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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to cancel holiday?

161 replies

Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 09:51

Me and my partner were invited to a ‘friends’ wedding abroad last year.
The invite seemed like a second thought as the bride was struggling for guests and also bridesmaids. I used to work with the bride 4 years ago and kept in contact and meet up for a coffee every now and then, we aren’t close.
i accepted the invite and agreed to being a bridesmaid but it’s caused me nothing but stress, the MOH is horrid and I have had nasty messages from both MOH and MOB,
they are dictating things even down to the colour of my toe nails.
the holiday has cost me and my partner £2.6K which is a lot of money as we’re currently saving for a house.
the hens do was this weekend which I cancelled on and was laid to send £50 for a contribution to food even though I wasn’t going (I still paid for my place etc which I didn’t mind doing) I had to cancel as the stress and awful messages caused me to end up in hospital with the stress of everything giving me blood clots and severe migraines.
i am considering cancelling the holiday as the messages I have received this morning about nail colour have tipped me over the edge, I know I will lose a friendship over this although I don’t really care and wouldn’t miss this friendship either.
i can get £2.2k back and put it in my house deposit pot.
so AIBU to cancel my holiday and not be a bridesmaid in a friends wedding.
ps the wedding is in September

OP posts:
StampOnTheGround · 12/06/2024 16:48

Well done OP - you've made the right decision.

A friend of mine was a bridesmaid in a wedding that sounds very similar - although it was for a best friend so pulling out wasn't an option. Hated most of it, hated the run in and spent thousands.

Enjoy the extra money for your house saving!

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 16:47

There's no lie.
I have been in hospital and am due to go again for scans etc as I react badly to stress and have gotten myself into a mess medically now with blood clots etc.
I don't think I'd be in a position to fly at all and neither do I want to x

OP posts:
Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 16:46

She messaged saying was there a reason I have blocked her number and on Facebook because she didn't think there was a problem between us

OP posts:
loropianalover · 12/06/2024 16:45

beckybarefoot · 12/06/2024 15:32

i dont think telling lies is the best answer to be honest, lies have a habit of coming back to bite you.

if you genuinely are not bothered about being a bridesmaid i would be honest with the bride and tell her the truth. tell her what the MOH and MOB are doing and that its too much.

you might not lose the friendship, but lying isn;t right

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I don’t understand, what’s the lie? OP did end up in hospital over this and will not be in a position to travel in September if it’s causing her this much stress and migraines now, obviously she wouldn’t be able to travel for it in 2 months time?

tattygrl · 12/06/2024 16:36

Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 16:33

She found me on Instagram and has now tried to message me. I am going to ignore it and just get on with me day. The bride hasn't made any attempts to contact me either

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Wow that is outrageous! What did she try and say to you on insta?

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 16:33

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 12/06/2024 15:34

To avoid further upset and stress, I suggest you block the MOH and MOB on your phone. You don’t need to stay in contact with any of them now and they have been very unkind to you. I wish you a speedy recovery!

She found me on Instagram and has now tried to message me. I am going to ignore it and just get on with me day. The bride hasn't made any attempts to contact me either

OP posts:
Toastcrumbsinsofa · 12/06/2024 16:21

Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 15:42

I did this as soon as I'd cancelled the holiday!

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I’m so pleased to hear this! Smile

mrstea301 · 12/06/2024 16:16

Well done - I hope you feel amazing now!

You've absolutely made the right decision - there's no way this wouldn't have gotten 100 times more stressful as September approached!

I think it's also become quite clear on why the bride maybe doesn't have many friends / guests attending...

EatCrow · 12/06/2024 15:49

Well done OP, enjoy the relief.

anon4net · 12/06/2024 15:47

Be proud of yourself @Booklover20 well done!!

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 15:42

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 12/06/2024 15:34

To avoid further upset and stress, I suggest you block the MOH and MOB on your phone. You don’t need to stay in contact with any of them now and they have been very unkind to you. I wish you a speedy recovery!

I did this as soon as I'd cancelled the holiday!

OP posts:
Firawla · 12/06/2024 15:37

Fantastic decision to cancel… to get 2k back and only loose 200 and not have to put up with their stress any longer it’s really a no brainer
there is no obligation or need at all to be a bridesmaid for someone you’re not even close to. A bit sad really that she asked but that’s her problem

Toastcrumbsinsofa · 12/06/2024 15:34

To avoid further upset and stress, I suggest you block the MOH and MOB on your phone. You don’t need to stay in contact with any of them now and they have been very unkind to you. I wish you a speedy recovery!

WowsersCheeter · 12/06/2024 15:33

Just hear to add to everyone's well done messages! What a relief.

beckybarefoot · 12/06/2024 15:32

loropianalover · 12/06/2024 09:54

Tell bride you are sick in hospital and are quite unwell, and that you wanted to let her know as soon as possible that you won’t be in a position to travel come September. You really apologise for pulling out of the wedding and hope she has a beautiful day. Then leave all of the bridesmaid group chats, mute and archive all of their contacts.

i dont think telling lies is the best answer to be honest, lies have a habit of coming back to bite you.

if you genuinely are not bothered about being a bridesmaid i would be honest with the bride and tell her the truth. tell her what the MOH and MOB are doing and that its too much.

you might not lose the friendship, but lying isn;t right

STST · 12/06/2024 15:29

Well done OP!

I get so frustrated, reading posts from people who are being absolutely walked all over in various situations (free childcare, running round after grown DH’s, taken for granted by friends/parents/anyone really) and they do nothing about it. Or are too terrified to do anything about it for fear of ‘upsetting’ things.

People need to understand that they have to stand up for themselves, not tie themselves in knots trying to please people who take advantage and simply do not care about them in the slightest.

People’s behaviour towards you shows you VERY clearly what they think of you.

Well bloody done for sending that message, valuing yourself and sticking up for yourself. Feel proud. Amazing.

RetroTotty · 12/06/2024 15:26

You'll get either a bombardment or nothing, I feel!

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 15:23

Quittingwifework · 12/06/2024 15:16

Has she replied?

No I haven't heard from here.
She has read the message though so she is aware I won't be coming.

OP posts:
Quittingwifework · 12/06/2024 15:16

Has she replied?

Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 15:03

longdistanceclaraclara · 12/06/2024 13:07

I went with YABU because it's a ridiculous thing to have agreed to in the first place!

Trust me I know! I wish I'd never said yes in the first place. I'm more annoyed with myself than anything!x

OP posts:
Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 15:01

Newestname002 · 12/06/2024 14:26

@Booklover20

I just canceled the holiday and also messaged the bride.
I feel so much better and know this will help relive my stress and help with my physical recovery the stress has caused

^I just told her my exact reasoning,
Hind sight is a really lovely thing and I wished I'd never said yes in the first place. I think I agreed as I felt awful she didn't have many guests or bridesmaids. I've cancelled it now and feel much better!^

Well done OP! You've really stood up for yourself here and the £200 deposit loss is a price worth paying to get out of such a horrible situation with horrible people. No wonder the bride to be fell short of guests agreeing to spend their money to attend her away wedding.

Next time something similar happens, do give yourself a little thinking time (ie: "that sounds lovely but I'd need to see what my partner and I can move around", "I've already got something pencilled in for those dates - may I come back to you as soon as I've been able to confirm my previous commitment"). 🌹

Thank you, I really appreciate your response!
I definitely will in the future consider things more and think about what me and my partner actually want to do. Rather than just do things to please others x

OP posts:
Original poster
Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 14:59

randomusernam · 12/06/2024 14:41

I just can't understand how these type of people have the audacity. How does anyone think it is reasonable to expect someone to spend 4K if not more on their wedding. When did weddings become a whole week? This is madness! Well done for standing up for yourself and saying no!

I had this exact conversation with my mum a few weeks ago, the hen do was a four day trip and we were just invoiced constantly for things the MOH and MOB had planned without consulting us.
The bride in multiple occasions said to me oh you can afford it as you don't have a house yet or anything to pay for which is quite presumptuous I think as I don't share my financial situation with other people.
I am glad to be out of the situation.

OP posts:
Singersong · 12/06/2024 14:57

They sound absolutely unbearable and in so glad you cancelled. Imagine thinking you have enough authority over a grown woman to dictate how revealing her bikini is. Disgraceful.

randomusernam · 12/06/2024 14:41

I just can't understand how these type of people have the audacity. How does anyone think it is reasonable to expect someone to spend 4K if not more on their wedding. When did weddings become a whole week? This is madness! Well done for standing up for yourself and saying no!

poolemoney · 12/06/2024 14:28

Booklover20 · 12/06/2024 12:05

They were silly messages that tipped me over, comments about what I was allowed to wear on the holiday such as no revealing bikinis, no bright nails, no going out without consulting the group.
The holiday was from Sunday-sunday and the wedding was the Friday. But I was having my whole week dictated by this group of women.
They wanted a further £1000 to book things such as spa days, hair and makeup etc all which I simply cannot afford! The stress isn't worth a week in the sun

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I suspect one of them was going to make a nice tidy sum from the money left from each hen.