Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

Thumbs up emoji and then ignore.

I don't think your response is in the best interest of our child and she needs both her parents to work together the support her through this tough time.

He sounds just like my ex

One of my friends got a very very similar message down to the stone around his neck and maintenance. She called his bluff, she told him she was perfectly happy for him to take over as a resident parent and when could he take the kid’s stuff to him.

That shut him up nicely, she knew, however, that with the exh having a partner and step children, there was no way he (or she) would accept the kid moving to his.

I would say, don’t answer now, but in a few days mention about his message and attitude and that due to how exhausting it is to do this on your own that you would like him to take over as a resident parent, h we will kick off, of course but that’s when you can ask for more support.

I don’t have any suggestions as to a response (except, don’t) but I’m stunned by his tone! He thinks he’s paying you to parent his children rather than financially contributing to their upkeep!

Oooohh his message makes me rage!
I think ignoring is the best way to go too though, grey rock as much as possible. School avoidance must be so hard on your own with a 15 year old, I hope you find a way through it, sending loads of positive thoughts your way.

You could always send him 👍

But seriously, as much as a scathing response would be satisfying, he's not got the emotional intelligence to feel ashamed of his behaviour. Thank the lord you're divorced is all I can say.

But in the future I'd not contact him about anything. But I'd be waiting for the next time he tells you something such as the dentist comment. I'd respond with 'as per our last exchange of messages regarding our daughter, you made yourself very clear that as you pay maintenance you have no responsibility for X, therefore I am respecting your wishes by telling you to keep your fucking nose out of my business'

I've got one exactly the same op and I finally realised that he will never ever see my perspective no matter how reasonable I try to be.

Just leave it. Honestly. It really is better to maintain a dignified silence I think.

Thank you so much for the word “smunty”.

What an absolute cockwomble.

I dunno about a thumbs up emoji in these circumstances. I believe correct queens English would be👌

My ex speaks to me like this and I have now stopped sharing anything with him at all because he makes me want to punch him in his smunty face. Best of luck OP.

yes - actually OP, on the issue of school refusal, there is an EBSA support thread on here and several facebook groups that have been a lifesaver for me when dealing with this. If it does take root, do seek help from people who actually know what its like and won't just tell you to "make" them go.

I would have just replied with something simple like “silly me for thinking that you would care and want to support your own child. I guess not.”

Most men would absolutely love to be kept in the loop like this and want to know if their child is struggling or having issues.
Unfortunately, this one isn’t one of them.

I think that the most succinct reply would be, no reply.

I am sorry your child is thinking about missing school. We are a year into school refusal and it is tough but it is not the end of the world.

You ex sounds a bit of a dick and I would just keep that message so if you are ever accused of not asking his opinion or not sharing info, then you bring that message out!

Sorry he is a dick but I don't think you will educate him, after all these years.

God, what an absolute dick!!

This would be my response too. And as a previous poster advised, ‘it’s all in hand’ to any seemingly casual enquiries (e.g. dentist). You’ll never get any help from him so certainly don’t give him any ammunition.

Personally, I couldn’t go for no response because I’d hate for it to be perceived as cowed submission. However, you know better than me what response is best.

Don’t reply

and don’t contact him again

i would ask on here how to help your 15yo yourself - because if you wait for him or even for counselling, you’ll be waiting forever.

I agree with the others. Just ignore him. If your youngest is nearly 15 that means all three girls are old enough to deal with their father directly. Don't waste your time and effort keeping him informed about appointments and school stuff. He doesn't care about them outside of his weekends. You're only driving yourself crazy by hoping he will be any help or support.

Whether narcissistic or not, a man like that is never going to read even a well written reply and then suddenly get an epiphany and reply with “thanks for your further remarks. I never thought of it that way before. Sorry about my dickish behaviour. I am going to pick up our daughter right now and see if I can help with the school refusal.”

He will just reply with more of the same.

You are making the very common mistake of thinking that being provided with the right information will make a twat stop being a twat.

You are not his PA and it is not your job to provide him with any type of school, activity or other summary.
If he is interested in his daughters he can get that information himself as a father.
I would stop communicating and let 15y old and older to arrange their own time with dad.

If he comes back being pissy about lack of information just writte him: "As a father you can access this information from [name of the person/institution]."
Ignore all other messages from him about that or other issues.
Idiots like that die inside when you ignore them as it makes them feel small.

I had one of these. Mid range narcissist according to Dr Ramani.

There is absolutely nothing you can say that he will listen to. He thinks (or deludes himself) that he’s better than you because he has a good job. I’d recommend very minimal contact for the sake of your mental health because you will never get the answer you want/need - he just isn’t capable because part of his brain is faulty.

My exh was this sort of twat, I would be so enraged but I quickly learnt that saying nothing says more than ten thousand words ever could. I said very very little over the years and watched him dig his own grave as now my 19 & 20 have cut him out of their lives for being a prick - he is enraged! It was all done by me saying nothing and I have the best relationship with them. Try and engage as little as possible. Do it alone.

He is 'not the boss of you' and his words are of no weight to you at all.

Carry on sending notes whenever you feel like it - or don't if you don't.

However, anything you say to him in reply to his message will be a gain to him. It will suggest that he does have power over you.

Behave as if that message never arrived. Carry on carrying on!

You two divorced, he's still their father and that includes every day scenarios not just what may occur EOW.

Just because he pays a monthly maintenance payment it doesn't mean that he gets to opt out of parenting whether in his time or not, it's also his joint responsibility to make sure that when such times arise, as here with your DD's education you pull together to show your DC that you're both reading from the same book.

Whether you reply or not is your choice but at some point the above needs pointing out to him.

He has made clear that he has no interest in his children outside of the time they are with him. Therefore if he is 'furious' about you not telling him something that is happening on your time you can direct him back to his message. Every time.

I'd send that a thumbs up emoji!!!!