Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

Your DH is an arsehole

@RosePetals86 maybe OP should ask DH when he expects the other children to leave. Many adult DC stay in the family home longer than they used to.

I don’t think it’s abnormal for parents to want adult children to start flying the nest especially once they reach adulthood and have a stable income. Would the response be the same if this was her dh bio son?

I think I’d ask him to aim to stand on his own two feet mid/late 20s. I’d also ask DH to make an effort with him, build a relationship and stop moaning, you come as a package and he will likely leave in a couple of years.

I think this probably hits the nail on the head.

I'm not sure. I think the OP has two children with her DH, but maybe I read that wrong, so there are three children in the picture, one of whom is now an adult. I don't think the OP's DH wanting the adult son to move out is a blatant rejection. Many 24-year-olds live away from their parents.

Also, this situation is slightly different: presumably, when OP married her DH, there wasn't really a step-child in the picture, but a 12-year-old who lived with a relation, and from the sound of it, treated that person as a parent.

The LTB brigade are out in force again, but would it really be in the best interests of the OP, her children with her DH, and even her adult DS, for that relationship to break down? Wouldn't that be putting the interests of one child ahead of the interests of her other two, and an adult child who will anyway be moving on of his own accord shortly?

I had a blended family. My late DH and I had good relationships with each others children, but wouldn't have wanted any of them living with us at the age of 24.

I could never ever say to mine, time to move out, Jesus, hard lot some of you, the cost of everything, mine left at 27 after saving like mad, next one is 21 and still at university, she will go when she’s ready and definitely not before

Hi OP, firstly, don't beat yourself up for past circumstances, you have done nothing wrong. I totally understand how you feel 'you have got your son back' and I think it is very unfair of your husband to tell you that he wants your son to move out. It is important that you discuss how you feel with your husband, otherwise there will be growing resentment and your son will pick up on it.
Your son may be 24 but past circumstances should make allowances for him living with you right now. Your son would feel very upset if you asked him to leave. TBH, it would likely damage your relationship. Please talk to your husband re this. Your husband married you knowing that you had a son. Your son is likely to be enjoying living with his brothers and catching up on being with you. Take care

I don't think I could stay married to someone who I felt didn't like my child, whatever there age.

Superb post

It's understandable to want to "make up" to the DS for what he lost as a youngster, but those days are gone and even leaving the DH's issues aside I'm not sure the current approach is the best way of helping DS in the long run

Better, surely, to accept he's a man now and build a lovely relationship on that basis - plenty of loving invitations to visit and so on?

Since he was 17. It's all in the first post.

This really isn't straightforward.

If my sums are right, your son is now the same age your H was when you married him. The age gap between your H and your son is smaller than the age gap between your son and the younger kids, so they are both under 8 and born since he has been living with you. Your H has never had the chance to just have his immediate family unit together, probably didn't anticipate a time that your son would live with you and not the relative who brought him up. But, he accepted him into your home and has kept it to himself that he wasn't happy, hasn't let on to your son how he felt. He is now communicating his need for change to you.

He will also see the contrast that by 24, he was married and living independently. But, your son is still living at home.

Yes, he is your son, and you spent a lot of years with him being brought up by someone else, so it is natural that you want him to stay. What is the likely consequence of you not trying to find a way for your son to move out? Will it break up your marriage, and you end up living with your younger two part time? Or will your husband accept the situation while quietly building resentment? Is there a way you can help him financially into a local flat share, so you can still see him regularly? And him come and stay regularly?

I was big enough to lay on my back to make him I was gonna do my job and raise him.

Can you not use misogynistic phrases like the above, please?

Would he kick his biological children out of the house at 24? If not, I'd be calling him out on treating your son differently. If he didn't want a step son he shouldn't have married you.

I think that since your son is paying his own way, your dh is out of order.

8 years.

Child over husband.

I can have an opinion like anyone else.
But op comes across as play mum when it suits her.
And her husband didn't sign up for it he new she had another child so yes he new what he was getting into.

It's none of your business why the op didn't bring her son up as a 16 year old mum.
You don't know if she even had a choice in this decision, it could well have been children's services decision if she was still at school, had no support or suitable accommodation.
I'm sure it was a difficult time for everyone involved and what was thought best for the child at the time.

You have no idea of the op's situation.
She did what she thought was best at the time and family members were there to support him.

Why is your oldest child more important than your younger two. If he is 24 and has a job he has the means to find somewhere to live.

I had my first son at 16 i raised him my self.
I was big enough to lay on my back to make him I was gonna do my job and raise him.
It wasn't his fault.
Rant over.
My children come B4 any man no matter how old they are.
Imagine being the child your mum gave to a relative then move back in with bio mum when in your teens and then find out step dad wants you out.
But his own kids are fine.
Talk about not being wanted.
Yes move on at 24 but it's like your son as been piller to post.
My mum was the same with my step dad I just felt so unwanted.
Years later her marriage failed and she wanted to be mum again I went no contact with her.
Cause me alot if trauma.

@fungipie
This scenario is different from most. He probably felt unwanted for the first 12 years. It if not unwanted, at least inconvenient. Now he gets to be made to feel inconvenient again.

In this specific case I would want him to be a big driver of the decision to move out.

Feeling pushed out could cement any trauma.

@Limesodaagain

She has 2 other younger children
And nothing suggests they are in any way disadvantaged by having their big brother living with them ..

No matter now old my DC are, they know they could always " come home" they own their own houses but if they ever needed to they are always welcome. Nobody comes before them. Your DH sounds awful. I'd make him leave not your son!

So 7 years - that is usually about the time things need to change and move along. At 24 your ds should be thinking about moving out and standing on his own two feet. Is your dh worried he will still be there when he is 30? Is there a plan on how to move forward?

All he is asking that he moves out, not disappear off the scene altogether.