Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

Like others I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of a reply. He’s obviously expecting an irate response so he can belittle you again. He’s a bully- don’t be a victim. You are better than him and as your girls grow older they will look back and know who was always there for them.

I've found the hottest new item for your summer wardrobe, OP. I'd wear it every time I saw him.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Love-Seagulls-Funny-Cartoon-Shirt/dp/B07LBPJ3J5

Send him a picture of a seagull and nothing else.

I think you're right to stay silent. Save the email to show your children when the time is right and don't engage with him again. Focus on being the consistent, loving parent that your girls need because nothing you say or do is going to make him take that role. Give him enough rope to hang himself with. Your daughters will eventually work out who the real parent is if they haven't already

My SiL has one of these. She asked me to help her write a considered response to something he was questioning re the divorce settlement. She sent it, he came back with several reasons why it wouldn't work, even though she had suggested 3 different options they were all dismissed out of hand, even though it was all time sensitive.
After a bit of toing and froing, she just stopped responding. Eventually, because of the time constraints, his solicitor ended up sorting it, which he was pissed off about because it cost him money. But he was so frustrated as she wasn't responding, so he could give her a hard time.

well the good news is your youngest is 15 so you only really need to style this out until she turns 18- get a countdown on your phone! Then you can block him on everything and never need to speak to the fucker again.

I wouldn’t respond at all to his message.

In future I wouldn’t contact him for anything unless you have to. Any communication should be you stating a fact only.

For instance. Rather than saying « It would be great if you could come to parents evening with me on x date »

You would say « The details of parents evening are attached »

In the first sentence you’re expressing an emotion « it would be great » and you’re making a request as if he is doing you a favour.

In the second sentence you’re neither expressing an emotion nor making a request. You’re simply stating a fact. The details are attached. He can do whatever he wants with the info.

Don’t give him ANYTHING more than necessary.

@thegeniussquare i wanted to reply as I have a similar deadbeat in my life who thinks throwing money over is parenting. I completely understand how you feel. I am in no position to advise you as I am still struggling myself with not causing arguments on the back of messages like the one you have received. These men are scum of the earth and misogynistic. You could just reply and say sorry, you assumed he’d be interested in your child’s well-being 100% of the time, as you are. You’re sorry you are mistaken.

but nothing will make someone like that change. I am angry on your behalf.

Do not engage.
He feeds of anytime you contact him, as he then gets to put you down and it feeds his ego.
Ok.
Fine.
Noted.
Use these answers as replies.
Talk to your daughter, explain to her if she needs help you can sort it. That she has almost finished school and once it is done and she has her results, life changes and she gets to decide what happens.

Yes, it's always as well to think 'would I like this read out in court'. I know it won't come to that, but unemotional and brief is the way if you really have to communicate with him.

I'm 10 years into this, I've got better at it!

Can't believe he has the audacity to talk about you taking responsibility, when he only has them for 14% of the time. What a brass neck on him. Please don't take this lying down. He needs his arse handed to him.

Sorry, silly me thinking you were a parent. As a nanny you should be paying me £30 000 and providing free board and lodging. On top of what you pay for the girls.

Actually don't send it, but keep a record of the things you could have said.

This

I would just ignore. He's looking for a fight - you don't have to give it to him.

He pays maintenance so that he pays for half of the things that his children need. You pay the other half.

How does him paying maintenance absolve him from any parenting duties, when you paying half means that you get to do almost ALL of the parenting?

In fact, if you do that maths, he parents them 14% of the time, and you parent them for the other 86%

What an absolute fucktard.

By ignoring this, he will think that he's driven the point home and won. I would send :

" We created 3 children together. You only parent them for 14% of the time, and I do the other 86% of the parenting. Yes, you pay maintenance for YOUR children that YOU created. This is money to pay for things that they need. I also pay for them, because what you send me each month, in no way covers what they actually are costing me to raise. You paying for some of what your children need, doesn't mean that you get to opt out of any parenting when they are with me, if I feel that I need some support. And given the fact that you only have them 14% of the time, you should wind your fucking neck in. And let's not forget, that we are only in this predicament because you couldn't keep your dick in your pants and you broke our marriage vows".

Op, fuck whether he likes emotion. Give it to him with both barrels.

I think you've done the right thing by staying silent but I don't think I would have been able to! Like others have said, soon you'll be free from him. Hold that thought!
Wrt your daughter, is there anything specific going on at school right now?

Keep up the silence and never waiver. Don't give him any ammunition, don't feed the monster. Don't ask him for anything, don't engage. Continue to be the best parent you can be.

@thegeniussquare He thinks you are his staff and you are being paid to care for the children as you he wants .

If you reply you have to be willing and able to stick up for yourself and not back down.
Also the way to deal with someone like him
is tell them as little as possible they wont make your life easier knowing anything , only harder .

Id reply telling him what he is and you are no
longer putting up with him . also that he is paying for his children not you and that he pays that money so he can opt out of parenting .

He is horrible . TelL him little . Don’t reply to him unless no other alternative.
He Doesn’t get to rule your life. On the plus side your daughter is 15 only a few more years to go and you don’t have to speak to hiM at all .

Just picking up on the school refusal bit - my daughter at 14 literally stopped going to school - I had calls virtually every day that she had left school, wouldn't go to classes, etc. Get help - speak to the school - her head of year was incredibly helpful in giving her ways to deal with issues and even ways/places to go when she didn't think/feel she was able to deal with school (within school). It was the start of depression and eventually she got help with CAMHS. Please persevere - my daughter still suffers now but she has just finished a Biology degree at Uni and got the most fantastic GCSE and A levels results and hopefully degree - it just took time and patience (a lot of patience and understanding) but please start by speaking to the school as I know mental health services is a nightmare to access - it may not even be this but reach out for help because from my experience you can't solve this by doing nothing and you don't need to do it on your own. Wishing you luck!!!

All future messages to this dickhead should just say “Noted. Regards, (your name).” Don’t engage. He’s way way more trouble than he’s worth.

I think I'd go with the thumbs up or the simple 'noted, thanks' reply.

Going forward, I'd keep comms short, factual and business like. e.g. if your school contacts you about no attendance just fwd the comms as is with 'FYI'. You won't get any support or help back so better to never expect it.

(But I would also keep the shitty text he sent - just in case it ever comes in useful!)

😂 that seagull is hilarious

My kids used to tell me funny things that happened when they were with dad (before he told them they couldn't) it is fine as long as your not grilling your children about what's going on etc

I'd be so tempted to print that off in BIG FONT and sent multiple copies of it to his BIG IMPORTANT JOB colleagues.

Silence and no response is best here but I have to say I don't like being the bigger person and I'd probably just send a thumbs up emoji because I know that would annoy the hell out of my ex 👍

*However he did have two minor unfortunate occurrences yesterday (same day as the email). His car was locked overnight in an out-of-town car park which closed much earlier than he thought. This will entail a trip to get his car early this morning, which will inconvenience him big time.
And while he was trying to get through to the car park security firm over the phone, a massive seagull kept divebombing him!
My girls said he was screaming and swearing in the street *

I don’t mean for this to sound rude, but how do you know this? I actually think you sound like you still have one foot in this camp. You have 2 grown DC (I think, you haven’t mentioned their ages) and one nearly old enough to deal with him on their own (16?)

Why are you still talking to him? Why do you need to hear information about his day? Can you not tell your DD that you don’t really want to know.

It does seem that you are both talking to each other too much, and it is a bit toxic.