Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

I would reply with 'I do apologise, i had incorrectly assumed that, in addition to paying maintenance, you would wish to be more involved in the more pertinent issues surrounding their care, such as showing signs of school refusal, particularly given how career driven you are. In future I will bear your comments in mind and will endeavour not to consult you when the children are in my care.

Then after that do not respond to any other responses so that you have had the final word. He is an absolute narcissist arrogant misogynistic shitty excuse for a father. If he wants a hands off parenting experience, then so be it. He might find it a bit of a surprise when the girls are old enough to make decisions for themselves and would prefer not to visit him. As they grow older they will respect you for being the one to stick around and deal with them. If and when they have their own families, no doubt you will enjoy a close relationship with them and they will appreciate all the more the sacrifices that you made for them and what a cock their father was for leaving them. Think about the long game here.

P.s. keep the message and similar ones as evidence of his lack of interest in parenting, should your girls decide they'd rather not visit as much.

"Love your girls more than you hate me"

@thegeniussquare

I agree your ex is an absolute twat and the best response is either no response or a thumbs up.

To go back to your daughter you are concerned about - have you spoken to the school or GP about her?

Some information and advice here:

https://www.ipsea.org.uk/school-anxiety

I think I would reply and say you were wondering how many hours a day he practiced in order to be a such a successful arsehole.

I wouldn't bother replying. He's made it clear he doesn't want to parent. Your daughters are old enough to understand what a prick he is. He's making his own bed for alienating his girls. Leave him to it, and be the best parent you can be.

They will be 18 soon and you won’t need to speak to him

Not sure why you would ever involve an arrogant, non-engaging ex-partner in a sensitive immediate-attention required domestic issue, when there's a lot of conflict?

How does it help your child?

It's not like he's going to turn up and build on your parenting, or support mum, or likewise cajole your daughter in a manner you'd approve of?

If you thought your daughter was not going to go to school why didn't you go in late and drop her off?

Why on that day did you think your ex-partner for over a decade, could suddenly drop everything and parachute in to save the day?

Is it that the maintenance payments are shortly to end if your youngest is 15??

There is something fundamentally wrong, in a hostile ex-partner situation, if one parent who hates the other, is calling up and saying can you call round in the next 30min to persuade a child to go to school.

Chatgpt4o:

Dear [Ex-Husband's Name],

Thank you for your message.

I understand that you are frustrated with being drawn into arrangements and prefer not to be involved beyond the maintenance payments. However, our daughter [daughter's name] is currently experiencing significant challenges with school attendance, and it is important for both of us to provide the necessary support.

I want to clarify a few points from your message:

• The phone calls about a money situation during your weekend were due to the immediate need to address the issue for [daughter's name] and not an attempt to disrupt your time.
• Regarding the maintenance payments, I appreciate the financial support you provide. However, our children's needs extend beyond financial aspects, and active parental involvement is crucial for their well-being.
• The reference to the dentist was not about shifting blame. I merely pointed out that I had not received a reminder and would follow up to ensure the girls' appointments were scheduled.

As [daughter's name] is going through a difficult time, it is essential for her to feel supported by both parents. Your involvement, even if it is just a call or a text, can make a significant difference in her feeling secure and valued.

I understand that you have work commitments, as do I. Balancing these responsibilities while addressing our children's needs is challenging, and your cooperation in supporting [daughter's name] will be greatly appreciated.

Please consider taking an active role in communicating with [daughter's name], especially during this critical period. It is not about shifting responsibilities but about ensuring her well-being and future success.

Thank you for your understanding and cooperation.

Best regards,
[Your Name]

OP. My suggestion:

Thank you for your response. I understand your perspective regarding your career and financial contributions. However, our daughter's well-being is a shared responsibility. I would appreciate your assistance in checking in with her, as it is critical for her to feel supported by both parents during this challenging time.

This has made me cackle very loudly in public and I'm not sorry 😂

I'd be a sarcastic sweaty word and reply something along the lines of "oh silly me, here's me thinking you are their parent but if parenting your child is too much effort then you really are just a sperm donor"

Absolutely this!
He doesn't want to parent in any way, thinks maintenance absolves him of it so give him exactly what he wants.
If he messages you during his weekend with the kids I'd completely ignore it unless an emergency. If he kicks up a fuss I'd calmly tell him he gets to parent 2 days out of 14. They're his days to crack on. He's a knob! X

I hope he realises that if it were to ever get to the stages of parent being fined for non attendance he would be fined too. Your text message would be proof that he was aware and you tried to get him to support his daughter.

This 👆As a PP said, just ignore it and rise above it. He’s a twat!

if he’s someone who’s allways right ( prick) it makes sense that he’s acting this way because you were the one who caught him doing WRONG! He’ll allways scorn you for that. Take the money and let the situation pan out. Good luck 💯❤️🙌

He truly is a weapons-grade asshole.

I would waste not a second more on trying to get him involved as a parent. It's clear he has no interest and an extremely limited understanding of how to parent at best, so even if he could be pressured into contributing, I don't think he would add value to the situation in any way and would quite possibly make it worse.

The sum total you can expect from him is that he pays maintenance and shared costs on time and provides a roof, food and power during the times he has the girls in his "care" (aka bare minimum). That seems realistic.

Expecting/asking for anything more will almost certainly only give him an opportunity to speak to you contemptuously and frustrate your hopes because he can (emotional abuse).

From personal experience, I suspect the reason you keep trying to engage him is that on very rare occasions when it is no inconvenience to him/makes him look extremely good in front of someone he wants to impress, or he wants something in exchange, he actually does engage, giving you false hope that he might be 'seeing the light'. If this is the case, I've found it's much less stressful overall to just assume he will not engage/will let you down and therefore not bother asking in the first place.

In a funny way, I think my ex being an utter asshole has helped me become a better parent and to get better at my own self-care. I have fully absorbed the idea that my kids only have one parent who they can genuinely count on to be there for them, so I have to look after myself really well so that I can be that person, instead of someone who is struggling because I am stressed and feeling snappy.

A difficult situation to be in OP but you are in control of it. Why are you using texting as a form of communication with your ex? I understand it is easier but that’s part of the problem. Keep communication with this person to an absolute minimum. Ask nothing from him and do not bite when he throws any abuse at you. He is trying to get a rise out of you. My best advice… use e-Mail to communicate (and only when you really have to). It puts more power into your hands and shows that he is not deserving of a space on your notifications as he is quite frankly unimportant and a money source only (from his statements). You don’t deserve to be treated like that. I hope you take my advice as I believe it will truly transform things for your situation and at the very least bring about some peace. You will soon be wiping your hands of him altogether when youngest is a little bit older and you can crack open a bottle of champers to celebrate that day 🥳

He only has them every other weekend then moans when you're doing all the rest and working and inform him of his children's issues?! What a selfish arse and sounds like he's so far up it to appreciate what you do. Xx

Sorry, I've got no unemotional reply for you either!
I have an ex like yours, I ignored and replied on very short unemotional responses until one day I snapped and let rip at him. And my God it felt soooo good!
No help, but lots of solidarity 💐

Maintenance is him paying for the kids. Not the time and effort u have to put into them. He’s not paying you for your services. He’s paying for his share of the money it takes to raise them. He’s an asshole and I would text ‘ thank you for the gracious input that didn’t help the situation at all. You do not pay for my services to parent from you, you pay for the upkeep of your kids, your own share. So if there is something going on with the kids I expect you to put your big boy pants on and get ready to parent the children we BOTH decided to have. Okay thank you.’

It sounds like your ex is my ex! I wish they’d break that mould to save future generations. From experience replying is wasted energy. He will use anything you say against you down the line. Hopefully your children are growing up realising this isn’t an emotionally healthy type of person to get involved with. Fill their lives with as many positive role models as possible. Now I find it very satisfying to ignore him. He does things to provoke me like failing to send our child a card for their 18th birthday. He sent a picture of it written out and called it an e-card. How a successful business man can justify failing to get a card posted is something I’ll never know.

Wow just wow. Please just ignore him and never message him again for support or help. He sounds like an absolute k*^b. I literally feel annoyed for you.

"Last I checked, paying maintenance is to put a roof over the children's heads and food in their bellies which you are legally obligated to do, it's not to absolve you of actually parenting your kids. You're a dad so act like one"