Does anyone else's mum do this?!

My Mum's Mum does this, all the time, in pretty much exactly all the same ways as you described.

If all of 3 of us are out together my Gran always seems to think that my Mum should pay for her and for me. She says 'a mother should treat her daughter', but she never offers to treat her own!

No, my mum won’t let me pay. If I insist or get there first she gives me the silent treatment for a couple of weeks. I wish I could treat her some times!

They all sound awful and you sound too kind and generous.
Close the purse completely.
I would be so pissed off if I were you.
Both mean AND disrespectful.

How much do you actually save in childcare costs due to her help? Would it work out cheaper to pay directly for that?

Are you ok to start paying if you stop subbing her and she decides to stop helping g you.

Maybe have a conversation

My mum offers to pay in cafes.

My mum does this OP and I also don’t like it. My own kids don’t even do this. My DD’s either buy it themselves or try to pay me back although a lot of the time I say don’t worry. My mum does act like she is a poor Victorian child for some reason (she isn’t) but I don’t spend much time with her anymore as it’s not just this, she doesn’t help with anything at all and hasn’t for years including helping out at meals we make for her or bringing food or drink to a gathering

Next time she suggests going to a cafe, reply with "only if you're paying this time, because I'm skint". And perhaps as a safety plan, in case you think she'll manipulate you into paying, reiterate as you sit down "just to check, you're definitely paying this time, aren't you? I do not have enough to cover this"

My mum often pays for stuff.

My mum and gran used to do this - both trying to pay.

It might be that she expects it if she’s doing childcare - but you’re going to have to say something about it if you think it’s unfair.

I have added my mums credit card to my Apple Pay.

Now if she asks me to order things, I'll ping it to her phone to confirm and double check she wants me to order it.

Then I use her card to pay.

Get her card added to your wallet then it becomes easier for her to pay her way.

No mine doesn't do this. And vice versa I don't. It might be sometimes that we will treat the other and say oh I'll get this today - coffees and cake for example - and generally it evens out and is balanced but never would expect it and if not rest of the time we will get our own. And certainly things like shopping whether in person or online will get our own bits or transfer money over to the other to pay for it if not.

That's quite strange behaviour from your mum, I would say. Are you clearly rolling in it and she isn't? Even so, it's quite rude and cheeky.

I pay fair shares or more when DM and I go out but she hosts me at her home much more often than I host her at mine.

My mum is kind of like this, she never offers but always accepts me paying. My parents stay at ours from abroad for months at a time and contribute absolutely nothing but eat and drink like there is no tomorrow.

Mine doesn’t, she’ll be the opposite - if I try and pay she’ll stuff money into my hand or leave it in my house somewhere.

I’m not sure what’s going on with your mum. If you can afford it and maybe it’s because she is struggling then tread sensitively. If you can’t afford it and she doesn’t have money issues then definitely try and put some boundaries in place. ‘Sorry I can’t afford coffee today mum’ - ‘I’ll just save your items here for you to pay’ etc

Mine is the opposite and by default my mum go to pay before me. Well my dad does- in their relationship he controls most of the money 🙄
MIL is as you describe. She still lives in a 70s and 80s world where things cost a pound, she doesn't do it nastily but we end up paying for everything.

Just to add to that, there is a thread about feeling like a grown up. I'd moved out at 18 and never went back, but at about 24 we went to a family wedding in a town I knew and they didn't, as my uni friends had moved there. It was a lovely holiday place not near mine or parents home. I was able to take my parents to a really nice restaurant my uni mates had recommended and pick up the whole bill for the first time and felt like a total adult!
I could afford that as uni mates lent me their flat as they were visiting family abroad!

My mum will always pay when we go out and like some others say there's usually a fight to pay in contrast to the inlaws who not only never stick their hands in their pockets have stolen from us... maybe that's for another thread one day. 🤣

No my mum never lets me post for anything when we go anywhere and I’m 53!

No I would imagine most mums do not do this. My mum would never do this and I would not do this to my child. In fact my mum always try’s to pay for my stuff when we go out shopping etc

Mine doesn't. My mum pays for everything. She will never let me pay. Sometimes I have to whip my card out and tap it before she can lol o

My parents are very generous but also fair minded so it tends to be turn and turn about rather than split down the middle. They would pay for everything if I needed them to but I don't. Likewise I'd sub them if needed, but it isn't. They have a general attitude that wealth should flow down the generations not up but they aren't militant about it and over the last 5 years have started to just accept that I'll pay for more stuff. My brother is in less fortunate financial circumstances so just lets them pay which is also fine, I used to let them pay when I was broke too!

Mine. Since the day I graduated 25 years ago she hasn’t paid for more than a round of ice-creams at the beach maybe 4 times a year. Drives me up the wall; we have had huge arguments about it, but still she doesn’t change. I am literally the only adult I know whose parents don’t pay when they are out. And it’s not just that she doesn’t pay, she doesn’t even offer. Neither does she offer to pay for anything I buy for her whilst in a supermarket, but charges me for anything she gets for me.
she has a very odd view of money generally, and certainly since I’ve been married our household income has been higher than hers….. but then she retired at 45 with her mortgage (on a 4 bed detached now worth £1m) paid off. She does some childcare for us, but has repeatedly refused to be paid, so perhaps she sees it as some sort of payback (although I was single, childless and earning for 10 years and she didn’t offer then either). She regularly comes on holiday with us (as far away as Australia) and never offers to cover flights or accommodation (pays us back in ice-cream). Left to her own devices she would never go out for a meal/coffee/on holiday, so I think she thinks if we want her to come we should pay as she’d be equally happy to stay at home. I don’t know what the answer is, but I absolutely empathise @maria2bela1

Opposite. I have to wrestle her card off her to stop her paying, and when I do pay she says lovely morbid things like 'My money's your money when I'm gone, you may as well have it now.' Thanks mum, but can I just pay for lunch?

No my mum is the opposite and wants to pay for everything, I don’t let her all the time.

if we go for lunch she wants to pay, if I buy something at the shops when I’m wih her she wants to pay, if we order drinks, she wants to pay,

I do let her he majority of times but other times I pay.

Most mothers would pay for their adult child in a café. She's being mean.