Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

Hi OP just wanted to say you seem like a great person. I love your idea of Edinburgh, I really want to go now.
I have worked for many years with teenagers who display the behaviour your niece does. There are always reasons for it. She and your sister I would hazard a guess need professional help from a therapist who doesn't just say it's normal.
It might all be about her dad it might not, I am so impressed that you aren't walking away. Obviously your niece will have to decide to engage with that help, it must be aawful for her to be stuck in such a negative place, not to mention the effect her behaviour is having on her family.
I hope all the thought you are putting into this helps your niece and your sister.

Ive two teen girls and there is no way I would allow this behaviour. Did she apologise for throwing the Christmas present back at you?

If your sister deals with this on a daily basis & thinks its part of raising a teen I think she is making life very hard for herself and everyone else who has to deal with her daughter.

She needs to let ger know its not on and treating peoke like this has consequences.

What is the point in having your DN if she doesnt want to do anything you’ve planned for her and is rude and ungrateful. Tell your sis youve reached your limit and it wont be happening.

You sound like a lovely caring aunt but dont let your sis and niece treat you like a doormat.

No one gets to do and say whatever they like because they're sad.

The appalling behaviour towards the OP started long before she found out about her mother’s cancer diagnosis. Both the visit last summer and the incident at Christmas were before that- her behaviour last summer was so bad she upset her own best friend, not just the OP!

It could be that this behaviour was solely a mixture of normal teenage behaviour and her upset over her dad leaving. It could also be that she’s just grown up to be a not very nice person. There are threads on here every day about unpleasant people- I’m sure the majority of them were unpleasant teenagers as well. The OP is best placed to make the call about which one it’s likely to be and decide how she wants to respond to it. If she’s not comfortable having her to stay then she shouldn’t do though, regardless of why the niece is acting as she is.

It's plain that although you don't like her right now, you love her very much. And for your sister's sake of course you are going to take her for a week. Finding things to do that you both enjoy is not rewarding her, it's making it bearable for you. And maybe you should make sure that she understands that. That the week with you is to give her mum a break, because her past behaviour would normally mean that you wouldn't have invited her. So she needs to do her part to make it work.
I would definitely not be spending a fortune on gifts for her until she is through this, whatever it is. She needs to know that you have her back, that she can talk to you, but you are no longer just going to accept being her verbal punchbag. It's that old thing of separating the person from the behaviour.
Can you meet her beforehand for a heart to heart, work out between you what you'd both like from the week, and plan it together. Also for you to set your expectations. She's not too old to have consequences imposed for her poor behaviour. Whether that's cutting a trip short or packing her back off home, whatever you think is reasonable in the circumstances.
Best of luck to all three of you x

Yeah, hug her and say you understand she threw your gift back in your face, is generally ungrateful, hasn't apologised for being rude or even tried to talk to you since.

That makes sense.

She's not a child and this is delusional.

I actually think the whole situation is really sad….
OP has had a wonderful relationship with DN until this year…. I sounds like she is really angry about something and OP has become her whipping boy…
I wonder what’s happened…
I wonder if it’s her father in any way?
I don’t think her mum is the issue. She sounds like she’s tried her best but DN is angry and a teenager.
Personally, I would reach out to DN one more time. I would email or txt her so you have a record… tell her that August is approaching and normally you would be looking forward to spending time together. But last year made you feel very sad and incredibly hurt. You did everything to make her and her friend welcome and enjoy their stay but she really wasn’t very nice. You don’t understand why she is lashing out at you, and would be very happy to sit down and talk about it. You hate seeing her like this as you’ve always been so very close. If she would like to come and stay in august she would be very welcome, but she would have to come alone this year.
That keeps the door open without rewarding her bad behaviour.

Sure, teens are about pushing the boundaries but an important life lesson is that you can break them to the point there's no going back. Tell your sister she isn't going back to your house until you receive a sincere apology for her behaviour towards you.

The behaviour isn’t acceptable and isn’t that she is a teenager. I’m interested to know what has happened since? Has she apologised and tried to make amends? Have you seen them since?

I really don’t think you are equipped to manage an angry pointedly misbehaving teen in the middle of Edinburgh festival or indeed where there are clubs and pubs for her to run amok through. It sounds like a really silly plan.

Why don’t you change the whole set up now dd is older? Do NOT offer to be responsible for two teenage girls in a large city because it doesn’t sound like you could keep them safe. Start to rebuild by hoping to visit and see how things go.

This child has more or less been abandoned by her father, she is now possibly thinking her mother won't be around much longer and people are questioning her behaviour 🤦‍♀️
She deserves all the love & support she can get until she gets through this phase. A gentle hug OP along with letting her know it's understandable she is angry and upset but you'll always be there for her when needed.

That most certainly is not normal teen behaviour.
It is absolutely appalling.
She ruined Christmas day.
That is not normal.
I wouldn't dream of having her friend again.
It was uncomfortable for her and you.
I would consider the Edinburgh option only because of your sisters diagnosis.
If your sister is unwell and is continuing to have to deal with that sort of behaviour then that is shocking.
You sound like a very generous aunt but the truth is some nice children morph into deeply unpleasant unlikely teens.
Some emerge from it, some don't.
You are not a emotional punching bag for your niece.
As for gifts, I would be spending a £5 on her going forward and I would be frugal in Edinburgh.
She has endured hardship from her fathers behaviour but her ongoing abuse of those around her being tolerated does her no favours in the long run.

You are going to cave and have her. So do it. It's entirely your choice. I wouldn't but then I wouldn't have followed up with texting her either after she was so rude to you. You might think your sister is a great parent and fortunately you come from a family where slapping isn't part of behaviour management. What is part of behaviour management in your family exactly? Whatever it is clearly isn't working!

This is beyond normal teenage moodiness and both your sister and you (especially you) are utterly daft for putting up with it. I'd take a deep look at why you are letting her treat you like shit, put her being your niece to one side and would you really let anyone else treat you this way. I really think it is beyond damaging to think that it's ok for someone to treat you like shit just because they have a lot going on. There should be no excuses for that type of behaviour.

Why have you quoted me?

Yes, but I do also know women that (verbally) treat their husbands or partners like absolute shit because they were allowed to do it as teenagers and taught that everyone who loves you will do so unconditionally.

Just wanted to say that my dd has all those qualities, and is still neurodovergent. Indeed, her worst behaviour is reserved for those she feels safe around, too. She masks the rest of the time.

I don't actually think your niece is ND. I think she and your sister have had a lot to deal with, which is taking its toll. You sound like an amazing aunt/ sister, you've been so protective of them both on this thread. They're fortunate to have you in their corner. I'm sure you will make the right decision and I hope that things improve for you all.

She may need some support from a professional to get to the bottom of things but her behaviour is unacceptable

Yes, and both things can be addressed at the same time, it's not either/or as some people seem to be suggesting. You can support someone to get the help they need and also put in healthy boundaries at the same time. If it were me, I'd be talking to her and seeing if I could find out what was behind the behaviour in a supportive manner BUT, equally, I would make it very clear that I wouldnt be hosting someone who was consistently rude to me either. Why should I put up with that in my own home? I think it sets a very dangerous precedent to accept poor behaviour on the basis of someone being upset because where do you draw the line with that?

This girl's in turmoil. She's navigating adolescence which has hit her badly - the change in attitude, behaviour and personality looks extreme, but hormones can be hell. Happens to us all - but she's suffering a multi-whammy at this vulnerable time.

She is old enough to know exactly what her father did, which will mean she's coping with rage and disgust against him.

She'll also be coping with sadness for her mother, whose reaction to the affair and its consequence she'll have had to cope with alone.

Then being abandoned by her dad was another blow that will stay with her all her life.

And now she'll be terrified that her mother having cancer could mean she loses her, too.

The poor kid, it's not punishments or criticism or sanctions she needs, it's professional help. Which you can't give.

And a holiday will be like sticking a bandaid on a broken leg, wondering why it doesn't mend and blaming the leg.

Stop throwing money at your niece. It will not help and you'll be eaten up with more resentment as someone who isn't used to traumatised adolescents and isn't qualified to help.

And the same goes for your grieving and frightened sister, whose own rage against him and fear of her cancer are being hurled at you.

That's a massive burden for you to try to carry.

Three people aren't behaving like adults, and only one has the reasonable excuse that she isn't one.

What kind of therapy are they both having?

Once your sister steps up and addresses her daughter behaviour then you can provide support for them both by hosting her but you are not an unpaid hotel/carer/therapist/emotional punch bag. Stand up for yourself.

That's not normal teen behaviour. She's either a spoilt entitled girl or there are some issues there that need addressing. Anxiety, depression from the divorce etc

She may need some support from a professional to get to the bottom of things but her behaviour is unacceptable.

I am so sorry to hear that. I have seen you on these boards for years.

It's a tough old journey but with love and care they come out at the other end eventually. Hopefully she is getting the support she needs clinically and that someone is looking after you too.

Be kind to yourself; there will be a myriad of reasons and likely she's done so well for so long because she's been loved and parented well.

My mum had cancer when I was a young teen and I didnt tell people their presents were shit. Yes, she may be upset about stuff but that is not a reason to treat people like something off the bottom of her shoe is it?

She needs to know that there are consequences for behaving like that, if she doesn't learn this then I'm afraid life will be extremely hard for her later on as future employers or partners simply wont put up with this nonsense and then she'll be shocked when she cant get exactly what she wants.

Noone is doing her any favours by simply ignoring this- this isnt "love", its setting her up for massive failure later on in life.

Yes, give your niece a year off but extend the invitation to the friend of your niece, via her parents.

Invite your niece again next year, if she has apologised.
Teens do improve a LOT from age 16 to 17, from my experience.

It’s not your job to provide breaks. It’s misguided to reward DNs poor behaviour by continuing with the London treat, this is exactly why your sister is in this position in the first place. No one is following through with consequences. You will be helping your sister and niece in the long run by being firm.

The amount of crap people have cooked up in their minds to excuse this absolutely shit behaviour is frankly, appalling. She doesn't deserve a fun and expensive trip to her aunt's this year after what she's done, that's all there is to it. What sort of message does it send to let her have it anyway?