AIBU OR DO I OR DH DO TOO MUCH AT HOME?

If it works for you both it sounds fine. I guess the fact that you have time to visit family and friends and go out for lunch suggests you have quite a bit of leisure time but you're obviously still looking after your baby then. I can also imagine that your DH sees the farm as more of a pleasure than a chore.

You both do invaluable roles that allow the other to do their role.

You likely both work equally as hard.
You do most likely get more free time or more relaxed time, especially with both your children being in school/nursery some of the time.

I’m quite traditional tbh so I would expect you to do the majority of the work at home especially as you have all the kids in childcare for some of the time. That’s not popular on MN. But I see your ‘job’ as keeping the house and sorting the kids and your DH does bedtime and so that sounds fair to me. Are you happy though? Or would you like to work? If you’re happy then that’s all the matters.

I'm not sure I understand.

Do you think DH does too little at home?

I think you both do a lot.
I would prioritise getting tasks done during the day so that you actually have the evenings to yourself after 8.30pm.

I do think your life (unless you baby is particularly clingy or a very poor sleeper) sounds fairly relaxed compared to DH. I wouldn't call you spoilt as it's hard work looking after a baby.

Helping out family or vanity project? If the farm cant pay him, or employ someone properly then it's likely not viable.

If he's not online to inherit it then I'd be leaving the work to those that are. Is the 'grandfather' using the potential to inherit as a carrot? It's very much akin to the care you are giving to the inlaw. DH doing all the work for free and then some cousin who has done diddly squat gets it in the will? If he wants to farm, rent some land, raise some livestock independently.

It all sounds enmeshed.

Frankly if you and DH are okay with how things are divided it's frankly none of your extended family's business. Maybe say something like 'well, it works for us'.

@AGodawfulsmallaffair

I think they both do a lot, it works for them and they aren’t in competition.

It's his Grandfather's farm. Many farms are family businesses so he is helping out.

Her dh does a damn sight more.

when on earth would you expect him to do it, when YOU are home most of the time?

it's the very least you can do. It's supposed to be team work. You don't sound very grateful.

same "hobby" as you caring for elderly relatives?

It sounds fine to me. I’d be tired if I were the Dh but if I complained about that I’d expect my Dh to point out 2 hours a day on a farm to help my grandpa is a fuckload and that he doesn’t get 2 hours a day hobby time so if something has to be cut back that is first in the line.

@irishchick93 youve seriously misdescribed this.

You are a full time parent to a preschooler who’s only in nursery 2 mornings a week, as well as having another older child. The time you get “off” is those 2 mornings (do you really sit around at your leisure during this time?) and the half hour your DH does bedtime (do you also sit around watching tv during this time, I doubt it).

Your husband has a full time job and chooses spend 2 hours most evenings on his hobby (eg gym, cycling, allotment).

Would he even be able to do a full time job if you weren’t at home the rest of the time looking after his children?

So no I don’t think this is inequitable. You need to take his farming totally out of the equation

No you aren't spoilt.

2 under 5 will be time consuming even if they are nursery/school.

By the time you've done the drop offs it will be time to pickup from nursery and then you barely get turned round and it's time for school pick up. It must feel like you are in perpetual motion .

And caring for In-law. Plus family admin.

I'd be pretty resentful about the unpaid 'farming'. He's absenting himself from family life for what? Most hobbies don't take 2hrs every night.

Can you do the washing in the day? You’d have more evening time with your husband then.

I wouldn’t worry for the moment, you’ll have loads of time to go out to work when the youngest starts school.

If you’re happy and you can afford it and you’re pension provisions are sorted, then I’d enjoy the break if that suits you?

The farming sounds like work, albeit unpaid, same as you caring for an elderly in-law is work.

Are you and your husband happy? What other people think isn't really relevant.

If it works for you both, there's nothing wrong.

then have from around 8.30ish to myself but also dishwasher uniforms etc.
your child finishes school at 2pm, don't push it, you don't need to wait the evening to put a load of laundry on.

You are lucky, you really don't "do much". You should recognise that at least.

YABU to call farming a "hobby".

You might not be spoilt, but you sound very ungrateful. Your DH does A LOT.

If you on mat leave from work everyone would expect your husband to still help out. Your baby is only 9 months. You send them for nursery for 6 hours a week but use similar time to care for other relatives. Sounds like you do a lot to me

It’s not really anyone’s business but you and your DH’s how you organise your household. Are you both in agreement that this works?

But beyond that: your life doesn’t sound very fulfilling. Childcare, chores, cleaning, elderly care. It’s not exactly the stuff of life. The change of scenery and money and outside engagement with others offered by a part time job might give you more independence and balance.