Need to go off work with stress - but don’t want it marked as stress

This is useful advice @Marshallscrossing!

OP, you might be assuming that people you know have been ‘managed out’ due their card saying stress leave, but it’s a big assumption. You don’t know their particular situation and performance standards/issues. E.g. people take sick leave due to stress when they’re already underperforming, and that might unfortunately continue when they’re back, but their time off sick isn’t an issue. People take sick leave when they’re burnt out and demotivated and might find they still hate their role when they get back and not quite pull their weight. HR would be very, very, very careful about ‘managing out’ good performers without solid evidence, it can cost them dearly, and CS HR are going to be even more careful.

I really empathise with your situation but you’re panicking and making big assumptions. Give yourself time and space to recover.

OP very kindly, I think your MH may in fact be worse than you think. Your worry about your “card being marked” while understandable does suggest some element of catastrophising (which I flag as this is what I do when I anxious and getting seriously overwhelmed).

Please don’t try to get signed off with other problems (it can come back and bite you - GP refusing to assist - even causing problems in future for things like travel insurance).

Yes people with health problems do get managed out of work, but my experience has been it is individuals who repeatedly are having time off/seeking adjustments which massively impact the business - not people who have one off episodes of depression or anxiety.

In terms of will they chase you - no. They will keep in touch in the sense of requiring fit notes for any absence, after a certain period you will be referred to OH (you may want to be referred earlier so you can access some counselling).

My advice, go to the GP, likely you’ll get signed off and then breathe. In a week or two if you are still feeling bad the GP will want to see you again and then you can work out a plan. As I say you may want to be referred to OH sooner then later as they often have counsellors available and/or can suggest adjustments to work that may lift the load.

Everyone has a breaking point and it’s understandable you are at yours.

I used to work for the civil service and was signed off largely with stress. At the time, the GP also recognised that I had some form of physical exhaustion, and we spoke about a virus I'd had a fee months earlier. As a result, Post Viral Fatigue Sydrome was used as my reason for absence on the fit note.

Might be useful if you explain to the GP that you're physically and mentally exhausted.

Such a helpful post, hope the OP takes your advice. Good luck OP.

I think though - the OP has chosen to have a large mortgage - that's why the money is needed. I think the issue is the OP has asked for ways to lie to get paid time off work.

I have SEN, my kids have SEN - we know lots of people/kids with SEN as a result so the OP does have my sympathy.

If the OP's work can facilitate time off for home-life stress - than why not? But better not to lie which is what I think she seems to have already accepted.

But it is worth considering her other financial options if its the payment of a large mortgage which is adding to her woes.

Nothing to do with her sex.

@Marshallscrossing GP's/registered clinicians can use discretion when writing the diagnosis on a fit note if there's a chance it could be prejudicial to your wellbeing (if the true diagnosis was written). So go to your GP, tell the truth about why you're not fit for work (stress/anxiety/low mood) and explain that citing stress as the diagnosis on your note is a worry you don't need.

In all honesty though you're overthinking the situation (because you're genuinely stressed - it's a symptom). You won't be managed out over a singular period of stress, even if you DO take the full 6 months (and I think you should). If you get into a long term (over years!) pattern of taking 6 months off whenever your rolling full pay kicks back in, then eyebrows may be raised. As it is, you'll be doing absolutely nothing wrong.

To those saying long term changes are needed, of course they are but its hard to think rationally and action when youre in the thick of it.

Im a manager in a large corporate company. I advised one of my team to go off with stress. Similar to you it was nothing to do with work but serious homelife problems. In the end she took 2 months. She had the space to sort out urgent things and then put in place lasting support mechanisms. I'm certain without this she would have been forced to quit or made a mistake that would have tarnished her career.

Shes back and one of our best. Shes loyal, brilliant and someone I can always rely on. It hasnt hurt her career and Im glad her honesty meant we could put things in place and keep her.

To those saying others have to pick up the slack, they can push back, its bad management as is so often the problem.

Hi, OP. Hopefully the fact that work have changed your hours from September means they've been supportive of you, and so when you feel able to speak to them about things they 1) listen and 2) get it.

It really sounds like your two major stressors, school for DC and your dying parent, will get better with time (I can't think of a not awful way to work that, obviously in an ideal world your ill parent situation would improve because they got better!) and so any employer who has half a brain should realise that helping you now, keeps their really good employee happy and working with them long term, which is surely what both you and they want.

I would recommend speaking to your GP about the situation and seeing what they suggest. It might be some sort of antidepressant, for a short period, which may mean you don't need to be off work, if that's what you'd like to happen. But being given a sick note-and for stress it'll likely be a month at a time-will mean your employer shouldn't be chasing you. They may check in at an agreed time, perhaps fortnightly, but that should be it.

Surely when the gp writes the sick note, there is no requirement to specify what they are signing off for, just that they consider you not capable of work for the specified amount of time?

I thought that the reason of your time off was not disclosed in the papers the doctors handle to you. Only that it was short or long term. I may be wrong but I thought the papers said the minimum in order to no allow others to discriminate for health reasons.

Just go to the GP and talk to them, if your work place discriminate you after you are back just take them to court. I wouldn't fake a reason because that should be something that can work against you because it is a lie.

Good luck OP and keep strong.

People get signed off with cancer, broken bones, the flu, none of that is work related either 🤦‍♀️. Sick leave is not just for work-related illness.

The op is worried about being penalised later in her career for having a period off sick.

Most people can't survive on two days a week wages. That's not a realistic suggestion here. Op says she enjoys her job and needs the income, life is just quite tough right now. No amount of 'money management' advice is going to help with that. Unless your going to magic up a full time salary and a SEN school placement?

If a man was struggling would so many people jump on and tell him to quit his job or go part time? I doubt it, it's because OP is a mother and a woman.
Some really thoughtless and unhelpful posts on this thread.

I can see why you are struggling - except you want to get signed off for paid leave for stress not related to your work? All the stress you mention is home-life related

So what?!?

If you fell and broke your legs tripping over your kids toys, would you expect your work to say 'well yes, we accept you have broken legs. But you didn't break your legs in WORK so it's irrelevant, we still expect you in every day to stand at the tills'.

Of course not. That would be ridiculous. Whether the broken leg occurred at home or work, it's still broken.

Your post is irrelevant. The op is suffering with the effects of stress and sounds unfit for work at present. HOW she got that stressed is irrelevant to time being signed off.

I can see why you are struggling - except you want to get signed off for paid leave for stress not related to your work? All the stress you mention is home-life related.

You work for the civil service and you want people to come up with a good way of lying so no one realises you are lying so they tax payer can fund you while you stay at home.

I am not actually attacking you - I can see that you are struggling but I hope you can see how low you have actually got.

Maybe ask to switch to two days a week for a period and then get some money management advice on how to cope with the reduced income?

I'm sure you could get a little time off with a bogus condition but apart from it being gross misconduct (which it strikes me you are not that type of person) it also will actively inhibit help. You need a break - you’re overwhelmed and that’s why you’re considering wild choices. Go to the doctors for stress. At some point your work is likely to ask if you would attend occupational health meeting who would discuss what a return to work looks like and what adjustments could be made - sounds like your work are pretty flexible which is good but perhaps workload is a problem, or an alternative role - still employed but perhaps less responsibility (less pay but better than non). These may be options as well as others but only if you’re honest. The fact is they’ll find out if you lie. You can’t go on as is so work through the best way you can prioritising yourself.

You might be able to organise some help for managing hospital trips for your unwell parent. There are volunteers and organisations, sometimes located in hospitals. Ask the hospital about possible sources of help with this.

Also see if locally there are any dedicated charities to help with children; the local council may have a volunteer hub or know if there are any local charities or schemes for befrienders or supporters of families struggling to cope or in need of respite.

I would be honest with your work about what is happening and why you are taking the time off.

I would also be using that time to rebalance your life. Both parents working full time doesn't seem possible for your family, it isn't possible for many families with significant additional needs.

I understand that you need this income level to live in your current situation but looking to reorganize your lifestyle so you can manage on either one income or 1.5 incomes would give you the long term flexibility that a few months off won't.

Once you have had a short rest I would use the rest of your time to future proof so you have the flexibility to support your dc without ending up back where you are now.

What about "exhaustion" That's what was on my sick note when I had to be off with grief/stress

Again, fuck off telling people to fake migraine and in this case, cluster headache. Cluster headache is known as the suicide headache for a reason (ask me how I know!). Lying minimises the experiences of those of with these conditions and makes it so much harder for us to be taken seriously. STOP IT!

Again, I've not mentioned migraines @PeonySeasons . And yes, I'm well aware of CH being called Suicide Headaches and I know more about severe CH's than most...maybe you could guess how I know.

Ime there's been no issue with being 'taken seriously' over a severe headache disorder. Certainly much less difficult than being taken seriously over stress disorders, as demonstrated by many posters pretty much telling the op to suck it up.

If you want your own thread about the miseries of headache disorders, go create one.

I just wanted to mention, as someone who's DH works in an engineering firm with supposedly no flex (as in, they don't advertise it!), that as a parent he is entitled to ask for flexible working arrangements to support you and your family, and they have to at least consider it. If he has a good relationship with his work and they want to hang on to him, he may well be able to negotiate some flexibility. It makes me mad that the majority of this burden tends to fall on women - more men need to ask for and successfully manage flexibility to support family life. In our case my DH went to compressed hours over 4 days, saving a day's childcare for no loss in salary. It's had no impact on his career. He's also at times taken unpaid parental leave in blocks of a week in addition to his holiday entitlement each year (obvs there's a financial cost, but it was worth it for us) and his work are understanding/flexible when he has to take time off for the children's appointments - his manager knows that we both work and we try to manage the impact on our respective employers fairly. Has he actually talked about it to his work at all, or is he assuming there will be no flex possible? In my experience many men do this and it is worth them speaking up.

Ah OP I wish I could reach through my computer and give you a hug. You sound so stressed. Please ignore the awful posters - stress is one of the biggest factors to many health conditions later in life. It is so important for yourself and your family to manage it now before it spirals out of control. This is exactly what your sick leave is for. Your workplace (ideally) will support you with this.

What I would say though is, don't lie. Be completely upfront with your manager/HR and explain your situation. Go to your GP as well and explain it all too, and outline that you're getting stress headaches/migraines on top. They should be able to provide you with a sick note. Take this to your manager/HR and let that be the end of it. Take the 6 months without guilt. Focus on both of your kids, yourself, and your family. Take some time to sort out everything you need to, but also to find time to yourself to relax and come up with strategies to avoid this happening again.

I noticed some other posters asking about benefits and you mentioned DLA - but you didn't mention Child Benefit and Carer's Allowance. You are entitled to both - so make sure you apply. It'd give you a bit of breathing room.

I had five weeks off in 2022 for stress related to DS who has since been diagnosed with ASD.

Had no issues being signed off - though it might have helped that it was my line manager who suggested that I might be better off not being in work for a bit as there was also a lot going on in work that was not helping.

Re DollyPartonsBeard comment. I'm useless at working out how to reply to said comment sorry!

It must be utterly exhausting, genuinely, I really feel for you. I think you almost certainly need time off to process this or it will just catch up with you later. (I've been there, huge stress and I just kept working through it)

Slightly off topic but in response to this comment - please don't get anyone to fake thyroid problems. I had a thyroid storm and am still recovering years later, going from normal life to hell in one split second. I'm currently on a new drug trial. It's ruined and changed my whole life. I'm absolutely shell shocked the insinuation that a doctor would do this and use thyroid problems as an excuse. It goes no way to help those genuinely struggling and alleviate public perception or understanding of thyroid disease. Of which any good endocrinologist will tell you research is limited and the experts are learning every day especially when it's auto immune related thyroid issues. That one tiny butterfly gland affects every system in your body and it's not a simple case of remove and replace with drugs...'thyroid problems' should never be minimalised. OP I would advise speaking opening to your doctor regarding your concerns. Also if you have a union speak to them. I get what you are saying but your mental health and wellbeing is worth more. Any employer worth your time, should recognise that.