Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

I see the biological father in this has got off scott free as usual.

I don’t think DH sounds a cunt (as some delightful posters have called him) far from it.

He took in OPs 17 year old son who was essentially a stranger to him, has had him stay for 8 years and understandably thinks it’s time for a 24 year old man to stand on his own two feet now.

OP I understand you feel guilty about the past but this dynamic doesn’t sound healthy or fair on DH if he’s feeling uncomfortable in his own home. It doesn’t mean you don’t have a relationship with DS, but a healthier adult to adult one where you should be encouraging him to become independent at this age.

I'm in a similar situation, although my DD is back at home after a LOT of years of bad choices. I also had her young and my parenting was loving but unskilled so she had a chaotic start that was reflected in her later life.

I'm past the point where I parent out of guilt so the enabling has stopped, and she has grown into a lovely woman. But that doesn't change the fact that there is now an extra adult in the house and DH is struggling with it.

My approach has been to ask DD for a timeline to 'launch.' It will be a while, two years or so, but having at least an approximate end date has gone a long way to addressing DHs unspoken concerns that this will last forever.

At 24 it's reasonable to ask your adult child for their own version of a similar timeline, while emphasising that there is no ill-will, just two adults chatting about independence and future plans.

I was your son in this situation although female and was born to a 16 year old mum who was still at school.
I was brought up by my much older married father though and his wife but saw my mum all the time, she took me out at weekends and I am really close to her.
I never harboured any bad feelings because I know it broke her when she got settled and wanted me back and my dad said no and I said I wanted to stay where I was because I was happy and settled.

We carried on as normal and when I was 16 I moved into my mums house to live with my siblings and mum for a while.
It gave us both closure and healed some of the pain from the past.
I never got on with my stepmum though I think I was always the child her husband had fathered from an affair with a young girl but she still brought me up.
I have nothing but good memories with my mum and I'm absolutely sure mum did the right thing because I was fine with my dad and never felt abandoned because I felt safe and had stability and wouldn't have been as happy if my mum had tried to bring me up while just a kid herself.

My eldest daughter is 24 soon and I'm ready for her to move out! It's hard living with another adult at times. I can see why your dh might find it hard.

I agree with this actually. Presumably the OP's DH was 29 when he had a 17 yo who he barely knew move in with him. Must have been hard to know what his role should be. I think most people would find that very difficult. I have no idea from the OP's posts whether her DH ever had any inkling that his technical stepchild would ever be part of his household, in his shoes I'd probably assume that by 17 the DS would be starting to spread his wings anyway.

but I think he's just never really taken to him, he's never treated him like our other boys and he's often annoyed by him.

But that's not surprising is it? You expected your 29 YO DH to become a father to a 17 YO. Your other children are far far younger so of course he'll treat them differently. He was independent and married at 24 so barring any ND issues , he probably wonders why your DS can't at least be showing a few signs of independence.

Living costs are very hard for young people these days so I have sympathy with the DS but our role as parents is to prepare our children for independence so I think all this talk of making allowances because of his earlier life is misguided, presumably he had a good childhood or the OP would have taken back custody as soon as she could. Helping him to function as an adult is the greatest support that the OP can give. My DD will always have a bed here if she NEEDS it but I expect her to aim for complete independence.

And in the course of this therapy, she can also puzzle over why her son has cut her off from all contact with him and any grandchildren she may have. After all, she did everything she could to make him feel included in the family over the first 24 years of his life, and definitely did not toss him out a second time to satisfy the insecurities of the man-child she married.

I imagine your husbands attitude, and that of some posters, would be very different it was a 24 year old daughter....

Classic alpha male, jealous of another adult male in the house.

Very unattractive and your DH needs to get over himself.

I agree with @AtlanticMum.
Tell him you've had enough of him moaning at you. I'd find his awful attitude really unattractive.
Mean sod.

It's bloody difficult for young adults to afford rents and forge their way in the world today.

24 is so young and young people need stable homes

Yet people asking why she didn't raise him at 16 as a school kid.

Ask your husband if he will be asking your two younger children to move out at 24?

I think it’s wonderful for you and your son to be together - especially after the (must have been) trauma of having him at 16 and he being brought up elsewhere - for both you and him. 24 is so young and young people need stable homes especially in current economic situations. Your husband is being an arse - actually - worse. A pathetic man. How can he not have empathy for this young man - your son - his children’s’ brother. I would advise having it out with him. Calling a halt to his complaints about your DS. Either he brings him fully into the family or he (DH) should think about going. DH is being cruel both to you and your DS. Best of luck to you. I take my hat off to anyone who has had a baby at 16.

Your 24 year old sounds lovely and it's great he wants to be at home with you. I don't think being independent necessarily means living alone. It sounds like you dh is threatened by your son and needs some (external?) support.

It’s perfectly reasonable to expect your adult children to move on to independence if that is financially feasible.

Your son works full time, and he’s hardly young. What’s your son’s plan long term? Is he saving for his own place? Or just plans to live with you forever?

It’s harder as a step parent than as a parent. With his children (I’m guessing your son doesn’t see your husband as a parent) your husband can speak with them directly - ask them their plans, joke about it as a way to bring it up etc - all normal things. But here he’s working through you, and it sounds like he’s making the effort to not make your son feel unwelcome. If you won’t have conversations about your son moving towards independence, and he doesn’t want to do that as the non-parent then nobody is.

I do understand it is complicated by your guilt over not being able to raise him when he was young, and fear over making him feel unwelcome especially given that it would not be unexpected for him to have concerns about being wanted given he was raised by family and things went rocky.

@Newbutoldfather of course in a normal healthy situation, with no SEN, traumas or health problems, we would all hope that our kids become independent probably in their early 20s. But it’s not black and white. Young people stay in the family home for a multitude of reasons. Cost of housing is probably the main reason. But this situation is different. This lad’s life was far from “normal”. We don’t know the details of why his mother chose not to live with him, but we know that at age 17 he was unhappy enough to want to leave the people who’d raised him. He wanted his Mum. This is a delicate situation where the normal rules don’t apply. It blows my mind that you can’t see that.

If this was to happen it wouldn’t be op breaking up the family, it would be her dh. Her family includes her oldest child and if he can’t accept that there is no way forward.

Multi generation living is going to become far more normal. My friend is 34 and lives with her parents, she can't afford to move out as a single person. I can only afford to because I have a council flat so my rent is reasonable. She could probably find a house share but why live with strangers when you can live with family, provided everyone is happy with the arrangement.

I had a son at 16 and raised him on my own, he’s 14 now.
my two brothers (32&24) live at home with my mum. They simply could not afford to not right now. There is no age restriction on needing your parents. I highly salute you for seeing your son’s worth in your life and you’ve rightly made a place for him. You’ve included him in your home like you do your other children. I think your husband is a bit of a selfish prick but that’s my opinion.

I see your DH's point but he married the mother of a child and should have expected the unexpected.

Your son may feel a need to be near you. Nothing wrong with that. It's really not on for your H to keep carping on at you. & where do you live that your son can set himself up in housing at 24?! It's £850pm for a Room, where I am in London. Or will your H expect your son to live very far away where its cheaper and he won't be able to visit often?

Your son is working and paying his way. It doesn't sound as if he's in the way and he doesn't require looking after, does he? If he sees being asked to leave now as double-rejection, how will you feel, and how will this impact relationship with your husband, going forwards?

I imagine the DCs you have with your H may still be at home aged 24. & That will set you thinking. Personally I'd rather lose the husband than my son but up to you of course. Once your son has gone the next thing will be your husband who sounds as cold as a dead carp, whinging about you visiting your son, how often/how long etc

Dont be stupid! OP has two other younger joint children with DH so you suggest breaking up a family?
Sometimes I wonder at the mentality of the posters on here. Think before you make off the cuff suggestions like that.

"Maybe it is a different demographic but none of my friend’s children in their mid twenties live at home-zero (except for short stays"

It would be interesting to know the average household income of whoever posted this - I imagine they are in a very affluent area and only have friends who are in the same income bracket - that post says to me "me and everyone I know is doing brilliantly, why didn't all these 24 year olds still at home work harder at school and get better jobs?"

Sorry but I find some posts to be almost painfully smug.

A lot of people seem to assume that it's affordable to move out; it may be for some - but it would be interesting to see data on what percent of 24 year olds are able to afford their own place without significant financial help from mum and dad. The cost of housing and the cost of living is way higher than the average income can support.

OP, this antipathy between a partner and the children of an earlier relationship is very very common so you are not alone.

I can imagine this is extremely painful for you and I wish you the best either way it.

All you can do is your best and all they can do is theirs. But maybe you might be honest with DH and be really clear what this means to you. To an extent the rejection of the child is felt by the mother as a rejection of herself - it's so painful.

Maybe it is a different demographic but none of my friend’s children in their mid twenties live at home-zero (except for short stays

I wouldn't know, my friends' kids are a bit younger - ie university age or younger than that, but I do have a friend who only recently moved out in her mid 30s and her two adult siblings still live at home! Clearly her parents make it too comfortable, or more likely, their offspring simply can't afford to move out.

Your son had a difficult beginning in his life, growing up away from his mother. It's understandable that you're happy for him to stay longer. You're making up for lost time and mending your relationship.

This isn't an ordinary 'failure to launch' situation. You need to explain this to your husband. He sounds very threatened by your relationship.

Is it worth trying to reduce your husband’s frustration? Find out what is happening that upsets him and stop it happening