Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

It’s not a choice between him and them though

Moving out is expensive so does he have the means to get somewhere decent to live? If yes then encourage absolutely but I think it would have to be a consistent approach to all 3 sons. So when the other two reach the same age, they’d need to start looking elsewhere also. DH surely wouldn’t have an issue with that seeing he’s so keen for his step-son to fly the nest!

@Valeriekat

Why are they different to my generation who moved out at 16 or 18? Humans haven't evolved that much in the last 40 years!

Largely because of the cost of private rent vs average income and the deposits required to buy a home.

It's incredibly hard (much more so than for previous generations) for young people to pay the unprecedented level of private rent while saving enough for a lump sum big enough to form a deposit, let alone during a cost of living crisis, massively increased energy bills and day to day things like food sky rocketing over the last few years. Surely you've noticed all that?

So many are, if allowed to, understandably staying in the family home into their adulthood so they can save as this would be virtually impossible to do while also paying market rent privately.

It’s a cost thing the rent on the house I first moved into at 17 was £420 for a whole 2 bed house with garage. That house is now over 1 grand a month. Wages haven’t risen to keep up with that.

Thats why more young people are staying home longer and frankly if you have the space and they are genuinely saving to say buy I don’t see why you wouldn’t let them stay.

Why are they different to my generation who moved out at 16 or 18?
Humans haven't evolved that much in the last 40 years!

But maybe they were both 15 at the time of conception, you're just assuming the dad was an older settled guy.

So?

Well no if the dad had him then that would be a reason thus, asking why didn’t mum have him once stable even 50/50.

Maybe she did have him 50/50 but his primary home was there or maybe she had weekends. She said she had regular contact so was part of his life.
This is 2024 it's not always the mother that gets automatic residence especially if they're still in school and another parent is in a better position to provide a home and financial stability.

Well no if the dad had him then that would be a reason thus, asking why didn’t mum have him once stable even 50/50.

But some posters went straight for the dad must be completely absent. We don’t know.

So you're basically saying never mind what the dad did/didn't do that's by the by and it only sparks outrage if the mum didn't step up as expected.

If as you say the dad may have raised him or if he'd been in a stable position, home, job etc when mum at school he may have been awarded custody so you then expect him to just give up custody of a child settled in his home because the mother has now settled?
Perhaps he didn't want to?
It was probably a custody battle and not always does it go in the woman's favour but the woman is left looking the bad guy because someone else gets to raise her son so she is seen to have failed.

Ditch the hubby and take care of the children, rents are phenomenal atm

Nobody here knows if the “dad” has gotten off the hook. He may of raised the boy, he may of just been just as active in the boys life as mum was. Maybe it was his parents that raised the lad or maybe it was hers.

The biggest thing here is why didn’t op have her son back as soon as she was a stable adult, considering at 17 he wanted and did move in, odds are he wanted to or would of way before.

Yet there’s op raising her second family as a nuclear family with a step dad to him only 12 years older than him, a sibling age gap in some families, but who’s also clearly not that accepting of him existing in his nest…

By all means op can just kick him out, be twice his been basically palmed off by his own mother though, that comes with issues. Maybe that’s why he moved in to start with to test her actual love for him. Yes his an adult but lot of 24 year old these days are still home after having never left, let alone one who only moved in with their parent for the first time at 17.

Your husband did sign up to it though. You had a child.
How can you find your husband attractive when he’s saying your son must move out.

I understand that your husband hasn't bonded with him and it feels awkward having him in his home.

Your son is old enough now to have his own place and perhaps because of the past you are understandably wanting to not let him go.

I think you should encourage your son to be independent for the sake of your marriage but also to benefit your son who should have his own place by now.

Excellent. None could put it better than this.

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

Yes but only the first kid according to MN. Even when they are a 24 year old man they must come first. Never mind the second two, in fact throw the DH out and break up the shiny new family because they are less important.

It’s not easy for OP to put her son “first” because by ditching DH she then has to split custody with her other 2 DC.

I don’t see why you, DH and your DS cannot sit together and talk about the future. It’s not about kicking him out tomorrow, but supporting DS in moving out within say a year or two.

To be honest I moved out at 24, some of my friends still live at home in their middle / late 20’s. It’s a lot harder to move out if you’re single, and rent / mortgage is so expensive these days.

1 billion percent this.

What an amazing story. And also full of hope. Thanks for telling it and so glad you have managed to heal from this situation growing up, it sounds so difficult... I know you said you didnt get on with your step mum, but I am also somewhat perplexed that she accepted an affair, and raised (did she - or was she indifferent -) you in her home. Without knowing anything else, that must have been also difficult from her side.

He's not going to kick him out but he's made his feeling crystal clear to me that it's time he moved out and he can't live with him

Bye bye husband then, enjoy your new living arrangements.

I think you should support your son especially at this important stage of his life, but of course perhaps discuss saving money for a deposit with him and let your partner know that there is a plan but he is also your son. Definitely don't ask him to leave. Your husband will have to work on his relationship with him as there doesn't seem to be any big issue caused by your son. Good luck!

At 24 your son should be looking to make a life for himself outside the family home. Yes he may need to stay a bit longer but he should be saving up and planning his future. When your other children get to that age they should also be looking to move out.

You say your husband does not say this to your son so he isnt being a dick about this, he is just sharing his belief with you that young adults should be seeking independence. He is not unkind to your son and he's lived with him for 7 years. You need to start considering your husband's needs and not letting guilt over not raising your child cloud your judgement.

Oh exactly and can you imagine the applaud he'd get if like op he was supporting his son now at 24 and had had regular contact throughout his childhood.
He'd be seen as a decent father.
How the expectations are different.

It’s possible he was the one the raised the boy. We don’t know. But yes, more than likely he’s not involved at all.

@lionkingess OP, firstly you have nothing but absolute sympathy from me. OP, listen to this comment and ponder on it.@CowTown . I am sure, along with other many helpful (and there are many) replies on this thread, CowTown's comment will at least help you to see where to start.

Personally, I was not going to post, but needed to highlight CowTown's comment in the see of our many comments.

I understand there may be many reasons why you are not being able to write more information or answer some very specific but useful questions, on this thread. However, I believe if you can write more about the dynamics and give more examples and answers, you may get better assistance from this thread.

Some Q pointers:

• In your shoes, I will seek professional help on how to navigate the 3 adult relationship you are in.
• While I understand the immense pressure you feel over DH's request; you need to 'see' what you can reasonably counter with; For example, if DS has no emotional needs and other needs that make him a different 24 yo except that he was raised by a relative and you didn't live with DS as soon as you were settled (others can attack this how they like, but this is key, more than that he was raised by someone else); I would consider asking DH if the financial contribution DS makes now, can be saved and given to him in a year or two to help Ds live independently. You have not said how much Ds contributes- this is relevant. a) You may find DH may insist the contribution MUST continue and then you can say, that is now making it impossible for Ds to move out.
• This was covered by others; however living/buying discussions with adult children from the age of 21 years ARE normal family conversations. OP may feel, understandably, she doesn't know what is normal for Ds at this stage and what is not; which is were professional help comes in. Or is Ds not planning to have gfs and his family in future? He needs to learn to start living independently; even whilst he is living at home, if that is what is easily accessible now. Again, this was covered by others: start doing his wash, some cooking, cleaning and generally just living independently. Then schedule Saturday or Sunday lunch or so every week as family time that he must always be present for. Whichever day works for you.
• Related to above point: your DH does need to be mature enough to 1) not put too much pressure on someone who had a child at 16 at the time you are also now caring for little kids- it is NOT ON; 2) DH needs to suck up Ds being present and DS's interference (as DH sees it) in his (DH) time with you as ALL adults married to someone with an adult child have to; 3)Both you and Dh (DH supporting you) need to 'late parent' Ds (as all parents with kids who may need extra care do- I have a DN who is slow, so she gets more assistance to be independent without pressure but family always clear she can stay forever- it is ranch so plenty of room and space for all to exist and she is helpful and her financial contribution not required- but she is working on her independence at her pace); so late parent Ds with normal convo about living independently, buying, sharing with others etc in a loving way JUSt as all parents have these loving convo ( and not threats by Dh or pushing HIS decision as a convo) and then evaluate. If I found my DS doesn't want to move, can't move, wants another 5 more years I WILL make it happen.

In case I was unclear, this is NOT your DH's decision to make ALONE. So I would ignore his requests; as long as you are working on this.💐