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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Still doesn’t want me in his child’s life

222 replies

Suziana · 13/06/2024 01:33

I’ve been with my partner for 18 months, he has a 10 year old daughter, in Y6. Her mother passed away 7 years ago. I have one child who’s 18.
So far the relationship has been kept away from her. We spend one night a week together most weeks (the nanny gets paid to babysit overnight) and we spend Saturday together from about 1 - 5 (child has a hobby).
I’ve met her once it was brief and he didn’t introduce me as his girlfriend, I was picking up a bag I’d left at his and stopped for a cup of tea.
We spend more time together in the summer holidays as she spends 6/8 weeks at camp or with grandparents, similar idea for other holidays.

After summer she will move to senior school and become a weekly boarder. He has said we can spend more nights together in the week now but I can’t stay Friday or Saturday night when his daughter is home. I asked why and he said that he doesn’t want to make her deal with his relationship.
I asked if this is just for Y7 or if we will be looking at this longer term.
He said he is unlikely to want me in her life anytime soon, perhaps closer to 16, but wouldn’t have me move in until she moved out (what if she wants to live at home for uni?)

Now I’m fine with 4/5 nights a week for now but 7 years is a long time to maintain that. It also means I’ll have a house that is used rarely.
I asked when he will introduce me properly as his girlfriend and he said “not yet”.

The set up also means we never get to go on holiday together as all of his holiday is spent with his daughter.

AIBU to think there is protecting your child but this is too far and to think I should cut my losses?

OP posts:
TotalAbsenceOfImperialRaiment · 13/06/2024 16:22

Why are you so keen to be a step-parent, given that there does not seem to be a single advantage to being one?

zingally · 13/06/2024 16:17

Personally, I have a lot of respect for a guy who wants to put his child ahead of his relationship.

Springwatch123 · 13/06/2024 16:16

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/06/2024 16:09

I think the problem is this.

Show quote history

I don’t see that. I don’t see that op wants a full-on blended family. I interpret it that op doesn’t want to be excluded and/ or a secret, and that she has a friendly relationship with the daughter. She’s not trying or wanting to be a stepmum.

It could be something as simple as being in the family home when the daughter is home, if only for a cup of coffee. Not living two separate lives, and tip- toeing around when daughter is home. At the moment, it seems that wouldn’t be allowed and the op is fully excluded.

beetr00 · 13/06/2024 16:11

@Suziana admirable defence of him. eta sp.

It does not resolve your dilemma though, does it?

You should rightly be acknowledged as an important part of his life, as is his daughter.

SmileyHappyPeopleInTheSun · 13/06/2024 16:09

Oceancolorseen · 13/06/2024 14:40

He wants a girlfriend.
You want a blended family.
Two different set ups.
This is not likely to work for you.

I think the problem is this.

protectoroftherealm · 13/06/2024 16:08

He works 8am - 6pm Monday to Thursday, 8am - 2pm on a Friday.
Currently the many provides all after school care as he isn’t home until 7.
He told me that he gave her two options

• Day school but every night she would come home to an empty house and get herself to and from hobbies as nanny’s aren’t really a thing past primary
• Weekly board, more opportunities for activity including being able to attend a school that allows her specialise in music which she hopes to make a career from

But there was a 3rd option @Suziana if he really was thinking about the best interests of his daughter.

He could get another job. He's not owned by his job. He could change it to one which offered him the chance to actually be there for her, he could introduce you slowly and gradually so his little girl had the chance to become part of a close family. It's not that boarding school & you being a secret was her choice, he just never offered it her. For some reason....

Original poster
Suziana · 13/06/2024 16:07

TinkerTiger · 13/06/2024 16:05

Drama. He can reduce hours, nothing close to ‘give up work’ 🙄

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No he can’t, in many industries that’s not an option. He runs his own business, he can’t just give up hours. He only earns while he is working, paid directly from client to him reducing hours will make him less appealing to clients and hurt his daughter as she currently lives a lovely life.

OP posts:
Marblessolveeverything · 13/06/2024 16:06

@Suziana so don't express an opinion on a public forum. Eh nope thank you.

TinkerTiger · 13/06/2024 16:05

Suziana · 13/06/2024 15:17

What do you suggest dad does. Give up work?

Show quote history

Drama. He can reduce hours, nothing close to ‘give up work’ 🙄

Feelsodrained · 13/06/2024 16:01

“I have widowed friends, all of their children have motherly figures in their lives - grandmothers; aunts; close friends of their dead mothers.
My own mother grew up without a mother but with other mother figures - she did not want, or need, a stepmother.”

“No one needs a step mother as a mother figure.”

Why is a stepmother automatically considered bad and ‘not needed’? She might well be able to fill the mothering role much better than eg a friend of the deceased mum because she will have closer involvement and maybe live with them. At the end of the day, a friend of the deceased mum is unlikely to provide that and a grandmother may not be around that long or live close. Not saying all stepmums are saints but to just write off someone as not needed as a role model just because they’re a stepmum is odd. I know they seem generally hated here but in some countries, stepparents are known as bonus parents and step kids as bonus kids which I think is a nicer way of thinking about it. Not a replacement but an addition.

PixieLaLar · 13/06/2024 15:57

He told me that he gave her two options

  1. Day school but every night she would come home to an empty house and get herself to and from hobbies as nanny’s aren’t really a thing past primary
  2. Weekly board, more opportunities for activity including being able to attend a school that allows her specialise in music which she hopes to make a career from

Well I think it was pretty obvious which option he wanted her to ‘choose’ isn’t it.
Why wasn’t there an
option 3.
Start secondary school continuing to have the nanny for the first year while she adjusts/gets a bit older and can take taxis to her hobbies.

7pm really isn’t that late for her Dad to get home, at least they would still be able to have dinner together and it’s only 4 nights of the week. Hopefully she will enjoy boarding school but I wouldn’t be surprised if she ends up resenting him when shes older, especially when she finds out Dads had a girlfriend who’s been staying over in the week that he hid from her for however many years.

OVienna · 13/06/2024 15:50

Feelsodrained · 13/06/2024 13:12

He can keep it separate and do things with the DD on his own and keep interactions with the OP minimal. However to not want them to meet and not tell the DD about the OP is taking it too far I think. I wouldn’t have that. I also can’t tell you how outright WEIRD I would have found it if as a teen, I discovered my mum had a boyfriend of several years that I didn’t know anything about and had never met. I’d find that so much harder than you know, meeting him. Fair enough don’t move in some random with criminal convictions after three months, but the idea that it’s bad for kids to see their parent in any sort of romantic relationship until they are fully grown up is batshit. Where will they learn about healthy relationships from? Why is it so bad for them to meet a new partner? How will they feel when they are grown up (eg 18) and suddenly their parent whips out their partner of 8 years and says “yeah this is Anna who I have been with for nearly a decade, she’s moving in now. I know I’ve never mentioned her but yeah, cool huh?”.
And how would it work with wider family? Can OP meet them? Or do the wider family have to be careful never to mention OP to the DD?
While I know a couple of people with horror step parent stories, the majority of my friends with stepparents love them and value them immensely and it seems a million miles away from the Mumsnet view that stepfamilies are the worst thing you can inflict on a child.

What you described is precisely what happened in a family we know. It's not gone well - the child now sees the parent in a totally different light and wonders what else has been hidden.

pontipinemum · 13/06/2024 15:50

Iloveshihtzus · 13/06/2024 10:05

I have widowed friends, all of their children have motherly figures in their lives - grandmothers; aunts; close friends of their dead mothers.
My own mother grew up without a mother but with other mother figures - she did not want, or need, a stepmother.

No one needs a step mother as a mother figure.

Show quote history

I know what a mean things to say.

My lovely sister died at 33 and had 2 young children. Her husband has dated, (it's a small town we don't pry but do hear) but has never introduced the DC to anyone else. It has been 8 years.

And the children have a huge amount of women in their lives who all love them.

musicforthesoul · 13/06/2024 15:42

I think it's a good thing he's considering his daughters needs in terms of keeping your relationship away from her, whether or not anyone here agrees with him is irrelevant. It's also good he's being up front and honest with you about it rather than stringing you along with false promises.

Having said that, I personally wouldn't be willing to deal with those restrictions on a relationship multiple years, sadly I'd see it as us just being incompatible if he didn't see us living together or having holidays together for the best part of a decade.

You'll have to decide if it's a dealbreaker for you or not.

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 13/06/2024 15:41

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 13/06/2024 15:41

Maybe she already does - Aunties, close family friends, she has grandparents so grandmother(s)…

(in response to poster saying it was sad the child does not have a motherly figure in her life)

ThankGodForDancingFruit · 13/06/2024 15:41

Maybe she already does - Aunties, close family friends, she has grandparents so grandmother(s)…

Springwatch123 · 13/06/2024 15:38

Does she even know you and him socialise together?

Original poster
Suziana · 13/06/2024 15:36

Marblessolveeverything · 13/06/2024 15:27

How about find a job that fits being an only parent. It is what millions of us do! I went from top four Law firm in my jurisdiction, working 80+ hours to state agency family friendly hours to ensure my children had me available.

I can never get over the failure to understand that having children means that life changes. I do feel very sorry for that young girl, because she doesn't have her only parent as her day to day rock.

My children do and it grounded them, he is storing up a lot of issues down the road. There are substantial research showing the impact on children who board but most people ignore it as "it didn't do them any harm"

Ironically not linking their inability to put a child need before their wants.🤦‍♀️

Show quote history

We will agree to disagree but I didn’t give up my work when my husband died. I couldn’t it was the one thing that kept me grounded, I’d have been a worse parent if I gave it up and made myself miserable.
Children choosing to board is fine. It won’t work for some but it down to their parents to figure out if it will work for their children.

It isn’t one size fits all, you have to trust a parent is putting their child first and I believe he is. So if people who don’t know him, their family or the situation want to stop showing outrage that would be nice.

It’s not your family, you don’t know them and you don’t have to agree with it.
Boarding works for many families. No one asked your opinion on boarding. So politely answer the question at hand and keep unrelated opinions to yourself.

OP posts:
LordPercyPercy · 13/06/2024 15:35

I'd say it's absolutely his choice but it's also absolutely fine for you to decide this isn't the relationship for you in which case.

Original poster
Suziana · 13/06/2024 15:30

Justleaveitblankthen · 13/06/2024 15:24

Sorry if I have missed any updates OP (on the App) but where does your 18yo fit in all this?
Have they left home?

She is at university in America

OP posts:
Thebellofstclements · 13/06/2024 15:27

Not the point, I know, but boarding school children don't live at home for uni, neither do they stay living at home after uni. Although they always know they are welcome back at home whenever (and - in my experience - have a very close relationship with their parents and siblings).
NB. This is just MY experience of several dozen examples. I'm sure there are some that move home and never leave whilst concurrently despising their immediate family.

Marblessolveeverything · 13/06/2024 15:27

Suziana · 13/06/2024 15:17

What do you suggest dad does. Give up work?

Show quote history

How about find a job that fits being an only parent. It is what millions of us do! I went from top four Law firm in my jurisdiction, working 80+ hours to state agency family friendly hours to ensure my children had me available.

I can never get over the failure to understand that having children means that life changes. I do feel very sorry for that young girl, because she doesn't have her only parent as her day to day rock.

My children do and it grounded them, he is storing up a lot of issues down the road. There are substantial research showing the impact on children who board but most people ignore it as "it didn't do them any harm"

Ironically not linking their inability to put a child need before their wants.🤦‍♀️

Justleaveitblankthen · 13/06/2024 15:24

Sorry if I have missed any updates OP (on the App) but where does your 18yo fit in all this?
Have they left home?

Feelsodrained · 13/06/2024 15:19

That should say ICK rather than ici

Feelsodrained · 13/06/2024 15:19

Frogandfish · 13/06/2024 15:12

one hand, I totally respect keeping a child (especially a young, bereaved one) separate from the parent's romantic relationships for a good long time. Only right that she's his priority. However, you must be your own.

You have to decide whether to proceed on these terms. If you're wanting a relationship where you live together, possibly get married in time, it's a very long time (until 16) to wait and see whether a very significant puzzle piece fits(not saying instantly) and you all get on.

I understand the man's approach but would only accept it if I only wanted a casual relationship myself (If I was to date a father. It was always a hard no because I don't have my own kids and didn't want the added complication). If I had a long term relationship in mind, I would want to know DD rather sooner than he is thinking. I wouldn't want to take up all her weekends with dad but when you eventually meet, if there is a clash, she isn't happy, it doesn't work out, where does that leave you? Starting all over again after what, 6 or 7 years?

This is true. What if, after 7 years, you do meet and she decides that she hates you and doesn’t want you in her life at all? 16 year olds aren’t always entirely rational after all. Will he then leave you after such a long time together? Or will you go back to being the secret girlfriend? If you meet her at an earlier stage a) she’s more likely to be flexible and adapt to the situation b) less aware of sexual relationships and less likely to see her dad having a girlfriend as ‘gross’ and ‘ici’ and c) you can see if you get on and if things are really difficult, you can decide whether to end the relationship as a result or find a work-around that the DD is okay with.