Really dislike 16-year-old niece: don't want to have her to stay

Hi @valsays how did your summer with your niece turn out to be? Hope your sister is doing well.

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable, you do not have to put up with such rude and bratty behaviour. It's time to give the summer visits a rest.

However in a couple of years your niece will have outgrown this phase and good relations will be restored.

No , she has to go and realise what has become of herself. Carrying on will just give her the green light. Dig your heels in. You have been nore than fair. You deserve your space . Good luck.

Apalling behaviour and even worse you haven't had an apology.
I have a 14yr old DD who can be cheeky and push boundaries but I can guarantee she wouldn't act like this.
Puberty can be frustrating for teens but not severe enough to be this ungrateful and shockingly rude.
Could she have MH issues/ personality disorder?

I wouldn't consider having her to stay this year as she's evidently unappreciative of your efforts so why do it?
Spend the money on treating yourself without guilt.

Speaking from the experience of a mum with 2 teens whose dad also left for another woman. I dont see your DN as a brat, I see her as a mixed up, confused little girl, who is having very adult feelings that she is just not able to process. My own teens struggled when there dad left, they went through so many emotions & my dd lashed out at those closest to her, as we were her safe people, as she got older & she finally opened up about everything, she said she felt the only way to protect herself from being hurt again was to push people away. We tried our best to make sure that the dc knew we loved them very much, that they're behaviour was not acceptable & tried to give them a safe space to talk about how they felt, sometimes kids feel that talking to you about how they feel will either upset you or make themselves vulnerable to judgement. I think maybe spending some time with your DN & not doing something super expensive just something where you can have a laugh together or have a pampering session together might help fix the bond. I hope things get better for you x

I agree it should be no this August. But no doesn’t have to be never. With luck and time she’ll grow up and change and you may find you’ll want to reinstate her annual visits to you and you’ll be able to form an adult to adult relationship as opposed to adult child which is the current situation. You sound like a lovely aunt and I really hope that this works out in the long run.

I think your niece may be going through some tough times emotionally and is taking this out on you and the world in general. It can’t be easy to be treated as an afterthought by your own father for example.
All that being said, she needs to understand that her behaviour is not acceptable …and that line drawn in the sand. Stand your ground on this, you’re not doing your DN any favours by accepting her poor behaviour. She needs to learn actions have consequences.

Hi,
Sorry for the slight insult, and I bet you’ve already heard a lot here. But, are you a mug ?
your DN is taking the piss, even more is your sister assuming that you have some sort of responsibility for her daughter.

Please tell me that you decided to tell them both to fxxxoff and you won’t follow any stupid “tradition” because her daughter is arrogant and egocentric.

Simply ! Don’t do it.
what’s wrong with people saying NO ??

honestly !

I used to do the same things with my nieces when they came to London to visit. Last time one of them brought her boyfriend with her and I think expected me to just F off somewhere so they could just have uninterrupted sex in my house for 5 days. When she discovered that wasn’t happening, all hell broke loose. Between us, her bf managed to keep her out of the house for most of the days and I went in to the office but they would rock back up at 3am, waking me. It’s taken a long time for me to even speak to her, such was my level of anger and resentment. I’m still very cautious around her, and courteous but it’s gonna take a lot lot longer and at least until she’s in her 20s, before I offer any help, advice or lodging.

Teens (and indeed children generally) need to learn that their behaviour has consequences. Why not say to her that her behaviour last year was rude, inappropriate and inconsiderate to you (and also her friend). You would love to have her and her friend to stay again, but only if she is prepared to be polite and considerate - and not until then. Better still, put this in writing to her so that you can be sure to phrase things exactly as you want. What message would you be sending her if you invite her to stay as usual so that she can abuse you again? That it's ok to treat people like that and this is all you deserve? Perhaps your sister fails to let her daughter experience the consequences of her behaviour - but that is not your problem.

Obviously, OP has left the thread because she's buckled and will bend over backwards to accommodate DN and continue to enable her behaviour. The divorce was years ago and I'm sure an absent father is (unfortunately) hardly uncommon in her circles. I hope OP takes herself off for a break - I previously suggested with DS and DM but they would probably get so wound up worrying about how kid was doing.

Invite her friend to stay. Not the niece.

@valsays

"My plan is at the weekend to write a formal invitation for DN to join me on a trip to Edinburgh, with an RSVP card"

I absolutely love this idea. I would have loved an auntie like you when I was young (I still would!)

The formal invitation to Edinburgh sounds like something out of Jane Austen, I just love it

Staying with your friend sounds like a very good idea. Firstly, I think you are probably right and that she will modify her behaviour in front of him. Secondly, as a social worker, he sounds like he is well placed to understand the situation.

You sound like a very kind and intelligent woman. Your niece is very lucky to have an auntie like you.

Best of luck to your poor sister, and I think the break will do her the world of good.

DN isn't your teen you don't have to put up with rude and abusive behaviour and I think its a bit much your DS think you should just put up with it.......her daughter her problem

You could just tag the OP, @Sillyname63.

I hope by quoting you, you will see this.
I read your OP a few days ago that evening I read something in a book which I think summed up your nieces behaviour.
" I wonder if you are lost, that is when we start misbehaving, isn't it?
When we become a warped version of ourselves to hide the pain or the disappointments"
I think this is what your niece is doing, she is saying my dad hated me so I must be in-loveable, so I will push everyone away then I can't get hurt again.
Have your niece to stay, by herself this year , try and get her to open up this year about her feelings. Don't over organise things to do, take it day by day. But make it clear you are there for her unconditionally.

The girl has been abandoned by the very adult she needs

Have a heart

There is no excuse for DN"s appalling behaviour & attitude. None. Not age not domestic circumstances none.
I"d simply say, with perfect accuracy, that DN hated it last time. It was a very unpleasant experience gor both of us and I'm not doing it this year. No ifs, no buts. It didn"t work.

It's a big no from me to hosting DN again. If you did agree your DN is likely to repeat her bad behaviors or worse as there have been no consequences so far.

And no more expensive presents either. £10 or £20 in a card is more than enough to make your point about how hngrateful she is, and then she can't accuse you of terrible choices.

In the meantime I would be tempted to spend your saved 1k on exciting days out for you and your friends in the summer months and maybe post them on social media so DN thinks about what she is missing out on.

DN is behaving unacceptably but if you think the relationship is salvageable offer her a day on appro perhaps. If that goes well she can stay another and so on.

Don't even consider having her again and tell your DS why. Shei is not worth bothering with.

Just because it isn't normal teen bratty behaviour, it doesn't mean that your sister is a bad parent. I absolutely hate that assumption, that all of a child's behaviour is a parents fault, usually this accusation is reserved just for single mothers. I work with children (younger than your DN) with behavioural issues, and I never blame the parents even if they do have inappropriate reactions sometimes. There are many more perfectly behaved young people with consistently shitty parents.

But whilst I don't believe your sister is to blame, I do think her behaviour is so far from the norm, you shouldn't be expected to host without some sort of genuine apology and attempt from DN to repair the damage she has done. Does your DS know the extent of her behaviour last year? Does she know she has been ignoring your communication?

What about hosting your DS for a week instead? Could your DN stay with your mum, and your DS still have a break from DN? If she needs to stay at home for work, maybe you could treat her to a hotel for a week, with the money you'd usually spend on DN. Or another option is suggest a holiday for the 3 of you, say you don't want to be responsible for DN but do want to treat your DS.

Oh I do think your dn is thinking of you as a safe person to let out her feelings to. But I'd suggest that having some one else there ( the friend) is making the situation harder. Maybe agree to have her stay, but only her and for less time. I'd also get her to agree on outings before she comes,,leaving time for just quiet and the option for her to talk to you one on one.

No way are you being unreasonable! If your sister has to put up with that behaviour every day then that’s her choice, it is her daughter after all! Absolutely no way would I be taking her unless she was able to sit down and have a chat, apologise for previous behaviour and mutually agree expectations, otherwise - not a chance!!