Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

You are obviously a very kind and generous auntie (incredibly generous), but I don't know if the trip to Edinburgh is a good idea.

1. Does she even want to stay with you? Her behaviour at Christmas and no contact since suggests not, it's your sister who wants it.

2.She's 16 now, if she decides to take off in Edinburgh and go to bars, go clubbing, be out of contact etc, there will be little you can do and imagine the stress for you and DS.

1. Whilst you sound like a very understanding and forgiving person, the way she behaved towards you was appalling really, and she will have only learned that it's fine to be abusive towards people that love her. Not great. It she was genuinely sorry then out of love I would forgive her, but I am not sure that she is?

I know what happened with her useless father was awful, but still her behaviour was extreme. I have 2 DNs who, as it turned out, had similar /even worse things to deal with as kids (I was unaware at the time, they are now young adults). I give them a lot of support and we are quite close. They would never have DREAMT of speaking to an aunt/uncle/grandparent in that way.

You say how she is doing well at school and popular etc. So she does know how to behave well but for some reason thinks she can take it out on you. Sounds like the angry feeling towards her dad is diverted on to you somehow? Maybe offer to pay for therapy for her instead of paying out hundreds on a trip to Edinburgh which she may not even want and which could go very wrong.

Whilst this wouldn’t be choice I would make - you do you.

My only concern is that it’s not very fair to knowingly take a stroppy poorly behaved teenager and inflict them on your friend. I hope you have been open and honest with your friend about the recent behaviour and your plan to manage your DN if she is equally rude during her stay at your friends.

I see 1% has voted YABU. I guess that's your sister, Op.

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual.

She's not completely wrong, dealing with difficult behaviour is part of dealing with teens. The difference is that you don't have a teen, she does, so you are in no way obligated to deal with her.

And also, this isn't average teen behaviour. That level of hostility and ingratitude is quite extreme. If her Mum has a habit of shielding her from consequences, that might well explain why she thinks her behaviour is acceptable.

Fucking hell, people on here are mean.
OP - you are doing the right thing. Your DN has been abandoned by her dad and her mum is battling cancer, it's not uncommon for people to react by pushing those close to them away. Especially a child whose brain is still developing and who feels thing much more strongly than an adult.
Yes, she needs be told her behaviour is not acceptable and there have to be consequences. But she's family, don't give up on her now.

I think anything that communicates that you still love her whilst also holding a boundary on behaviour is a good move, OP. I hope she takes you up on it, and also that things go well for your sister.

I have a niece who became obnoxious. Sadly she remained that way. The last straw was when we gave her - at her request - a significant contribution to her honeymoon fund as a wedding gift. We didn't get so much as a thank you and, unsurprisingly, no invitation to the wedding either.

Have you never been caught between a rock and a hard place, or struggled to make a decision? OP is clearly trying to give her sick sister a break but is also frustrated by her DN, 2 things can be true at once. Theres nothing wrong with her sharing her thoughts and considerations on her own thread.

Neither choice (taking in DN, or not taking in DN) is ideal as they both have consequences. OP can of course choose not to do it, but sometimes you choose to do for family. That’s life.

Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

I've contacted my DS to say I'm not sure I want to continue the tradition. My DS says she has to face this kind of behaviour every day and it's just part of dealing with teens. She's actually accused me of being unreasonable for not carrying on as usual. AIBU?

The few days DN spends with me gives my DS a bit of a break, so I do understand why she is reluctant for me to say enough is enough.

I was thinking of Portobello.

Make it make sense.

This is NOT part of dealing with teens. So rude. Don’t tolerate it or her. She needs to learn some manners and to apologise. Her mother has created a monster by tolerating this behaviour.

My children have also lost someone who was very dear to them and they are young adults dealing with bereavement. All I would say is communication is key here. Talk to them about everything no matter how insignificant because that is what will keep your teens on the straight & narrow. You do not want them acting out or being targeted because they are going through a difficult situation that they can’t come & tell you about. If you know your children will pick up the phone to tell you about something that they have found funny/upsetting you are winning. Make sure you repeat, repeat, repeat that they can come and talk to you about anything. No judgement from you. That open line of communication will alert you to red flags regarding the children. There will be no guess work for you as you will be able to sit them down to get them to tell you what is wrong. My youngest actually turned round to her Dad & said that if he asked her why she was quiet and was something wrong she would be able to say nothing & that she didn’t want to talk resulting in her Dad leaving her be whereas if she said that to me she knew I wouldn’t drop it and she would have to tell me. For her Mummy doesn’t take no for an answer and Mummy is always able to tell when I am upset. The end result has been her Dad having to work on getting her to open up with him. He says himself that he shouldn’t have left it all to me and will work harder on getting both of the kids to come and talk to him. The kids understand that men & women see the same issue very differently. Their Dad looks to just solve the problem and that’s it move on forget about it whereas I want to understand everything, how did they get to that point, who said what & why, what could have been said and done differently. We don’t get a manual when we have children and we learn as our children grow up. There is no right or wrong way but if we keep communication as being key then everything else in this puzzle will just slot into place. Good luck 👍🏼

When I was 5 or 6 my dad came home from a work trip. He brought me a beautiful jumper. Really lovely, very sensible gift. He got my baby sister a plastic toy worth about 50p, because just a baby. I threw the jumper across the room! In my eyes, the jumper wasn't a present, it was just a jumper.
I guess 15 year olds feel like 5 year olds inside sometimes.

I have very frequently hosted younger relations (nieces/cousins' children) and given them holidays where I live. I expect and get exemplary behaviour. If I didn't they wouldn't be asked back - indeed, the boyfriend of one young relative behaved very rudely and hasn't been reinvited. You owe it to yourself and to young people to expect high standards of behaviour.

Like my own Sister has, a teenage daughter with a vile, nasty attitude and the belief that she can actually get away with being like that with no consequences, your sister has justified the lack of parenting with the "it's normal teenage behaviour" card.

It's bull.

I have three teens (one now adult). Never, EVER have they been allowed to speak and act like that. Never would they want to. Even in the worst PMS grump they still had to act civil.

My DN came to my house with that attitude and you'd better believe that I did not hold back. Only took a few days and she was acting pretty decently. The second her mum arrived to pick her up however, the disgusting attitude returned.
And my sister let her do it.

She's not saying no. She's taking her on holiday, and we're all mean and negative.

Absolutely no way! Her behaviour is atrocious I'm shocked. She needs to learn it's not on. Please don't take her that's not on. And what you spend on her is so so generous. Stay firm and say no

I’d definitely give her another opportunity but if she behaved as appallingly again as before I’d be giving her some home truths. She’s not a baby and I’d hazard she would respect you more for it if you did.

How defensive you have been of your spoilt N and her behaviour tells me, you will carry on to be treated like that OP. Good luck, nothing is going to change until you change anything. She may have trauma from her father but that doesn't warrants her to behave like shit.