AIBU to turn down a promotion...

spukalili · 2024-06-12T17:37:42+00:00

I have two young children - a 3 year old and a 1 year old. I returned to work at the start of this month after having a year off. I am very fortunate in that my current job is extremely flexible - I work from home for 2 days a week, office based twice a week, then have every Friday off (plus weekends). I get 31 days of leave and the salary is reasonable for the position. The only drawback is that there is little room for progression, I'm at the top of my band and it's around 45mins to an hour drive from home, depending on traffic. While I was on maternity leave, a job that I had been waiting to be created, became available. Unfortunately, we had a restructure, meaning I couldn't apply. I was gutted, tried looking around for similar roles and coincidently found one in an organisation closer to me. I applied and was offered the job. It starts on a lower salary than I'm currently on (just) but provides me with the opportunity to develop my career and move into management. I met with the manager to provide some documents and I'm suddenly really torn about whether this is the right move for me, at this point in my life. He seemed great, the team is well established, and it will be a really challenging role for me. Problem is...I'd be in the office 5 days a week, set times, between 8am - 4pm. I'd need to put my children in childcare for another day, costing me around £400 a month. There is scope to work from home, but obviously not immediately until I was settled in the team. It's closer than my current job, but still a rubbish drive, and the additional office days would cancel out any savings in fuel. The probationary period is a whopping 12 months (although I'd get continuous service, so I'm protected in terms of redundancy, mat pay, sick pay, etc). I think if they'd agreed to my salary request I could have justified the move, but they'd only agreed to match my current salary (which is fair enough). That said, I work in an incredibly niche area, so the chance of something coming up again in the near future, so close to home, is fairly unlikely. It would be a difficult year. We'd have less money, I'd have less time with my children. I couldn't apply for any kind of flexible working until next September, at which point my oldest would be at school anyway. Am I being unreasonable by turning the job down? Should I be focusing on furthering my career, or being available for my children while they are so little? I've been told that this time goes so quickly so I'm reluctant to miss anything I don't have to, but also, I'm worried that this might be a good opportunity I'm passing by. I appreciate it's a privileged position to be in, but I just need some input from other parents who may have had to make a similar decision.

LoveSkaMusic · 13/06/2024 10:22

For me, it'd be a hard no.

It's not a promotion if there's less pay. Also, the lack of flexibility is really poor.

If they want to give you less flexibility over your current job, then to attract you to join them, they should be paying enough money to cover it, and then some more.

You cannot join a company and upend your life on the basis that you might get a promotion in a year's time. It may not materialise and then you're screwed.

I would go back to them and explain that the risk is too great on the salary they've offered. Go back to them with a figure that works for you and politely state that as much as you'd like to join them, you'll be unable to do so without either flexibility on WFH or a stronger salary offer.

Original poster

spukalili · 13/06/2024 08:52

FleetwoodMacAttack · 13/06/2024 08:35

I think there’s a really important other factor here - do you have back up infallible childcare if one of your kids are ill?

You mention your DH having to be in a physical place of work. If that means you’ll end up with picking up majority of sickness days (which is tough as the higher earner / as I am - because Manager expectations are often high) there’s no way I’d risk you not having a day off/ability to flex your hours.

Thank you for your reply.

I do have my mum, but she is a far cry from "infallible". She lives just over an hour away and is in her mid-seventies. As amazing as she is, and as lucky as we are to have her there if we need her, I wouldn't like to think that was our only option (and unfortunately, it is).

Our childminder is incredibly reliable, has never taken a sick day (and she's been doing it for over 30 years!) but again, you can't bet on that.

You make a really good point about the flexibility. I'd feel so guilty if I started this role and then had to call in to tell them I couldn't come in. With two children under 4, the chances of illness are fairly high, and I don't think I'd get through a year without having at least one bout of illness spreading through the household!

At the moment I just send a quick message on Teams and I'm not bothered for the rest of the day. This absolutely wouldn't be possible in the management role.

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FleetwoodMacAttack · 13/06/2024 08:35

I think there’s a really important other factor here - do you have back up infallible childcare if one of your kids are ill?

You mention your DH having to be in a physical place of work. If that means you’ll end up with picking up majority of sickness days (which is tough as the higher earner / as I am - because Manager expectations are often high) there’s no way I’d risk you not having a day off/ability to flex your hours.

Summerslimm · 13/06/2024 06:28

If it was me I wouldn’t give up that flexibility of 2 days from home and a day off not when the kids are so young. It sucks and is very much the “mother” penalty at work but the sad reality is kids do need a parent to look after them when they are sick &!someone to facilitate all the input needed to attend primary school it’s more full on than nursery from my experience with two kids who are now teens There will be another opportunity to push your career again but personally I’d wait until kids a bit older and settled into the school routine. There may not be space in the school breakfast club or after school club or your kids may hate it or be exhausted at end of school day and not cope with it. For no financial gain it wouldn’t be worth it for me. Good luck I hope you can make it work for you.

Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 22:22

Ioverslept · 12/06/2024 22:10

What about a different day of the week? Anyway, I sense you are not too keen on this new role but understand you feel torn. Regarding childcare, I guess school holidays would be a challenge anyway, as they are for most working parents. I personally would probably stay put but would also probably always wonder if it was the right thing to do. What does your partner say? Whatever you decide, try to be happy with the decision and focus on the positives. Good luck!

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Thank you!

Any other day of the week would result in us having to move current childcare around and both children are really settled where they are. I'd be reluctant to do any other day.

I love the idea of the role, as it's what I've been training/waiting for, for years! I think it would be a welcome challenge for me, and I do think it would help me develop my career over the long term - but I suppose I'm nervous to lose the very secure, safe and familiar place I'm currently in. It isn't the most stimulating thing, but perhaps that's what I need with two small terrors running around.

I've never really been "unhappy" in this job, and I've been here for 8 years. I can't even imagine how it would feel if I didn't want to go to work, or if my work caused me genuine anxiety. I suppose I can't guarantee that this job will be what I expect, that I'll be any good at it, or that it will eventually shape around my life in a manageable way, and that's where the doubt has come in. It's great on paper - new opportunity, I did great at the interview which boosted my confidence, but in reality it isn't as straight forward!

Partner has been super supportive from the beginning, told me he was happy to pick up the slack at home in terms of childcare and housework and he thinks it was a great opportunity for me. But he was a bit miffed when my (reasonable) request for a slight increase on my starting salary was refused. He thinks they know how challenging the role is, how niche the skillset is, and how highly qualified I am, and that they're not making an effort to meet me half way. I explained that generally, that isn't how employers work, and they just have a service to run and budget constraints. Overall, he's supportive of whatever I choose, but I just want someone to tell me what to do 😂

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user1471556818 · 12/06/2024 22:20

No I would stick with current job tbh .1 day off during the week is a god send when you have very young kids .Also you are very well known face in current role that credit is not to be under estimated .
Good luck

LadyContrary · 12/06/2024 22:19

I wouldn’t. Flexibility is everything when you have young family. Also, as pp said, the move from nursery to school can be somewhat challenging. I’ve found that there’s an expectation of a lot more involvement from parents at school than there ever was at nursery. Sure, all of it is voluntary but do you want your kid to be the one who never has their parents at the school play, at their sports day or those “bring your parents to school” days?

I’m not saying it’s the right approach for everyone but I’ve just made peace with the fact that I won’t progress my career beyond a certain point as long as DS it at school and it’s fine. I’ve requalified after maternity though, so I didn’t have an established career in the current industry when DS was tiny.

CassandraWebb · 12/06/2024 22:13

spukalili · 12/06/2024 22:01

I think because it's a legal process, you might be right about it being from day one, but as it's now written into law, all requests have to be taken to panel within the organisation. I think I'd also worry about the message this would give (I don't think there's anything wrong with requesting flexible working, I've been very open about my circumstances, but obviously they're not going to like the fact that I'd be asking for every Friday off!).

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You can ask when the job is offered or even before going to interview if it's a deal breaker for you anyway. My last two jobs I accepted were both advertised as full time

first one I waited until I was offered it and then asked if they would agree to four days a week. They agreed on the spot.
second job, post pandemic, advertised as full time and I asked before interviewing whether I could work flexibly around school runs (I do the extra hours in the evening) and they confirmed that was pretty normal practice in their workplace and their was no issue.

Statutory rights kick in at certain dates etc but there is nothing to stop you asking before accepting a job if it's a key issue in your decision

HowDidJudithSurvive · 12/06/2024 22:12

I wouldn’t give up your Fridays. You never know what can happen in a year, your company might have an opening or something else might come up but based on what you have said it doesn’t seem a good move right now.

Ioverslept · 12/06/2024 22:10

spukalili · 12/06/2024 22:01

I think because it's a legal process, you might be right about it being from day one, but as it's now written into law, all requests have to be taken to panel within the organisation. I think I'd also worry about the message this would give (I don't think there's anything wrong with requesting flexible working, I've been very open about my circumstances, but obviously they're not going to like the fact that I'd be asking for every Friday off!).

Show quote history

What about a different day of the week? Anyway, I sense you are not too keen on this new role but understand you feel torn. Regarding childcare, I guess school holidays would be a challenge anyway, as they are for most working parents. I personally would probably stay put but would also probably always wonder if it was the right thing to do. What does your partner say? Whatever you decide, try to be happy with the decision and focus on the positives. Good luck!

dimsumfatsum · 12/06/2024 22:03

I wouldn't.

Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 22:03

Summerslimm · 12/06/2024 21:55

It can get harder when they move from nursery which was 8-6pm 5 days a week 52 weeks a year childcare option to school 9-3pm for 39wks a year. I was lucky I found an amazing childminder but it was still hard juggling the demands of those early school years and endless phonics homework plus extra costume days & fetes etc!

Would you suggest it might be easier to take on a less flexible role now, while they're in childcare, or that it's probably still going to be unfeasible until they're a bit older?

We are very lucky in that our local primary school offers breakfast club and afterschool club that they could both go to, but the holidays would definitely be a challenge!

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Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 22:01

Ioverslept · 12/06/2024 21:54

Why do you have to wait a year to request flexible working? Isn't there a new law saying you can apply from day 1 (even though they can refuse)?

I think because it's a legal process, you might be right about it being from day one, but as it's now written into law, all requests have to be taken to panel within the organisation. I think I'd also worry about the message this would give (I don't think there's anything wrong with requesting flexible working, I've been very open about my circumstances, but obviously they're not going to like the fact that I'd be asking for every Friday off!).

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Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 21:57

Summerslimm · 12/06/2024 21:52

Can your partner pick up the slack if the kids are sick? I had the flexible job because my industry suites that but my DH didn’t. The young kids had so so many endless colds and virus’s in those early years and days off nursery & reception I was very grateful for a flexible job. I took the promotion when they reached 7-8yrs as it got a lot easier. One parent really does need some flexi.

Thank you for your reply!

Unfortunately not - my partner works full-time, around an hours drive away. He manages rooms in a building which requires monitored access, so has to be there at a particular time (between 7.30am - 3pm) and would really struggle to take leave last minute or come home if one of the children was unwell. I imagine he could do if there was absolutely no other option, but at the moment it's much easier for me to do it.

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Summerslimm · 12/06/2024 21:55

It can get harder when they move from nursery which was 8-6pm 5 days a week 52 weeks a year childcare option to school 9-3pm for 39wks a year. I was lucky I found an amazing childminder but it was still hard juggling the demands of those early school years and endless phonics homework plus extra costume days & fetes etc!

Ioverslept · 12/06/2024 21:54

Why do you have to wait a year to request flexible working? Isn't there a new law saying you can apply from day 1 (even though they can refuse)?

Summerslimm · 12/06/2024 21:52

Can your partner pick up the slack if the kids are sick? I had the flexible job because my industry suites that but my DH didn’t. The young kids had so so many endless colds and virus’s in those early years and days off nursery & reception I was very grateful for a flexible job. I took the promotion when they reached 7-8yrs as it got a lot easier. One parent really does need some flexi.

Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 21:50

MuggleMe · 12/06/2024 21:29

I've just opted not to take a promotion. I'm currently working 30 hours a week and do all pick ups. My children are 10 and 7 but with additional needs. I was ready for the challenge but it was a FT+ role realistically and with a high level of scrutiny. Just not the right time.

We're in a similar position then - it sounds like it was the right decision for you to make, however frustrating it feels to have missed out on the opportunity.

My biggest worry is that something will change in my current role (perhaps an end to home working?) and I'll regret not making the leap - but if it isn't going to work for me right now, then I suppose there's no point in wasting the emotional energy thinking about it?

At least you know that you are good enough to go for that promotion when/if you feel the time is right!

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Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 21:48

cestlavielife · 12/06/2024 21:42

costing me around £400 a month

Is that coz it's 800 a month so 400 for you and 400 their dad?

Or should you be saying 200 each?

Childcare is joint cost not just the mother

Well technically, "us" I suppose, but I am the higher earner by a significant amount, so the majority of the additional childcare costs would theoretically fall on me.

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Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 21:46

Twintrouble1234 · 12/06/2024 21:37

I went back full time after having my dcs and within 6 months I was at breaking point and quit after a year. I took a part time job until they started school and have no regrets - it made for a better balance which it sounds like you have right now and is worth a lot with the children being so young still.

Thank you so much for sharing your experience - and I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

This is my fear. I'm generally quite good at knuckling down and getting through tough times but this was before having children. My youngest doesn't quite sleep through, so I'm still trying to find a balance with that, plus I'm still wrestling with the guilt of having to leave them both to go back to work anyway. I adore our Fridays together (however stressful they might be at times!) and I know I won't get this for long.

Getting to breaking point is exactly the kind of thing I worry would happen to me - it's hard trying to balance everything at the best of times, and I'll really have to prove myself in the new job, as it involves managing a team, so I can't appear unreliable. Unfortunately, having young children means you are likely to be called on occasionally to collect them/have childcare fail/numerous other things, so I think I'd just struggle with the pressure of it all, and feel horribly guilty when it inevitably happens.

Current employer are great - if I have an issue I just tell them I'm working from home and have a child with me (or can take leave), but will catch up on calls/meetings/etc when I'm back.

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cestlavielife · 12/06/2024 21:42

costing me around £400 a month

Is that coz it's 800 a month so 400 for you and 400 their dad?

Or should you be saying 200 each?

Childcare is joint cost not just the mother

Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 21:39

FleetwoodMacAttack · 12/06/2024 21:33

I’d keep the flexibility/part time. You will have goodwill at your current role and there’s not enough salary jump to justify a move.

They sound very inflexible - I’d be worried that in a year they’ll say no to a new request - I think you’re kidding yourself to think this is only a year to get through.

I have worked a mixture of part and full time - and full is tough so it needs to be really justified salary/lifestyle/careerwise. This doesn’t sound like it is at all.

Edited

Ahh sorry, I wasn't clear on the "tough year" part - I more meant that we'll be better off financially as my oldest will start school, so it will be financially difficult for the year until that kicks in (and my youngest gets 30 hours). Plus I'll have gone up an increment.

I appreciate there's no guarantee in the flexible working request being agreed and as you say, they don't seem that accommodating now, so I can't see it improving over time! My fear is that I'll take the role, complete the probationary period, apply for compressed hours and it get refused. I'll probably feel anxious about requesting it up until that point, and that doesn't really add to a healthy mindset over the long term.

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Twintrouble1234 · 12/06/2024 21:37

I went back full time after having my dcs and within 6 months I was at breaking point and quit after a year. I took a part time job until they started school and have no regrets - it made for a better balance which it sounds like you have right now and is worth a lot with the children being so young still.

Original poster

spukalili · 12/06/2024 21:35

TeaKitten · 12/06/2024 21:10

I think you’d be crazy to give up 4 days a week with 2 days working from home for the same
money while your kids are so small.

Thank you - I completely agree. I think if the money was there, I could try and justify it, but it seems a bit silly to give up the flexibility, time with the children and money, for what is essentially a more stressful job.

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FleetwoodMacAttack · 12/06/2024 21:33

I’d keep the flexibility/part time. You will have goodwill at your current role and there’s not enough salary jump to justify a move.

They sound very inflexible - I’d be worried that in a year they’ll say no to a new request - I think you’re kidding yourself to think this is only a year to get through.

I have worked a mixture of part and full time - and full is tough so it needs to be really justified salary/lifestyle/careerwise. This doesn’t sound like it is at all.