Dh doesn't like my son and wants him to leave

Be very careful OP, you have healed a rocky start (totally understandable of course you were so young and it sounds like you made great choices for your eldest) and it sounds like you and your ds have a lovely bond now. I wouldn’t shatter that. It might be helpful to help your day plan for his future but you might need to tell your husband to stay quiet for another year or two, especially if you live somewhere like London where it’s really hard for young people to move out

The son is not a random adult though...he's family.

You’re being sarcastic (I think), but that is actually a fairly likely event. If dh really didn’t take into account that possibility, it calls into question how seriously he thought about marriage itself before jumping into it.

There is no chance that I would entertain my husband's wishes to make my son leave home.
Even without your specific circumstances.
He has asked to move in with you so that he can experience family life with you. ThIs is not an unreasonable wish.
Those who are a talking about the impossibility of making time up, or of guilt, haven’t quite got it, in my view.
This is a great opportunity to cement him into the rest of the family.
He's working and gets on well with the younger ones, so it seems to be working.
The only fly in the ointment is your rather immature and selfish husband.
He needs to be told that when a woman has children, they always come first, no matter what age they are. (and to grow up)
Gaaah.

Call me old fashioned but my kids come first

Nothing old fashioned about that. My kids come first too.

True. I suspect many women who marry men with kids who don't live with them suddenly expect their stepchildren to move in as teens and stay for years

This. He did sign up for this if he knew you had a child.

I just wish posters would stop saying op abandoned her child. Or framing this as "well you made a mistake so.."
Op has a baby at 16. She gave that child the best possible start in the context by letting more mature and likely better resourced family members love and raise him. It does not diminish her love. Neither does it make her deserving of punishment or contempt.

Very unfair and unkind comment. OP had her son at 16 and wasn't in a position to undertake the responsibility of parenthood which is totally understandable. OP didn't abandon him and was fortunate that a relative supported her in raising her son and she kept in frequent contact. Lovely that OPs son chose to return to live with his mum, stepdad and siblings. Well done OP, your son clearly holds you in high regard and quite rightly so!

Your DH did 'sign up for this' unless you hid that you were a mother then he signed up for a woman with an older child and everyt6that this comes with. Your son loves you and wants to spend time with you and thats special.

Sorry, I think at 24 your DS should be getting his own place and moving out!

Your DH has put up with another man in the house for seven years or so. This isn't about him "taking to him". This is about someone who has a job and still lives with their Mum. I know people do but your DH may find it hard to relax and feel it's not his home.

Ours moved out recently and a level of stress we didn't know was there disappeared. About meals and TV etc.

Men can be territorial with their eldest sons. Like stags locking horns. It maybe nothing to do with biology.
your son may feel that he has missed out with you and that makes him want to stay for longer. Your DH is the elder and he should draw upon his wisdom and support you in this. Whatever you do, tread carefully. There is a hornet’s nest of emotions at work here. Good luck 🍀

It's not a matter of what he would "be expected" to do when they are old and in need of care. He is a person with agency, not a tool to be taken down off the shelf whenever it's convenient for his mother and put away whenever he irritates her husband (let's not even call him a stepdad).

If she casts him aside a second time, something tells me they're going to have to look to a nursing home for whatever care and support they may need in their old age.

This is reasonable. However my concern is that DS is probably more aware than OP realizes of what exactly DH thinks of him. Unless DS is unusually oblivious, I doubt DH is putting on a perfect front with DS, but then constantly whining behind closed doors -- not to mention the possibility that DS might have simply overheard these conversations anyway.

So he'll know that this push out the door isn't coming primarily from a place of concern for his wellbeing and a desire to help him "spread his wings," but rather from his own mother's need to appease her husband's petty jealousy.

Why does your husband not want your son in the house? Your son works and contributes financially to house expenses. Does he help out with daily chores, with his siblings etc.? If so, surely there should be no problem. An honest discussion is needed, where your husband needs to act maturely and voice his opinions, rather than moaning in private. You could also speak to your son about his future plans by being supportive, rather than hinting he needs to leave. Also, what happens if in the future/old age, either of you need care and support. Would your son not be expected to pitch in then?

Valeriekat it’s very different now. You are maybe my age/generation. (54) opportunities were great in the U.K. in the 80’s and 90’s. I don’t want to make political statements on MN. But young people are struggling. And if OP’s DH -as a young Dad with children - is failing to see that - then OP has a problem. DH might be old fashioned. He might be a replacement to the Wicked Step-Mum - the Wicked Step Dad. He might be a bully. He may have confidence issues. They ( DS and DH) maybe don’t like eachother. We don’t know. But I do think that the ‘24 now -tossing out on the street - we’ll look after ours- fend for self’ attitude is horrible from a father of anyone and is not coming from a good place. Especially when OP had to fuse (Sorry OP) growing up with a Baby elsewhere- early motherhood and getting on with life. Why shouldn’t she have her son back. And why would the person who presumably loves her most - her husband - not want that for her.

Hmm interesting. So at 25, young women more likely to leave home than young men? OK I don't know if that difference is statistically significant but it looks like something else rather than cost of living is going on here. Reminds me of one of the pp who said young men are not moving from parents house as much and its harming them. Not saying that poster was correct but the difference between the sizes has intrigued me.
Doesn't mean ds has to be chucked out but I still stand by my post that there needs to be a discussion, a plan or the beginning of one and all cards on the table as to what the end game is. Even if the plan is that he moves out when he is 40 at least that will help all locate themselves in this and perhaps put in the cogs to make that happen. And if the decision is that he will never leave the home again plans can be made and everyone is clear (and dh can leave if he so decides).

Your DH sounds jealous to me too. Its very hard for young people now and they need all the help that they can get, to save for a deposit etc
Tell your DH that your DS will leave when he's ready or is your DH giving him enough to put a deposit on a flat. Is your DH earning enough to get a flat and pay all the bills?

@beckybarefoot

well i have to admit, absolutely every single 24 year old i know, and i do know a lot as my children are in this age range and they have a big social circle, and they have ALL left home! you are correct its not 1974... its 2024! and i'm aware of the issues surrounding young people getting on the housing ladder.

I was surprised anyone said that none of the 24 year olds they know are living with their parents so I had a quick google and it looks like your experience (while obviously valid!) is pretty unusual.

www.statista.com/statistics/285330/young-adults-living-with-parents-uk-by-age-and-gender/#:~:text=In%20the%20same%20year%2C%2047,just%20five%20percent%20for%20females.

In the same year, 47 percent of males and 29 percent of females who were 25 lived with their parents, while for those aged 30, the percentage was 16 percent for males and just five percent for females.

I’m a granny … with a bit of experience. PLEASE let your son stay until he’s in a position or ready to move out. He needs his mum - he cant properly say it in so many words but at last he has his mum back. Big guy but still a little boy. You won’t regret it.

You can't be that much of an ostrich?

I'm the opposite - don't know any other than ones that stayed in houseshares in university cities. Moving out is an impossibility for a lot of people depending on the geography.

(And minor point, it hasn't been 12 years)

But did he actually sign up for this? Presumably when he met the OP, her DS had a different legal guardian responsible for him and there was no suggestion that he would move in. This isn't like when parents have shared children and visitation agreements. If that were the case I would probably have advised 24 YO DH to run for the hills.

Your husband did sign up for this though. He knew you had a son, even if it’s inconvenient for him.
Yes, he is 24 and you’d hope he’d be spreading his wings …but pushing him out …that’d be a no, if it were me.
Would he happily throw his own biological children out because they reached 24???

DH did sign up to this unless you didn’t tell him you had a DS until after you were married?