there after 6 months so as much as you say you need the money for mortgage etc, something surely has to give in the long term. I have worked in the public sector for several years; it has a very generous sick leave policy ( 6 months on full pay) which is extremely reassuring for employees. However, I am aware that there are individuals who misuse and abuse the system without any consideration for their colleagues/service. And they get away with this. The same applies for work related stress, I have experienced extreme stress as a result of work related challenges( and personal circumstances also) but have never utilised the sick system for this as several others haven't either.
I really hope that you feel better soon and access the support you need.

This is spot on

Get signed off, OP. You can't pour from an empty cup. If you don't, you'll get progressively worse.

This is incorrect. Keeping in touch arrangements during sickness absence are an important part of supporting an individual. Ultimately plans to return to work and reasonable adjustments that facilitate returns to work, need to be negotiated between employer and employee in light of unfolding circumstances.

I have every sympathy with your situation.

You have the great good fortune to work for an employer with good policies on mental health and on caring responsibilities.

I cannot understand why you imagine you owe your employer anything less than a basic level honesty about the reason you are unable to work.

If you are unable to work due to stress and your Doctor determines that requires time off work then absolutely you should take it - I don't know why anyone would have a problem with the GP's judgement on that.

If the reasons for that stress is a long term and intractable challenge in your home life due to caring responsibilities then at some point you also need a discussion with your employer about the extent to which this can be coped with through flexibilities, or job redesign, or changing role or working pattern, or whether you need to have a more radical rethink as to how you stay afloat.

You need to take responsibility here for managing this with your employer. The challenges are not going away anytime soon. As a PP has said, don't assume an EHCP will solve all the problems.

The employer absolutely should be in contact. It will be part of most sickness policies. The frequency may be set out or may be able to be agreed between OP and manager but they certainly shouldn’t be casting her adrift.

Neither the Met nor the NHS are part of the Civil Service……. They’re all part of the public sector but not the same organisation. (My sister had hideous treatment by the Met for a debilitating condition.)

Having read all of your posts I'm very sorry with what you are going through. I'm not sure which part of the CS you work for but I was employed by the Met police and then the NHS for 15 years. Years ago I had no alternative but to be signed off with anxiety after my sister died and I found out something dreadful at her funeral of all things. My boss was very supportive and he also booked me in for some counselling sessions. I was off for a month. This didn't go against me at all. It is what it is. And with regards to phoning you every 5 minutes, no they can't. They do have a duty of care however and you may get a call once in a while to see how you're doing. Honesty is the best policy in my book and I wish you well.

My friend had a hugely successful career. Had 2 disabled children and couldn’t cope… she took a career break for 3 years… took a part time job to allow her to get the DC settled in schools etc.. DLA for both children helped her financially make up the short fall of not being able to work full time in her chosen career….
Could you ask to go part time in your role? And apply for DLA for the children? And carers allowance ?

I'm sorry you're feeling like this.

Anyone that doesn't have a SEND child won't understand the emotional rollercoaster that's involved. Sadly there is a massive funding hole to ensure that our children are in the right place educationally. If your child has an EHCP and is in mainstream I'd want to know what support is in place. We are in the same position and my daughter attends a special school.

I was incredibly stressed this time last year and needed to make changes but maintain a salary. I really do think you should look at alternative possibilities where you could be flexible but maintain your income.

If you need to be signed off for stress just go with it. It will also be stressful to be signed off with a false illness and then be found out as this could be breach of contract. Whilst signed off your employer shouldn't be in contact.

I can’t give any advice regarding going off with something other than stress, but if it helps my nephew is non verbal and isn’t potty trained and he is in a mainstream nursery school, due to start reception in September and he loves it. I also work in a mainstream school and we have several non verbal children who aren’t potty trained. Their parents are very happy with the level of care and education they receive. It all depends on the school and the provisions they provide for SEN children. So don’t be too disheartened about this just yet.

OP is suffering stress to the point she is not coping and it’s impacting on her health…..she is entitled to sick pay so why wouldn’t she take it???
most public sector jobs in the U.K. offer sick pay ….. often 6 months full and 6 months half pay…..pointless to be jealous 🙄

I lied. I can't ignore this particular cuntiness.

The fact you say "tax dollars" shows you live in a callous and uncaring country.

your healthcare is shit, your Annual leave is shit.

Keep your baggage to yourself.

This is a UK poster and we have a different approach thank god.

This is my first ever MN post.

I cannot get over the sheer amount of Cunty replies.
This will be my last MN post.

Best wishes OP. Take the time off. Use it to recover and plan ahead.

And please please please ignore the nasty people.

I don’t know if it’s much better than stress, but what about exhaustion? That way you could explain to your bosses that the impact of everything at home has left you unable to sleep, and the lack of sleep could impact your performance. Or just say you have been suffering from insomnia.

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, having a child with sen is not easy, we had to fight our local authority with the right specialist education for our DC but won in the end.
Wishing you and your family all the best

I'm am currently off with stress for the 2nd time in 5 yrs.
Those posting that OP should manage her life better clearly don't have a child with SEND.
You have no idea of the fights that we as parents have to fight to get our children into settings that are not there or if they are, the LA refused to pay for.
No one is there to help us, no one is there to advise us.
Not only that but we have other children, a job and home to manage, along with the behaviours our children present with. It isn't their fault, they can't help it. These aren't just 'naughty kids' but they have serious neurological issues. It's bloody stressful to them and us as parents plus we're trying to keep our other kids from being traumatised.
There are not many settings for our kids.
There are many independent schools which are perfect but the problem is, that they cost 30k per term and the local authority knock us back from accessing them.
This OP mum is at the end of her bloody tether with constantly fighting the system to do right by her child, keep her job and keep her family together.
Why not give her some sensible advice and suggestions rather than kick her in the balls while she's already feeling shit about things.
OP, I'm in a similar position and it's shit. I'm sorry you are going through it too.
Skip the shit people's replies and remember that you are a great mum. If you weren't, you wouldn't even bother with this fight because it is damn hard.
Stay strong. You aren't alone xxx

OP I don’t have any practical advice to give, but I just wanted to say I know how hard this must be for you. You are carrying a heck of a lot at the moment. I hope you manage to find a good solution in the short term, and please be assured that in the long term things will get easier (not least because of all that you are doing to support your child and family at the moment). Sending a hug.

Schools aren't allowed to do this.

Sending children home without excluding them is what's called an "illegal exclusion" and as parents you should be refusing to allow it.

An agreed reduced timetable is different, but even then it should only be for 2 or 3 months at the most, increasing the time in school towards full time by the end of the process. And they're not supposed to be used because of behavioural issues.

Schools should not be sending children home. Parents, learn your children's rights!

OP this sounds really difficult.
I work in CS. I have a child with SEN. We are in the ECHP process. I find it immensely difficult to balance my children and work. I do have an understanding manager, which helps. I have been in CS for over 20 years.

Also fast tracked and until I was a parent I worked days off, evenings and was able to offer so much discretionary effort. I no longer do this and for a long time, I saw this as not being good at my job. However, I am good at my job, I deliver well and on time and manage as many projects as others. However, I also know when to say no, as I am working at capacity. I work differently but I am more effective than I used to be, partly because I have had to be. I have stopped going for promotions.

I have been off with stress and I don't believe I had any negative marks against me for this. I have managed large teams and have never been punitive towards someone who is off and has a genuine reason, which includes stress. Those I have had to manage through the sick processes either had patterns (always sick in school holidays) or poor attendance. They have also tended to be people with performance issues.

One of our benefits is sick pay. People don't like CS, and I don't want to derail this by going into public perception but this thread is full of it.

Your children need their Mum to be well, functioning and able to fight their corner.

Your department need you to be well, capable of doing your job and able to deliver what is in your job role.

Right now it sounds like you are struggling to do either. See the GP. It sounds like stress is what you need to be signed off for. Think about how you will fill your tank for when you return.
Look at the carers passport, this should help.
Either refer yourself or have your manager refer you for OH.
Have the counselling.
check out support groups for SEN, ECHP application both locally and on FB.

There may be difficult choices to make. We are about to downsize so I can afford to do less days. Not ideal, as the type of house we can afford to live in will make somethings tricker at home, but my daughter needs me to be free for her more. She is in school at the moment, but we suspect she won't be for much longer if we don't get the ECHP support in place. It is a hard choice, we won't have holidays etc, but it is the only way of surviving. Work gives me my sanity space, so I can only reduce not quit, unless I find another avenue to cope and keep well myself.

Look after yourself and whilst I wouldn't say my daughters needs have got easier or less - she is 9- I have accepted the changes which comes with being a SEN parent and adjusted what I want from life.

If is hard being a SEN parent. You can feel so unseen with friends, as it is hard to describe your experiences of parenting. I have lost friends, because I just can't work, be a good parent and see friends. I have tonight cancelled seeing some friends because my daughter had a rough start to the day, I was called into school and I needed to make up my hours this evening.

I hope sometime off helps you build your resilience

You really need to talk to your wellbeing team. I am a civil servant and I understand where ypu are coming from but you need to take advantage of everything that is offered.
You cannot be managed out of your role. Have you discussed current issues and asked for a work life balance to be implemented for ypu, even temporarily.
I am a manager and I would not feel like I was supporting my staff if they felt they could not approach and discuss issues with me.