To be annoyed that my sister wants me to change my hair for her wedding.

I’m guessing this isn’t even about the wedding at all, but a family dynamic where you’re the black sheep and she’s the (possibly younger?) sister with a deep urge to fix the difficult issues, but, with a child’s understanding, has fixated on your hair colour, mistaking the outward manifestation for the underlying problem.

Am I close?

My suggestion is to talk to your hairdresser about the problem and then bring your dsis for a consultation so she can hear that blonde is the single worst choice you could make.

And then take her off for a long heart to heart about what is really going on for her.

@Coldsore you would not have a good friend as a bridesmaid if their hair wasn’t the correct colour for you?

Well, that says a lot more about your self esteem than the op’s. Surely embracing your friends as they are is the most important thing. And if you can’t then ask yourself why not.

I wouldn’t have ever asked my bridesmaids to wear anything they didn’t like or change their hair- their individually is why I love them! They also all came to try on dresses together and pick something that flatters them all and they feel comfortable in.

The only thing false is the sister asking her to be bridesmaid, she wants a version she likes of her to be bridesmaid!

I'm not sure why you wouldn't want someone you had a good relationship and bond with to not be your bridesmaid, because you didn't like the colour of their hair!?

I think you need to establish why you're so shallow, not character assassinate the OP.

I don’t actually read your post in the same way as everyone else.

if you don’t want to be a bridesmaid, please don’t do it. I think it will ruin the day if you’re there with a puss on; it’s really noticeable if someone doesn’t want to be there. You have time to just say you don’t want to do it.

separately, you should seek some help for your self-esteem issues, as they seem to seriously encroach on your life, and this entire post is very “woe is me”.

no one has the right to ask you to change your hair, no. I personally wouldn’t have asked you to be a BM as I don’t love brightly coloured, “false” looking hair, but your sister knew that when she asked and you shouldn’t change it. Im baffled that you had some sort of confidence crisis and changed your hair after your last sister’s wedding. I’m not sure why your husband is also trying to make you feel bad regarding this situation, as if your sister wants you not to be recognised as you in photos. This won’t be the case.

You're a person not an accessory.

Just say No!

She now feels hurt that I don't want to so I've kinda been guilt tripped into doing it

She’s hurt that you won’t change your hair colour? Give over, she is not. She just wants her own way.

I think it’s time for a frank discussion with Bridezilla. Let her know that you have zero intention of dyeing your hair blonde - ever. It’s red and it’s staying red. (Personally, I think it would look amazing with pink flowers in it!)

If she's that desperate for you to have blonde hair, she can pay extra for the photographer to edit your hair in every photograph you appear in, which should cost her a pretty penny!. Although even then I think she's a major cheeky fucker for even suggesting it.

Absolutely stand your ground. As a wedding photographer I love to see a bit of individuality in weddings, and it makes the photos far more interesting.

Don't let her bully you!

This is the sensible thing to do and you should absolutely do something like this.

But...

Is it just the colour she's being a prima donna about? Because if it is, you could get something like this https://i.ebayimg.com/images/g/0asAAOSwtM1bo-bW/s-l1600.webp, and send her a pic before the Big Day and say 2I've done what you asked! Hope you like it."

Christ, she hasn’t let you pick out a dress that suits your shape and now she’s trying to dictate your hair? Hopefully she’s lost her mind a bit and become bridezilla but is usually nice. Honestly I’d suck up the dress and offer to wear a wig (at her expense) as it’s your sister and not worth starting Ww3 over.

Tell her to fuck off. What an absolute Bridezilla. Wedding photos should be a memory of a lovely day surrounded by the people you love. The fact that she is criticising your appearance means she is shallow and does not love people for who they are.

I doubt many people would want to be your bridesmaid, thankfully.

It's not all about the insta!

You’ve had your hair that colour for years, it’s not like you dye your hair different colours every month (then I could understand). But you won’t look like you on the photos if you change your hair.

Id just tell her that you are not prepared to dye your hair but you understand if she wants you to step down as a bridesmaid. Its her choice then.

Agreed! But they are at least in the vast minority!

My gut says no bride should ask a bridesmaid to permanently change anything about themselves.

I do feel a bit guilty as my three sisters were my bridesmaids and I chose dresses and hair styles that I suspect none of them liked but none of them told me this.

Both the dresses and hair were not unusual - just maybe not what they would have worn. The hair was literally a bun at the nape of their necks with small flowers.

my youngest sister cut her very long hair the week before the wedding to a pixie cut. Never said anything to me but it was clearly a protest of some sort. I never said anything to her and the hair dresser on the day just added small flowers with clips.

i suspect your sister is worried the colour of your hair will stand out too much in the wedding photos and distract from her

ask her if it’s this

People like you have forgotten what the true purpose of a wedding is. I find it so silly!

Just tell her that you don't want to dye it, that you're happy to step down from bridesmaid duties if you don't fit with her aesthetic but you're not willing to compromise on this because it's important to your self esteem. She can take it or leave it.

It's so lovely that your hair gives you a sense of confidence and makes you feel good

Please don't let her request diminish that. I would let her know your hair will be as it always is but that you understand if she doesn't want you to be a bridesmaid if she wishes

No ifs and buts, you should be unapologetically you

Very shallow

I agree with just saying you're not going to do that. Offer to step out of being a bridesmaid.

Obviously I've known people who only have small bridesmaids and some if that is about the cuteness factor, but if you're going for adult bridesmaids you accept that you're doing it because you want them around, not because they are cardboard cut-outs. But this whole bridesmaid/bride thing seems to have got massively out of hand in recent years.

Good grief how strange. I would never make a bridesmaid wear a dress which they didn’t feel confident in and changing hair colour is a another level of entitlement and batshittery.

Just say no to all of it.

That's mental !! It's like saying take up smoking so you'll be thin in the photos.

I have pale skin and would get a spray tan if asked, but would never speak to someone again if they "needed" me to do a sunbed !!

I'd say you were willing to have it in an up do so it's less prominent but your hair will be red so it's her choice if she wants you to not attend

The bigger thing that jumps out to me is that you don’t want to be a bridesmaid anyway. I know it’s really hard but having that discussion about how you will be more comfortable just attending would be good (not if it be would make your MH worse though.)

Otherwise if you want to go ahead, your sister gets you with red hair or not at all