AIBU OR DO I OR DH DO TOO MUCH AT HOME?

God people on MN really tend to be awful to women about how much they should be getting done. I'm on mat leave with a 10mo and it's hard work. When he's awake it's more or less 100% running round after the little whirlwind. Don't know how I'd manage another small child and no help with housework. Don't get me wrong, I'm doing the majority of it but my husband still does bedtime and then we both blitz any remaining house chores before downtime.

Maybe I'm just missing the trick where you manage to cook 3 meals a day, feed them to children, feed yourself too, clean up kids and kitchen which is not a minor feat with a weaning baby. Make up bottles, wash them up, do laundry, hang it out, ring the doctors, be on hold to the bank about something, do the supermarket shop, Google whether something your child is doing is a symptom of something scary, send baby photos to in laws in a foreign country and make polite conversation with them (a chore for me but I feel bad they're so far away and get nothing from DH), clean the house, tidy up from kids over and over. Etc etc. and that's without relatives to care for.

Maybe I just make too much work out of things. Notably, allowing the baby to walk round causing chaos, saving too much for nap time because it's too hard to do when he's awake, using reusable nappies and having no tumble drier, making all meals from scratch, baby led weaning and all the mess that makes, and allowing baby to get mucky outside. And we have had more admin stuff than usual recently.

It sounds to me you're in a similar position. Pretty busy but a nice life mainly. Husband is lucky to have a meal on the table, and gets to go and spend nice time with his kids while you wash up from dinner etc. I'm not sure why you've had so much advice to do the dishwasher in the daytime. Firstly my 10mo climbs into the dishwasher if I open it and had a screaming meltdown if I close it so he can't, but more importantly it's quite hard to wash up from dinner before dinner has been cooked and eaten.

I'm rambling because I'm tired...it's 1am and I'm up with baby. Which is why I couldn't be a SAHM (well not til I can afford a cleaner and a bit of childcare whilst not working haha)- everything falls your way and I hate the lack of control. Yes DH works hard but he can say I'm going to do X and then do it. Children and housework laugh in the face of plans. And it's so bloody endless, no clocking off at all and everything gets undone so quick.

So it’s a luxury you had but you just want the op to know it’s a luxury?? I know plenty of women who got more help than that from their mums. For most of them I say good luck to them (not the ones who took the absolute piss with everyone to be fair) she’s happy, he’s happy, he can cut down on the farming with grandpa if they aren’t happy. If I had a grandchild with young dc I would absolutely not fucking let them work with me for 2 hours of the day after work- I’d tell them children are precious, you can’t give them back and you owe them your best time in these young years, go give them a bath and a cuddle and change their nappy and tell them a story, make them feel happy and loved.

I also think you're not doing a lot.

Not sure what the point of your post is? If you're all happy with it, crack on.

I wouldn’t be happy about the farming and I come from a farming background. It seems your DH is avoiding being home. When do you have time together?

He's a very hard worker. 6 days a week physical labour - work then farming is a LOT. I'd be worrying about his health long term.

If he's happy and you're happy, I really wouldn't worry about what anyone else thinks!

I think for someone not working your doing very little tbh. My day starts at 6:30 am I look full-time after my disabled grandad who lives with us plus 3 toddlers and teens. All the house work and washing is done by lunchtime and ye just the general caring chores the rest of the day. Hubby leaves house 4:30am and gets back around 3pm and even tho I don't fully expect it will dive in with kids or making tea for 5 or helping with grandad. But I try to do the bulk before he gets home as I feel he works extremely hard for us as a family

Looking after kids that age is as hard as going to work depending on what someone's job is

To be fair I think having a 9 month old baby in nursery for two mornings a week when you are a SAHM is a luxury. I'm not criticising because when when mine were 9 months and 4 I had an au-pair.

I also agree that the time is limited when it's all drop offs and pick-ups and there are no chunks of time to get stuff done.

At that stage DH left the house at about 6.45 and got home at 9ish (sometimes away). He did stories on Saturdays. Football on Saturday afternoons. He gave me a lie in on Saturdays, I gave him one on Sundays.

Whilst I appreciate it's full on, it was a time when my time was devoted to family and the DC and I did a lot of coffee, lunches, etc., and during the seven years I was a SAHM, my time was my own more than at any stage of life. I appreciated I was very very privileged.

The au-pair went when dd was 10 months. I always had a cleaner.

It was a fabulous time. They are 29 and 26 now. One is married and has left home, one has half left home. I work full-time and wish I had that level of me time again. DH is still a workaholic! Still leaves everything to me. Still not home yet tonight.

He works long days, you take care of everything at home including care for his elderly relatives. Seems very fair and balanced to me. Anyone complaining is probably just bitter that they didn't have the opportunity to do it.
I don't see putting the kids to bed after work as a chore. I work and it's a pleasure to have that time with them after not seeing them most of the day.
6 hours isn't a lot in nursery either, especially with no family support. A lot of children would spend that time or longer with a grandparent and no one would bat an eyelid about that.

If that's your attitude in general, I understand why people reply that you are spoiled.

I said earlier that as long as you are both happy, your organisation is perfectly fine. But you have a child going to school every day, another one 2 mornings a week. Your husband working after work is not more a "hobby" than you helping the elderly relative.

Who are you calling a "perfect mum"? The ones who have to work full time, and are not miffed because their In-laws don't provide free childcare?

I can’t quite work out what the problem is - who exactly is complaining and about what exactly??

when my 3 (had 3 within 4 years so all quite close together) were small we split stuff as below

DH worked full time shifts so a mix of 12 days or nights. Obviously when he did nights he would need to sleep in the day.
I worked several evenings a week. If DH was on a shift then FIL would come over to babysit the kids.

I did the majority of the house work, laundry, shopping, cooking etc as I was the one at home in the day. DH would help with cleaning up, dishes, housework when he was home. We would split bathtime so one person did baths and the other cleaned up the kitchen after tea.

Now the kids are teenagers and all in secondary school, DH has a 9-5 job and worlds from home most of the time whereas I work 9-5 in the office, DH does more daily housework which as sweeping floors, dusting, dishes, bins etc. cooking is split between us and the 3 teens etc.

so over the years the load has varied depending on each of our other obligations. When the kids leave home it will proabbaly change again.

Are you and your husband happy with the set up?
Genuinely happy. As in had a very honest conversation and agreed it's what you both want?

If you are both happy with it then there's no problem. If it's working for the two of you then how other people view it is irrelevant and not worth space in your brain.

If it works for the both of you it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks OP. Ignore them whoever they are.

Yes the second part here is important - if they're saying that because your DH does bedtime then I'd argue against it pretty strongly. Your DC get loads of time with you, they need time with him too, and he probably wants time with them even though bedtime can be difficult.

Did you have the post recently about putting the baby in nursery? The consensus on that thread was that you were working, even if it wasn't paid, and even if that wasn't you it applies here too.

You're both working long days (and you're probably still up overnight). You're probably both tired. I don't envy either of you tbh, and I work FT with two young DC.

As the DC grow you will have more downtime if you stay a SAHP, so I do think that as that happens you should be taking on the bulk of the housework etc. But it's hard to get anything done during the day when they're so small.

If you're both happy then I think this set up is probably working well, so I would take no notice of anyone else.

It sounds like you have it easy but there’s nothing wrong with easy if you’re happy.

I also don’t think that DH working and then coming home to put his own children to bed who he hasn’t seen all day is particularly doing a lot either. That’s just parenting.

You seem to have quite an easy life.

You said in your OP that you provide regular care for your elderly MIL: realistically how do you expect somebody who needs care and support for their own day to day living to babysit for a young child and a baby? Besides which, you’re a SAHM who uses childcare several days a week. It wouldn’t occur to me to offer babysitting to somebody who had chosen for their full-time “job” to be staying at home with their children and who also had regular childcare.

If your DH is unhappy with how much work his family ask him to do for their farm then he needs to address that with them.

I'm actually a bit confused here.

You look after the children all day, except for 6hrs a week while caring for elderly relatives
DH does bedtime while you do final clear up

So you both ate working long days

How are you doing nothing?

No need to shout

Whoever is saying that to you is jealous and you shouldn’t pay attention to them. At all. Let it wash over you and don’t engage as their jealousy is not your issue.