Bit out of order?

Ask sil to choose somewhere with outside space so your children can relax.

You could leave the dogs at home and have an early lunch with the whole family. Job done.

Ur not visiting them only for a bit rather than a full day - you had already planned on leaving around 4pm and you think they’re going to do food at 2 or 3 pm.

at worst you’re missing two hours and a provided lunch, at best - sil is taking her father out for lunch so he doesn’t have to wait on anyone and can have a nice meal out?

she might be agreeing to do lunch earlier because you’re there - all you have to say is we were planning on leaving around 4pm, would you be able to do an early dinner with dad around 5?

don’t understand the issue at all

If we’re you I would go earlier for breakfast and if your kids cannot manage lunch out then take picnic or fun ready meals and you can eat at grandparents house and watch a family movie and see them again after. If they are SEN you can explain it would be overwhelming otherwise.

As it’s your dh’s Father’s Day too why not have 2 hours with pil and then treat your dh to a nice coffee on the way home.

Leave the dogs home after a big exercise in morning and choose a kid friendly restaurant?

Pop up and see them one evening then instead? An hour isn't far at all. My dm is a similar distance away and I regularly do this.

I think, unfortunately, if you have a dog you have to accept you either need a good dog-sitter or to miss out on some things. I have a dog too, there's nothing wrong with it, but you can't expect others to limit going out because of it.

It sounds like you want things all your way, but really the day is bout what your fil would like.

It sounds like you don't want your SIL to spend the day with her dad because she sees him more often.
I really don't think she is being out of order at all, she wants to take her dad out for lunch and has invited you too.
Why can't you take two cars so your husband can go for the lunch with his family and you take the children and dogs home. Sometimes you need a bit of compromise.

Yeah the 2 cars thing is odd too! Are you seriously saying that he wouldn’t go out for a meal with his dad on Father’s Day just because of that?

So any activity which your DH will attend has to always include the whole family (1 car), plus dog, plus SEN kids and 1 hour is considered a lengthy distance. Can you not see how this might be a bit frustrating/ limiting for your SIL and your PIL who might just want to do something different for once?

So we will just see them a couple hours instead of the whole day as originally planned. Then we will see them next month.

Is there anything actually stopping you seeing them sooner than that? You are only one hour away but you talk as if everything is set in stone.

Go wild! Visit them two weeks in a row!

I think your replies would have been different if you’d outlined in the OP that you don’t want to go for lunch due to the dress of SEN children. Totally understand.

I would go at 10 instead, having stopped off somewhere nearby for a selection of pastries, fruit and coffee etc.

Dh could go but that would mean taking two cars. I don't think he will if we all can't go.

Christ, so he’s mega rigid too?

At least your SIL is actually planning to treat her dad, rather than visiting and expecting lunch to be provided.

I don’t think you’re thinking about your PIL here you’re thinking about what works for you. As others have said, isn’t it nice for him to see all of his kids? And go out for lunch rather than him having to host? I really don’t think your dog should come into the equation! If it does, couldn’t you walk the dog near to the pub whilst the others eat?

If lunch really won’t work why don’t you bring your visit forward to morning coffee and then do something else with your DP and kids in the afternoon.

I do understand that it’s difficult with SEN kids but surely your PIL can’t always be expected to make plans with that at the forefront of their minds. And I think you might find it easier if you try to develop a slightly thicker skin TBH, having SEN kids just means that you might have to adjust plans a bit more often, there’s just no way around it.

You live close to them, you could easily see them more than once a month if you wanted!

I think you're unreasonable to expect pil to provide lunch tbh.

If you don't want to do lunch, then go before or after for a few hours. You aren't travelling a massive distance! I think you're making a mountain out of a molehill.

What's the issue?
Go for lunch
End of...

YABU - you only live an hour away, you are making a mountain out of a molehill

SIL is entitled to to see her Dad on a special day. And it sound like fil wants to see her too.
You are taking up a MASSIVE chunk of a special day.
SIL may see her dps all the time but she is also allowed to see them on special days.
It was really kind of her to offer you all to come with them.

You expect them to cater to you on Father's Day and you consider an hour a significant sacrifice to see them. I'm not surprised they don't see you more often.

Tbh I think it’s normal to try to elevate a day like Father’s Day as you’ve agreed to meet up with them. You could have offered to take lunch. Much better than expecting them to host as usual. Once SIL suggested lunch you could have said that wouldn’t suit your DC but you’d join them at home afterwards with cake or something for pudding.

Surely when it is is father's day, it would be nicer for your PIL to not to have to make you lunch and for you to take them for lunch or to bring a takeaway/items? Or as SIL suggests, you could go for lunch with them? Seems like more of a celebration that way - than sandwiches!

What a storm in a teacup.

Either go to lunch or say well we were planning on staying till 4, could you maybe take him out for an early dinner instead".

I think you’re being really unreasonable, it is highly immature to be all but we asked first nonsense. They are both his kids.

if you really cannot go out to lunch then leave early. If you can nd you’re just being difficult then just go and stop being petty. The dogs can stay in the house.