is this a bit rude? Or just me?

@gardenmusic
I have not been deliberately obtuse or goody. I am autistic and need direct communication.
I do not make any assumptions about why others would interpret it in the same way or not.

I do however find it interesting that other people are saying that they would not be so rude, yet are so quick to pass judgement and be rude about them in the same paragraph.

Yes I'd have probably said, No I'm heading home, or No I have plans.
If I'd been offered Tea I'd say No thank you I have plans/gotta go.

For all the people insisting “It was a question, not an invitation; therefore they responded correctly” - surely even if the exact words weren’t an invitation, the question implied that someone (in this case OP’s daughter) might have issued an invitation? Who just says “No” and nothing more? Surely you’d at least say “No, I have to get off. See you later!” or similar? It’s basic conversation!

'Are you staying for tea?'
'No.'
Rude. Unless they are actually unable to process what is an appropriate response.

'Communication is about a particular message being sent and received correctly. Lots of things can get in the way of that'.

And a reasonably polite adult will err on the side of politeness, consideration and kindness and say a little more than 'No'.

'... have just offered their viewpoints, as they are perfectly entitled to do. Their viewpoints are just as valid.

Yes, I have to give you that, people are totally entitled to be rude and ignorant, but with a valid viewpoint? No, a viewpoint that is deliberately obtuse, gaslighting and goady is not valid, and should bear no weight with the OP.
'No'.

I think there are a lot of people who ARE being judgemental and rude about others on this thread.

Communication is about a particular message being sent and received correctly. Lots of things can get in the way of that.

The people who have said they would not interpret the message in the way the OP has said it was intended have just offered their viewpoints, as they are perfectly entitled to do. Their viewpoints are just as valid.

I remain extremely grateful for having been given advice on what to say if I ever find myself in a similar situation as the teenagers in this post.

'Are you staying for tea? No
Do you want to stay for Tea? No thanks.'

'No'. Everyone whoever had a 4 year old has had this response. Usually followed by a tantrum. They are not 4 years old.
Mrs Carson - just out of interest, would you have responded in that way?
'Are you staying for tea?'
' No'.

If so, then you are lacking in your social graces.

Why are people still being deliberately obtuse?

If the friends thought the DD was the one who habitually cooked, then possibly a response of 'No' meaning 'No, DD is't cooking for us tonight, we're going home' would be understandable.

But at least one of the friends present has been cooked for many times by the OP. She is highly likely to know that the OP is the one who cooks, not the DD.
Plus the OP then said they were welcome to stay and eat. At which point, if they HAD made this innocent mistake, they could have said, 'Oh, I see, you're cooking. Sorry, ha ha, no, thank you but I'm going home for tea.'

But I think it's much more likely that they were just being rude and monosyllabic. Especially as this thread is full of people who seem to deliberately misunderstand interactions and/or not feel that a 'thank you' is necessary, and have presumably modelled and taught that to their kids too.

I think YABU
Are you staying for tea? No
Do you want to stay for Tea? No thanks.

You didn’t rudely assume.

To be fair to him, he was just asking where my house was. But obviously in the circumstances I thought he wanted to know so he could drop me there. I rudely assumed, he made it more awkward than it had to be.

@PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich he sounds charming!

'BardsAreAssholes · Yesterday 18:07

Your enquiry didn’t sound like an invitation, it sounded like a question. They weren’t planning on staying, so responded No.'

You don't get it, or you are pretending not to.
They were guests in the OP's house. A one word answer is not polite or sufficient.
I actually think all these gaslighting, goady replies are from one person with multiple accounts - because I cannot imagine any polite, considerate person excusing this.
You couldn't envisage one person, never mind the few that have made these stupid posts.

PhilosophicalCheeseSandwich - don't feel like an idiot - his was the fault for trying to score points off you - he could have simply said 'OK, that's great' whatever his intentions.

Yes, they might have felt presumptuous to say 'No thanks'. It didn't sound like an invitation.

I walked into that trap with someone who gave me a lift last week. He asked where our house was when we set off, I told him and added 'But don't worry, I can walk from yours, no need to go out of your way.' Response - 'I wasn't going to'. Yes I felt like a twat, he wasn't offering but I assumed he was.

That was what I thought!

Utterly ridiculous comment.

My five year old says "no thank you or yes please" (often is prompted but still says it) every single time I offer her anything from lunch to ketchup with her burger. She always thanks whoever cooked for her or whoever booked a day out or drove us. She does the same in restaurants, cafes and other people's houses.

I would hope by age 19 we won't need to prompt her and it's a reflex.

I can remember being that age myself. I wouldn't dream of not chatting to my friends' parent when I was sitting in their house.

They sound ridiculous. Be thankful they are not yours but impress on your DD this is not acceptable so she behaves better in their houses.

'a222 · Today 14:09
it’s a bit rude but it wouldn’t bother me to the point of making a thread on mumsnet, tbh'

I can see exactly where she is coming from - you question yourself when someone is rude or obnoxious - especially when they are in your home. It's a conversational slap in the face. You want to ask 'Is this where we are at?'

I’d find it rude and my 18 yr olds friends wouldn’t respond like that.

Bloody rude. It was a kind offer.

Even at much younger than them I was able to remember that my friend's houses were actually my friends' parents' houses and have some manners and actually engage in a small amount of conversation.

They sound badly brought up.

it’s a bit rude but it wouldn’t bother me to the point of making a thread on mumsnet, tbh

I completely agree.

it was immediately followed up by a clear invitation. “ok, well you're both very welcome to stay in you'd like to." The lazy shits couldn’t even be bothered to say anything to that. But they’ve still got people on here making excuses for them.

I guess some of the answers on this thread explain why so many seemingly nice children have no manners.

How hard is it to tag on a please or thank you? Or say sorry if you accidentally hurt/damage/otherwise do something you shouldn't have without realising?

On another thread people are saying just how disgusting and rude it is to touch up make up in a public place - but if you're offered to stay for dinner apparently saying "yes please" or "no thank you" isn't automatic?!

I might be a horrible cunt but at least I mind my Ps and Qs at all turns!

Also everyone responding has ZERO context of how OP's tone may have come off, usually when people poise a question like that its a passive aggressive way to say 'time for your friends to bugger off so I can eat in peace'.

If they had interpreted it that way the obvious reply would be something like 'Oh no thanks, we're just leaving'.

They seem terribly self absorbed. They’re sitting in the kitchen and their friends parent walks in from work…what do they think is happening at this point ? Probably the kettle going on and then at some point preparation for a meal. The very least they should be doing is answering questions politely even if they can’t muster the nouse to actually proffer a question themselves. If my DD behaved like that I’d be embarrassed

( If you are in any doubt “ are you staying for tea” is a question. For it to be a statement it would need to be “ you’re staying for tea”. )

Rude, rude, rude.

DDS uni friends would say “hey Terf, how you doing? Tea? Oh no thank you, that’s really kind but we’re all off to xxx soon”

On their way out, a hug and “lovely to see you again”.

Bollox to that.