Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

I'm raising 2 teens, both past age of 16, neither of them has ever come close to acting this way towards me or anyone else. This is not normal.

They'll have bad days or moments where they lose their cool, but they are never deliberately hurtful or spiteful towards another person. And they always apologise once they've calmed down.

Time for this young lady to learn that behaviour has consequences, no more special treats from her favourite aunt until she can be courteous and treat you properly x

Wow! We’ve all been teenagers & I wouldn’t have dared to behave like that with any of my family. Your DN needs to understand that her behaviour is NOT acceptable & if you host again you’ll be advocating it. Save your money & time and treat yourself!!

I would see how this next visit goes and if the behaviour hasn’t improved, I would be looking at her going to a specialist.

our niece was much the same (dotting parents) and at nearly 30 now has undergone many assessments and treatments. I won’t go too much into detail as it’s extreme and upsetting, but Mum is her official guardian, niece is unable to access medication or prescriptions on her own.

try not to be alone with her too. In our case Niece has made some terrible allegations against her much loved granny, former BF’s and girls at school/s she went to.

Hopefully this is just an extreme example, but thus my suggestion if she hasn’t tried to be nicer and respectful to you, she needs professional help.

You can’t longer term blame it on cancer, divorce, teenage years etc. At some point you have to be strong and draw a line and if she isn’t coping with those very things, then a good specialist will suss that all out.

You sound like an amazing auntie @valsays. I feel very sorry for DN who probably does know about her mum’s diagnosis, and had a shit dad. I wish that I had had a caring relative like you. I think spending time with her alone is great. Going to Edinburgh sounds amazing. I think if she is rude you can nip it in the bud if her friend isn’t there. She absolutely does need to be made accountable for what she says and how she says it. She’s old enough to be told that people will only tolerate being hurt by their loved ones so many times and that this kind of behaviour will eventually push people who love her away. Also, while you can understand why she’s acting out, it’s unacceptable.

Edinburgh's nice, but don't be surprised when she throws your generosity back in your face. Again.

So what happened Christmas? Did she keep the £300 present or did you return it & get a refund?!
If your sis needs a break… could she come and stay at yours and have a break in London for a few days… and you stay at her house and literally just babysit DN?
As mean as it sounds I wouldn’t want to spend any money or too much effort … the money would be better spent sending your SIS for a spa day(s) while you just babysit….
OR could she not stay with the friends family for a few days?? The friend gets a few days being spoilt with you.. surely her parent(s) could help your sis out a few days/nights?? Maybe freeing you up to have a spa with your sis

I'd be pointing out that: a) you're still waiting on the apology for her rudeness at Christmas and b) she clearly didn't enjoy the visit last year as she complained and was rude during her visit.

If her Mother wishes to fund such a trip, I'm sure she can without your involvement.

It's something you can perhaps consider doing again when she is mature enough to be a gracious guest. (And possibly tell DSis that). Hopefully she'll grow up a bit in the next year and you can consider it again next year.

The fact your sister has CHOSEN to tolerate this behaviour does not mean you have to and if you don't want her to stay then you can choose not to. One of my granddaughters went through a phase of being an out and out brat with attitude and ungratefulness to her parents and I told her she cannot stay at my house util she fixed up, and would let my other grandchildren stay (six of them) whilst she stayed home. She is soon 18 and has slowly started to mend her way but there's no way I'd tolerate that behaviour and told my daughter the reason why.

Absolutely this. Behaviour has to have consequences and the consequence of her being absolutely awful to you is a free trip. You’re an absolute walkover I’m afraid, no wonder she’s taking you for a ride.

NO. NO. NO. NO. NO.

I hope it goes well OP. I still think organising it all for her makes it far too easy for her to turn her nose up and reject it just like she did the Christmas present. You'd get a tonne more buy-in and give her a lot less ammo by involving her at the planning stage.

But they can grow up a lot even in 6 months.

I'd love to know what the £300 boring practical gift was.

Only read OPs posts so apologies if this has already been said, but I wonder if as well as the fear of rejection is she jealous, resentful and pushing you away because you can afford a lifestyle that her mum can't. Then conflicted because she loves you!

You sound like an amazing aunt; generous and thoughtful. DN sounds awful. Trying to give her benefit of doubt is she lashing out to test your love or perhaps she is jealous of your life in London?
Either way it sounds like another stay with you this year would be equally bad. No way should you have to put up with her entitled, vile behaviour again.
For context my DS takes DD(14) for lunch once or twice a year (she lives very far away) and me and DD are happy with that!

You are a lovely aunt. I hope she accepts the invite to Edinburgh.
People really underestimate the problems that family breakups cause children and young people.
Enjoy Edinburgh

Hopefully she'll have grown up a bit in the last 6 months and she will start to appreciate you soon OP. You sound lovely. I used to live in Leith, the Shore is well worth a visit. Mimi's is a great cafe / bakehouse, really good afternoon tea if you fancy that

What you do is put on your big girl pants, get them nice and comfy, go to your sister and - like a real grown up - say to her what you’ve said here. It’s not that difficult.

Dear OP,
Your sister and your niece are so lucky to have you in their lives! If we just think about your sister she really needs to have a break with everything that's going on in her life right now. So regardless of how the niece behaves it would mean a lot to your DS to get a week "off". Is there not any affordable summer camps in her area? If you decide to host your niece then take her and only her so you dont need to tend to another teen's needs as well. See it as respite care to help your DS rather than concentrating on your niece "having a good time" with costly activities that she might not appreciate.
Good idea to spend time with your social worker friend. In my experience teens do tend to moderate their behaviour when there is an "outsider" so I would hope she would behave herself better than with only family.
You seem like a lovely person and if you hang in there Im sure your niece will grow up into a lovely young woman.

I suspect she might refuse to come but asking is still a gesture that shows you haven’t abandoned her.

You aren't being unreasonable whatsoever. She is being a brat. However, many teenagers are, without properly realising it. They strongly believe in things, without proper real-life experiences and/or the ability to process them. She sounds angry. Hormones are insane at this time, which mixed with immaturity (I was a mature teen, but was only alive a certain, relatively small, amount of time, so was immature, I can see that now) is a bit of a dangerous cocktail. You've been wonderful. And you're being asked of a lot. Please don't give up on her though, whatever you do. Maybe it's best her friend doesn't actually come this time, it might create a time for ye to bond again? And possibly limit it to 2/3 nights instead of the usual, in case she is torture!!

There have to be consequences for your DN, she cant get sway with just a talking too which she then turns into a row.

I think its puberty and will right itself ina few years, so yes say no until she matures.

It sounds like your sister is enabling her daughter’s bad behaviour. I’d turn around and let her know that she isn’t welcome this year due to her behaviour last year and at Christmas, but that if she learns to be respectful and appreciative she will be welcome in the years to come.

All behaviour has consequences, it’s time she actually received some.

Your niece is vile - no one regardless of whether they are a tween/teen/young adult should never speak to you like that. Your sister has failed to manage her behaviour - unless she had other mental health issues or trauma going on that’s just unacceptable to speak to you like that and absolutely not normal!

@valsays I haven’t read the whole thread so forgive me if this is redundant but two approaches that came to mind are ‘The Explosive Child’ by Ross Greene (based on collaborative problem solving) and non violent resistance (NVR) which can be a really good approach for teens with intense externalising behaviours. Just in case you wanted to have some help in mentalizing what is happening for her and for you in your responses. She sounds insufferable at the moment but if you had a good relationship with her until pre teen she’s likely not too far removed from that version of herself. Your sister and niece are lucky to have you.

You don’t have to put up with this behaviour. Your sister has normalised it in her household but you don’t have to put up with it.

Do not invite her. Her behaviour is ridiculous, unacceptable. You won’t be helping her by having her back. Cheeky little shit! How dare she. She needs to be taught behaviour has consequences. If that’s how your sister responds to the situation, it’s no surprise her daughter has not been taught manners.