Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

@lionkingess id be letting my son stay personally especially if he contributes

What are the irritations your DH raises?

I can understand that dh didn't sign up for this

did he know you had a son? If he did, he absolutely did sign up for this and is out of order

Is the issue around privacy? Is your older son hanging out in the lounge with you after younger ones go to bed? Of course he has every right to, it's his home too, but, as you say your older son is kind and responsible, I can't see what other issue it could be?
Does he go out lots with mates, or is he always 'around'? Does he want to move out but can't afford to, or doesn't want too?
I would never kick oldest son out. But equally if things become increasingly tense between DH and OP that's not good for anyone, especially the younger children.
So need to work together to see if any small changes can be made to make it work best as possible.

Most 24 year olds in my circle had indeed flown the nest by 24, so it's objectively true in my case. My DC and my siblings' and friends' DC went to uni and made a life in their university towns after graduation. I was married with a mortgage by 23 and no it wasn't the 70's.

I'd be concerned if I had adult DC still living at home, but lots of parents seem to enjoy the fact their DC can't live independently.

So? That’s what marriage is. It’s called a commitment for a reason. You don’t sign up for your spouse to be disabled in an accident, you don’t sign up for your kids to have additional needs, you don’t sign up for your spouse to get MS or dementia either. But you get on with it for the sake of your spouse.

It’s blindingly obvious why OP values her son living as part of her family, why her son dies too and why it could be very damaging to OP and her son to ask him to move out. I put this firmly in the category of one of those things you put up with for the sake of your spouse.

Yes- this is the way forward.

‘As a pp said, has he (DH) ever had just his own family in the house?’

His ‘own’ family.
Marry someone with a child, surely any decent person would consider that child as ‘their’ family.

Does your son understand he ought to move out at all?

Is he genuinely contributing his fair share to the household or is he contributing a token amount of cash/effort?

Whilst I agree that a child comes before a partner, its not that simple when there are two other children to consider. I also don't agree that 'coming first' equates to 'must live with Mummy'!

I think parenting should involve a degree of setting kids up to live independently, I don't think letting them believe they can remain in their parents home making (usually) a small token contribution is doing them any favours.

He may well say when they too become adults and start earning.. what then? I’m just saying I know plenty of parents with children in their mid 20s who would be gently suggesting said adult child starts thinking about their own future plans.. It’s not met with such revulsion from people. The minute a step parent starts asking reasonable things they become the world’s worst. Just an observation.

17 when he moved in that's 7 years. Can't you do maths?

This is it. Perfectly put.

Who didn't live with her. The situation has radically changed and whilst I understand the OP wants to keep her oldest at home, it's not the situation her DH had when they got together. I can understand why he's not thrilled. As a pp said, has he ever had just his own family in the house?

I think I would explain how YOU feel. That you have a great second chance with your son. That you understand DH feelings but that because you care about them you are feeling split in two, and that is not fair. You have been through enough in your life and your son being there is healing for you, too. That your ideal situation is DH being able to forge some kind of relationship with your DS or at least stop complaining about him. Ask him if there are any specifics about how he feels it is affecting him, and see if there is anything you can implement that would make him feel better I.e. date night or time alone for example.

And that you're happy to go to counselling to discuss it with him (DH). I don't think you bring DS into this at all.

I think consider your own feelings and what you really want. Then you have a rock to stand on and you can be considerate of DH feelings without feeling you're going to be persuaded out of what you want.

It is though. This man was a child whose mother chose not to raise him herself. There are clearly going to be very different feelings and dynamics for him ,if she tells him he needs to move out of her home to suit her and her ‘now’ family, than there would be for a child raised by his mother from birth.

Given that, I would not ask him to move out. I think it would potentially be very damaging to the relationship they have now established and which OP values.

You were young when you had your DS and maybe not in a position to keep him. He's forgiven you and given you a second chance. He sounds like a lovely lad. Don't let him down now. He might not give you a third chance. Tell your DH if he doesn't like it he's free to leave. Leave him in no doubt your DS is just as important to you as your younger son's.

My ds would come first before any man

My view may be controversial but I think if you marry someone with kids then the kids have to come first, and you as the partner are second. If I ever had cause to partner/marry someone again they'd need to agree to that, and I'd agree to the same for m partner's children too. I think your husband is very unreasonable and I'm sure your relationship with you son means a lot to you, especially after initial difficulties. I would tell my partner to leave and put my son first, even though he's 24 and adult. Horrible position for you to be in though OP.

well i have to admit, absolutely every single 24 year old i know, and i do know a lot as my children are in this age range and they have a big social circle, and they have ALL left home! you are correct its not 1974... its 2024! and i'm aware of the issues surrounding young people getting on the housing ladder..

i never said they had to leave the nest, i said they want too! but her DS is an adult male, there is no harm is asking what their plans are? then the OP and her DH can also have an adult conversation.

I know 'most' mums want their children to stay at home for a long as possible nowadays, the OP's son has been living with them for 12 years.. not a few weeks or months.. 12 years, thats a long time.

Fathers want to know when their children are moving out.. this man has been a father to this lad for 12 years, i don't think its unreasonable for her DH to wonder when or if he has plans? and i am sure that her DH will think exactly the same when his bio children reach a certain age too.

I think this is a slightly separate issue as your son was separated from you - there may be some trauma associated with that. Usually, children naturally detach them self from you. I think it is important to support child be independent but also recognise it not as easy in previous generations. It also depend where you live etc.

Unless you concealed the fact that you already had a son when you met your DH, he absolutely did sign up for this when he married you!

There are only 14 years between myself and my DSD. Her teenage years were challenging, but there has always been a good solid foundation in our relationship so we weathered through that. I've always tried to treat her like I would treat my own dds. Sometimes she felt more like a little sister, than a daughter, but I've always had a lot of love for her.

Your DH is being very unreasonable.

First of all, you did not let your son down.

You could not provide a decent life for him at 16 and so you did what was best for him and got a family member to raise him.

Secondly, your DH absolutely did sign up for this.

If you have a child whether they live with you FT, only have them EOW or fully adopted there will always be a part of your life and you don’t get into a relationship with someone who has a child lightly, for this reason.

If your son was stealing, being violent or rude etc then I would understand his POV but it just sounds like DH is jealous that he’s not the man of the house and feels threatened because he wants to be top dog.

Your son does not need to move out.
Many people his age still live at home.

Your DH needs to find a way to deal with his own issues.

Would the response be the same if this was her dh bio son?

I doubt it, @RosePetals86, but then any opportunity to man-bash tends to be enthusiastically seized on MN

Something which stood out for me is that at no point did OP say her DH wanted DS to leave again when he was younger; it all seems to have kicked in once he was grown and in a job, and up to a point that's fair enough - not least for his own sake independence-wise

As I suggested wanting to play mum again is understandable, but there are many ways of doing that and not all involve DS actually living with them

Very unfair and judgemental comment positivewings. OP has always loved her son and made a decision based on her love for him and available support at the time.

And?It's not them that have the problem, it's DH.

Presumably, DH knew OP had a 12-year-old DS when he married her.

This is 100% a DH problem.