Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

This.

I did think all the ‘he should be moving out and in his own place’, give him a date, must have no idea about the housing situation in this country.

@Imustgoforarun ,

OK.

Well, firstly, forget buying a house or renting an entire flat. Sharing a house with mates (or strangers) is how young people need to start.

Living at home isn’t for nothing, so OP can donate whatever it costs her for her son to live at home (say £200 a month). That leaves him £600 to find.

If a 24 year old has any kind of a reasonable job, he will be left with £1,500 at least. He can live on £900, especially in a shared house. There is only one of him.

And, hopefully, his salary will only go up over time.

I agree. Your husband saw a 17 year old as a grown man. Wait until his kids are that age and he will realise how young 17 actually is. My child would come first.

Exactly a year older than when op had him, potentially two after a pregnancy and probably still at school.

I can't believe so many people are saying the son should move out.

Move out to where?
If people mean he should rent, that will make the guys life very difficult to ever be a home owner.

Has he got money for a deposit?
Are they in an area where its feasible to buy on one wage?

I think what would make sense would be to encourage the lad to save in a lifetime ISA for a deposit. Because even in a relatively low cost area once people are renting its impossible to save for a deposit.

In the south east, rent for a room in a shared house is £800 month, rent for a one bed flat, £1,200 and cheapest house prices £200k. Please explain how a single man possible on a low wage can afford these prices. Most of my friends have adult children living with them until late 20s. It’s normal. Not right but normal. When the next govt start building council houses that may improve 😂

It’s a different one because he never lived with you before 17. Like others I wonder why once you’d got your feet on the ground didn’t get your son living with you.

There’s going to be lots of emotional reasons he likely stays with you now as well as possibly financially as housing is so expensive.

Your dh however new he was marrying a women with a older child… guess it was convenient for him he didn’t live with you and I ponder if his more of the reason you didn’t get your child back in your 20’s

Maybe it is a different demographic but none of my friend’s children in their mid twenties live at home-zero (except for short stays).

There is no way I would want to live with young adults when I am getting old (had my children fairly late), and I don’t think it is good for them either. I moved into a shared house with uni friends age 21, as soon as I got my first job. I will help my children financially if they need it, but I would expect them to be standing on their own two feet age 24.

Parents and children need to develop adult relationships when they are adults, not extend childhood in an unhealthy codependency for years on end.

I know the above view won’t be popular on this site.

I think times have changed as costs have risen. It was easier to move out when we were younger. Maybe your husband has forgotten how expensive it is to be independent? I understand where he is coming from saying your son should move out at 24 but if you feel he's not ready that should be the priority. My sister sets aside the rent from her son (if you're financially able to do this) for her son to use as a house deposit/rental deposit etc. Her son is unaware of this.

It's great he's contributing to the home. I think your husband needs to have more patience. At some point your son will want more independence. I remember moving out at 21 and loving having my own place with my friend. I'm sure he won't want to stay at home with you and his younger brothers forever.

If you don't already I would slowly get him to do everything for himself. Washing, cooking etc. help him be independent in readiness for when he moves. Your husband just may need to wait it out a bit until your son is ready. He sounds like he's been understanding so far. I'm sure he can wait longer and he needs to be kind and loving towards your son. Take care.

Your DS is your main priority imo.

Your DH sounds quite immature and lacks empathy and understanding.

In the whole scheme of things after what he has been through (no disrespect at all), what's a few more years, if that.

Another factor is, your DS sounds delightful, and fits in well with everyone, it's your selfish DH that doesn't.

Good luck 💐

Exactly what @FatmanandKnobbin said. If you ask him to
Move out you are going to do serious damage to him and your relationship.

Imagine as a kid being brought up by family members other than your mother. Your mother who then goes on to manage to bring up her next two kids..... then you move in with her to be then asked to go. No, just no.

I wouldn't be putting up with this. I would be telling my DH my son is here to stay and if he keeps going on about then he will be the one to leave.

OP you are lucky your son still wants a relationship with you, if you ask him to leave you are going to fuck that relationship right up .

These days it’s so much harder for young people to have their own home. Years ago you did leave home by your early 20s because you were able to buy a home. Now many 20 somethings are living at home because they just can’t afford to rent or buy and I suspect your son the same.

I think you have to have a serious conversation with your DH and explain your feelings. He knew you had a son when you met.. obviously, you want to support your son and make up for the lost time from the past. I think your DH needs to make a bit more effort to understand this.

I strongly disagree. I think a lot of young people, especially men, get very comfortable at home and it's not good for anyone. Someone in their mid twenties should be independent, or at least have a clear plan towards it. I think it's much better for them to be supporting them out the nest and to start their own lives no matter how daunting they find it.

I’m just going to say it. The majority of the people arguing the dh’s side in this seem actually unhinged, more than for any other thread I’ve seen. That in itself should give OP a pretty solid idea as to the right course of action.

just a quick reminder:

1. most young people do not move out by the age of 24, because we are living in the third decade of the 21st century, not the 8th decade of the 20th. There have been one or two changes in that time.

2. DH’s inexplicable and infantile jealousy towards his wife’s own son does not take precedence over her son’s need to make up for the 17 years during which he was excluded from the family.

Exactly

This

What specifically is the issue?

If he contributes financially and works full time, what’s he doing that’s causing the problem for your husband? If you can sit down and have a conversation, perhaps agree house rules (for everyone) you could move pass this.

Just a quick question, is your husband likely to ask his sons to move out when they’re 24 or is the rule just for your son?

Tbh nothing in your OP or following comments really indicates to me that your husband "doesn't like" your son. A lot of it is you interpreting his behaviour or comments, and although admittedly you know him better, it looks like you might confuse annoyance/irritation with dislike. A lot of people get tired of having young adults under their roof, whether they are blood related or not. And young adults can often be very irritating!
The fact that he would also like for his sons to live independently by that age reinforces that.

I don't think he is wrong, by 24 your son would be much better living on his own and it shouldn't prevent you from having a close relationship. But I can also see your point about the time you lost before and the bond you have now. Could you maybe start by having a conversation with both of them separately? Your son is probably has a plan to move out at some point, maybe start there and understand his intention and offer some help?

Your DH to grow up and get a grip….hes your son. He sounds lovely your DH doesn’t. I would make it clear that your son is going no where.

I feel sympathy for your DH. When he met you, you never had your son live with you and by the time that happened your DS was basically an adult. Hes now 24 and to be honest, should be moving on.

I have a step daughter who is lovely (as I’m sure your DS is) but if she was living with us for an extended period of time then I’d leave… it’s a lot to deal with having another unrelated adult on the house you didn’t raise.

DS is 24. Why is he not self-sufficient?

I agree. Your husband saw a 17 year old as a grown man. Wait until his kids are that age and he will realise how young 17 actually is. My child would come first.

Am leaning towards this op. Yes your children (not child as people keep saying. You have 3 children not one!) come first but surely that also means supporting their independence? Otherwise what's the end game? Live with you forever? Leave when he is 30? If he doesn't leave what happens if/when he finds a partner? Will they move in too? And just how big is your house? Does it allow some independence? I think there is a bit to unpack and discuss here. If you do decide that it's indeed in his interest to move out at some point soonish then help me plan that, May be save etc.
BTW is he dating at all? How do you guys deal with his friends coming over?
Am not saying he should go now or tomorrow but have a think about the long term implications on just on your dh but on your son and on his siblings.

Maybe because there another adult always about the house. I relax much better when none of the " kids" are at mine - and they are my kids. ( 2 eldest moved out youngest at uni)

Your husband did sign up for this because he knew you had a son before he married you.
Why can't he open up to your son?

Your DH did sign up to this because I assumed he knew you had a child when you met, or shortly after.

This is totally different, but my parents divorced when I was 7. My mum remarried and her husband was a great dad and then they had another child. He'd helped bring me up from being 7, but as I grew I felt things change. One night, when I was about 17, we had a massive argument and he screamed at my mum to throw me out. He'd become a cunt and I massively responded like a cunt (I don't think I'm totally innocent in this, challenging parents in the teen years etc). He screamed that my mum should throw me out. She walked down the stairs and said to him 'The only person leaving this house will be you, do not ever ask me to choose a child over you again'. I left when I was 19 and I started my own life. My stepdad and I eventually got on again.

I know this is totally different, but what I would say is talk to your DH and tell him why you don't want your DS out of your house, especially if he is being responsible and needs a little bit of support.

Hope it all works out.