Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

Absolutely not.
Your DN needs to grow up and accept there are consequences for her actions.
I wonder if your sister has nowhere else to send her if she behaves like that!

Teens can be dicks (just had a row with my 15yo pillock who had a strop cos I got the wrong blind for his room I've had a nightmare redecorating) but this seems more than that. More like she's subconsciously punishing you. Presumably she knows about your sister's cancer? Being Stage 1 doesn't really mean anything to her, it's just really scary - it's cancer, it's scary, we are told all the time about how scary it is. If my mum was diagnosed with stage 1 cancer I'd be scared & unsettled & I'm 45.

That said! How you kept your shit together when she threw your present at you is beyond me, that was incredibly nasty but again sounds like it might be a cry for help aimed very specifically at you.

Your idea of going somewhere else instead of the time at yours might be a good idea. Maybe a camping/walking trip somewhere stunning & peaceful? And tell her why - she doesn't seem OK & this is a wellbeing holiday vs the normal hectic frivolous one

No way should you be hosting this horrible little madam ever again and I sincerely hope you took the 300 quid present back and got a refund. Or gave it someone who would appreciate it

Wow absolute no way I’d be having the little madam, and can’t believe your sister expects you to. She faces it daily, well it’s a monster she’s created. I’ve got 2 teens and they wouldn’t dare speak to an adult like that

I’m sorry that your DS has her cancer diagnosis but that is absolutely no excuse for the behaviour of your DN. Personally I wouldn’t even consider her coming to stay or taking her anywhere until she has the grace to apologise and even then I would think really hard. You can’t reward bad behaviour, no matter what the underlying cause might be - there have to be consequences, if there aren’t you are giving her the message that it’s ok to be rude, badly behaved, be a brat and she can treat everyone like a doormat.

Your DSIS is part of the problem and sounds to me that the best thing you can do is say ‘no’ to DN staying! If ‘no’ is an unfamiliar word to DN then she’s about to receive a hard lesson in how her deeply unpleasant behaviour is going to make her world very small.

Not all teens are like this - mine isn’t, but then I have always had boundaries and expectations - I would never tolerate such rudeness and disrespect (and my DC are very aware of this!)

@oakleaffy assume that’s directed to me - I never said ND is an excuse for bad behaviour, in fact I’m NC with an abusive asshat of a sibling and am very hot on manners and respect with my own DC.

Just pointing out that the behaviour has some flags that bear investigation.

This 100%!!!

Have you actually challenged your niece about her behaviour? I would have done that during the last visit and sent her home if it didn’t improve. As for the present scenario- I am speechless, I’m a teacher and have rather DCs of my own so I do know how teens roll.

Fuck no. I'm sorry but absolutely no way would I have her. Yeah its crap when parents leave (happened to me, and domestic violence between them and a nasty, nasty divorce) but that is not an excuse to be such a vile, rude brat of a person. She is old enough to know right from wrong and if someone doesn't put their foot down with her (harder) then she is never going to get any better and will end up a very lonely person.

Being ND is NOT an excuse for shitty behaviour.
It's not a green card that absolves all things as some like to think it is.

I think if it's somewhere else, as in a hotel, it will be pretty unpleasant unless DN has her own room to strop off to, which in August is going to be expensive!

If you have her to stay again, she will learn that she can treat you as badly as she wants with no consequences. And worse, she will grow up and treat anyone she wants as badly as she wants.

I would say that you cannot have her to stay, you are sorry.

And nobody should be needing a break from a 16yo. A 16yo is old enough to be a very big help, not a hinderance.

@valsays That is a monstrously bratty behaviour. No WAY would I be having her to stay.
That is absolutely not standard behaviour for teens.

Ghastly girl who needs to be taught some basic manners.

Op clearly wants to help her DN, comment after comment saying don't host the "spoiled brat" isn't really constructive.
Op I think your idea of going somewhere else is a good idea, not sure about staying with your friend though, might make it more stressful for you and your DN. Is there anywhere else you could both go alone together?
She might be able to open up to you if you have time alone.

@valsays not to pooh pooh you, but I was all those things, and was still ND (high masking and still am - you wouldn’t know unless you lived with me). If you look up the ‘coke bottle effect’ or ‘fine in school’ does either of those sound familiar?

It’s the strength of the tantrums which is making me question it more than anything - were they present when she was younger or is this a new since her dad left thing?

Absolutely "hell no" to taking her again!

"Sorry sis, but after last summer, when she was rude, argumentative and disrespectful, and the whole ho-hah at Christmas, I'm not willing to have her this year.
I can understand that you (and maybe her as well) will be disappointed, but it costs me a lot of money (which I haven't begrudged previously), and I can think of better uses for my time and money than being yelled at by DN.
I think there has to be some consequences for her behaviour towards me, and those consequences are "no trip". Maybe we can try again in another year or two."

Your sisters sanctions clearly aren't working are they? Your "D" N is rude, ungrateful and obnoxious. There is no way in hell that I'd be entertaining her, or buying her gifts again until her attitude alters!
I'd suggest that you spend that 1K on a nice relaxing break away for yourself and state quite clearly you are not available!

Yes they turn into little shits mid teens.
No you shouldn't have her to stay.
If her parents can't set expectations of good behaviour then you at least should trust your gut , respect your self worth and say not over your dead body will she be permitted to stay until she has shown respectful adult behaviour.
I would definitely call off summer 2024.
See how it pans out Christmas 2024 and reconsider in January. If no change then no summer freebie holiday.
These teens expect the privileges of an adult lifestyle eg clubs pubs money without the adult maturity or manners or responsibilities.
Just no no no. It will do DN a favour in the long run if someone calls her out on herself. Shock horror all round but you don't reward bad behaviour.
Tough if DS is desperate for a break. She's partly responsible not calling this for what it is and in so deep with this unreasonable shitty behaviour she can't see the wood for the trees.
(Talking from experience. ) Good luck.

Nope.

It's a natural consequence, treat people badly and they won't want to spend time with you.

I was a very challenging teen to the point that my mum sent me to live with my aunt and uncle for a period of time as she couldn't cope with me. However I never in a million years would have behaved like this towards anyone. Let alone family.

Wow. Your "D"S needs to get this sorted ASAP.

And no, of course you're not going to host the ungrateful, entitled little shit again.

What an interesting thread. I was fully signed up as one of the 99% saying don't host but having read your subsequent posts, OP, and others I can see both sides.

I think @Gladespade 's advice is wise.

I do similar trips with my own teen. It's different when they're your own of course, and maybe I'm misinterpreting, but my first thought is maybe it's time to move to planning the weekend more collaboratively with her, if you don't already. Start by asking her if she wants to come. Send her links to (low key) options, maybe make the visit shorter than usual. If you have planned it all it's SO easy for her to turn her nose up. Try to plan it together and if she doesn't want to come without there being clubbing, or won't even look at options that's fine - you'd miss her but you'd respect her choice. (I think also at nearly 16 it should genuinely be her choice and your sister needs to deal with it if she says no). Tell her finances are tighter so it'll be on more of a budget, so it's not personal.

It's a hard role to be the adult who doesn't give up on her, and I have huge respect for you for even opening up the discussion. It's irritating when something that starts as a favour becomes an obligation or even taken for granted. I think it would be ok to raise that gently with your sister. She should be more aware of how lucky she is to have you. But it is hard for people to remember that when they are firefighting.

DN opened her present, pulled a face and then threw it at me and said 'You're as shit at buying presents as everything else' and walked out and slammed the door on us.

WHAT. THE. ACTUAL. FUCK.

And your DS says to get on with it because it's part of dealing with a teenager?! Um, no. It is not.

I am rarely lost for words but wow....

Does she want to visit you? If so talk to her directly and be very clear that as much as you love her, boundaries are important and you won't tolerate being spoken to like that. Then invite her for a night or two but be clear that if her behaviour is poor she won't be invited back. If she accepts that I'd then spoil her as usual and try and have a lovely time. If it goes well then make plans for another visit. If she is a nightmare don't have her again until she has matured a bit more.
If she doesn't want to visit to see you i definitely wouldn't bother. I wouldn't be having any friends with her either.
If she has an issue with any of this then explain actions have consequences and she needs to consider your feelings.
I feel for her though- she sounds like she is in a tough place.