Or am I too controlling?

He needs to seek counselling support for his past trauma

Mmm. Nothing thank god. Think he realized how pissed off I was so hasn’t touched it since Tuesday

Let's see if that lasts. I bet he'll stop for a few nights then he'll start again and it will gradually creep up until it's back to normal.

How much has he drank in the last couple of nights?

Wow, that’s a LOT

he needs counselling and rehab you cant help an alcoholic they have to help themselves

and depending what time he finishes drinking he could still be over the limit the follwing day

That’s an insane amount on a regular basis. That’s an alcohol problem imo.

To be honest op, I’m surprised your child raised it, but you didn’t deal with it because it got to this level.

i think as much as you’re saying he can go, you will help etc, it’s also clear the last thing you want is to split up. And you already knew he was an alcoholic, but have failed to deal with it. Your initial post was about your youngest being a sensitive soul and trying to protect you but the older ones not noticing. Of course they notice, the man sits and downs up to ten cans a night, he’s a drunk.

My ex was a alcoholic. We lived together for 9 years. I have to say there's really nothing you can do. I spent years trying every different approach I could to help him. I tried everything. You can't reason with an alcoholic. They basically want the alcohol above anything else. We ended up separating and it was the best thing. Think of your children.

Yes your son is correct. It is a big problem and your son deserves better. Good luck OP.

Just because someone doesn't need a drink when they wake up doesn't stop them being an alcoholic. 8-10 beers a day is ridiculous.

The only way to help your partner is give him the details of AA and offer to take him. If he doesn't go, that has to be the end.

When you say other than this do you mean the day time weekends before he has a drink? He's literally drinking all the time otherwise?

He's an alcoholic and it's not fair on your son.

He is an alcoholic. Your 12-year-old is pretty astute.

Sorry just seen he doesn’t drive to
work… we’ll that’s something at least!
Does he operate machinery at work? He’s lucky he doesn’t get the sack from work… that smell of beer the morning after makes me feel sick and I can smell it on people ..

Has he ever had therapy?

My partner used to get pushed down stairs and have black eyes going to primary school from his father when he was a little kid and given money then so he wouldn’t tell anyone. Sometimes he cries telling me about it.

A lot of people use drink as a coping mechanism, my mum was an alcoholic, but strictly in the evenings so it 'didn't count' to her, she went through a really traumatic time a few years previously, well we all did actually but she bore the brunt, and she never really got over it all, I think it was her way of numbing everything but when she was drunk that anger at the injustice of it all used to seep out of her pores and she seemed annoyed, she would be cold and sarcastic if not downright argumentative over nothing.. I just avoided her in the evenings so I didn't have to engage.

The worst part was the next morning when I'd come downstairs and she'd be my fantastic lovely mum again, she either never remembered or she pretended she didn't, and I would feel incredibly guilty for feeling annoyed with her the previous night.. every night and day that cycle happened, every night the anxiety of which version she would be, every morning the guilt, I was the same age as your son when this all started.

She never stopped and she died by 60, I sometimes think if she had therapy she may have been able to let go of some of that anger and be free of the coping mechanism, but she never did. You won't be able to 'help him' OP, he can only help himself with your support if you choose, but you should not put your kids through everything that alcoholism entails.

HOLY CRAP!!
8-10 beers most nights?! I used to work with alcoholics that drank less than that!!
Personally I feel that it’s your house and your rules… you have to set an example to your kids… do you want your 12 year old growing up to think this level of drinking is ‘normal’…
If I met someone new I wouldn’t allow them to smoke or vape or take drugs in my house, and I don’t see excessive drinking as any different!
The very fact he promises to cut back but then can’t suggests this is a bigger problem for him!
Not only that but if he’s drinking 8-10 beers before bed there is no way he’s within the legal limit when he gets behind the wheel and drives to work the next morning!! Personally I wouldn’t tolerate this. He stops drinking more than 2 beers on week nights or he leaves!

I have lived with a functioning alcoholic. Gorgeous bloke, lovely, kind,generous, funny. Drank every late afternoon and evening. Very rarely "drunk" but drank, minimum of two bottles of wine a day. He just didn't see it as a problem. No children though and that's the heart of this matter isn't it?

It's up to you whether you want your children to grow up thinking it's normal to drink alcohol every day.

Personally, I wouldn't give him a third chance. You've already had this conversation, but he continues to ignore this boundary so what's the point in having the conversation again? He already knows how you feel. He chooses the drink.

Functional alcoholic. It isn’t behaviour I would choose to expose my children to if there were a choice. They are using the argument of a 12 year old dictating whether they can drink to mask the issue that they cannot choose when or not to drink. Good luck going forward

Ah crap. I'm from a country regularly topping the list of countries by alcohol consumption per capita (usually we're the 1st in the world). It always makes me laugh when I see all these 'us Brits are such problem/binge drinkers, we drink way too much' here. As where I'm from, the total number of drinks your average Brit drinker consumes by the end of the evening would be a pre-drinks to us. I myself can easily polish 10-15 beers (love beer) or a 0.7 bottle of whisky if the party's good.

That said, even back home no one but the hardcore alcoholics drink every day. And 8-10 beers EVERY DAY would definitely raise eyebrows. That IS a huge amount. 2-4 chilled beers with dinner/relaxing in summer - ok (and even that's not every day). 10? Every evening? Wow.

I have a friend just like your partner. Nice chap, fully functioning, stable life, mellow and friendly (at least used to be). Drinks everyday (and even he doesn't consume 10 beers), drinks a lot on the weekends (normal back home). Few years ago, he used to say he's just 'likes the taste'. Then came 'relaxing'. Then 'I can't relax without it'. And now he 'needs it' and gets angry and very irritable without his usual beers. He's 50. Fuck knows what's going to happen in 10-20 years (if he lives that long). Not a good place to be.

Amazing thread OP, good luck xx

But your kids aren't happy. Your son is telling you that.

Honestly op, you cannot change him. It has to come from him.

You have a really low bar.

I'm sounding harsh but it's from learned experience. Im traumatised from being the child of an alcoholic and growing up in that environment. I blame my mum as much as my dad for not leaving him to it. She also thought he'd change and that she could manage him. I don't talk to either of them now. You need to think about your children. You have a lot to lose here.

8 to 10 every night? I'm sorry but he's an alcoholic. I wouldn't want to subject my children to this.

Speaking from family experience, you cannot help a functioning alcoholic, it never works, ever. If by some miracle your help coincides with their own decision to stop it then appears to have helped. They won't stop until they hit their own version of rock bottom ( this will vary from person to person - or never happen).

Oh, and secret drinking, with the level of drinking you are describing, it is definitely happening and if not, will happen. Functioning alcoholics can be very clever and creative when accessing secret stashes of alcohol - I very much doubt that what you see him drink is all he drinks. Look after your child, and yourself - leaving him may get him to change, staying with him won't .