Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

I actually think you should reply to collect the receipt on how much of a rubbish parent he is so that you can use it against him later in for any custody battles etc.

To tick him off you should keep the tone professional. Articulate every email how to put him in a bad light in court.

"Thanks for the reply that you believe your parenting responsibilities end when the girls are with me. If I understand correctly from your response you do not wish to be updated when the girls are in my care and in particular, do not want to to participate discussing or being involved with their educational welfare.

Can you please confirm by reply email that this is the arrangement you would like going forward? That you would like to dissolve your parental responsibilities over the girl's education and limit your parental rights to what happens during your allocated weekends? That will be much appreciated if this is clear to help both my day to day parental decisions and also clear to the girls what your parental responsibilities you want to be limited to."

Child support is payable until the child’s 19th birthdays as long as the child is in full time non advanced education . So it’s pretty unlikely that payments will end soon for a 15 year old.

Im letting you know this so you can avoid looking silly by asking another mother this in such a passive aggressive manner. No doubt you think that you are super duper clever, trying to oh so subtly imply that any resident parent asking a NRP to care for their own child is obviously only doing it for the money.

And she wasn’t asking the children’s father to “ parachute in and save the day “ or “ suddenly drop everything “. She was asking him to call or text his own daughter.

Not exactly too onerous , one would have thought.

I know it’s better to ignore but I love this!

“Maintenance payments represent the proportion of your salary that you would otherwise spend on the children if you lived with them full time. They are a financial contribution. The payments do not negate your parental responsibility - legally or morally - outside of your allotted weekends. As such, I’d appreciate if you messaged (child) at X time to check in on her.”

I’m wondering if it would be worth sending replies ‘to clarify things’ (only so you can save his responses)?

eg Just to clarify - would you prefer I don’t update you on things concerning the children on the days they aren’t with you?

Would you prefer they always make their way to yours on public transport rather than you collect them?

And save ...

Does he also present himself to the outside world as a great dad? Sun shines out of his arse? Just wondering

Mine certainly does.

Oh my goodness, were you married to my ex H?!

The tone is exactly the same, even down to the terse, bossy instruction starting with ‘Please’ and ending in ‘Thank you’ (so you can’t accuse him of being rude and unreasonable). It is uncanny.

It’s a particular way of gaslighting in my opinion — my ex H has this annoying ability to make me feel like I’m the one who’s done everything wrong. Sometimes I even believe it. Your screenshot has made me feel better that there are other dicks out there like this, so thank you.

(Btw, my tactic is to ignore as much as possible. Let him think on it. And DON’T let it affect how you feel about yourself.)

Does he also present himself to the outside world as a great dad? Sun shines out of his arse? Just wondering.

OP such brilliant advice on here, the 'you have me confused with UBER' deserved a 'so sorry, I had you confused as a caring father'. Your now no response only via email, perfect, what a waste of oxygen he is. Good luck!

I’d love to

Bloody hell OP he's vile. Your poor daughters having a father who thinks it's acceptable to speak to their Mum the way he does.
He's really nasty and sounds so arrogant! What are your daughters relationship like with him? Well done for not retaliating and ignoring the arrogant pig!

It’s a really tough thing to accept/learn to do but very freeing once you do.

Some people are simply not willing or possibly even capable of care/consideration/empathy at a level that most of us think of as normal or easy enough to achieve. Like, they’re really, really not and no amount of logic or wheedling or trying to “manage” them will change that.

You’ve had kids with one of them. This realization sucks suuuuper hard (not least because it makes you feel that by having kids with a disengaged father you’ve also failed them in some way) but you end up feeling so much better once you process it.

My ex is a passive-aggressive shitshow and a Disney Dad at best, but now that I’ve fully accepted who he is, I just roll my eyes and laugh at his arrogance and pettiness. They used to stress me out and I would spend hours ruminating on why he couldn’t just be normal and cooperate, and I kept trying to “fix” the situation with carefully worded messages etc.

It’s an absolute waste of time and energy. Now I try to approach everything as though I am effectively a solo parent and that mindset change has been really good for me. In a weird way it almost makes your ex’s minimal contributions feel like a win rather than a loss. Of course I don’t thank him for doing the bare minimum but my own mindset is far more chill.

Yes, absolutely

I would keep it short:

Take some responsibility for your own children.

@thegeniussquare some people just don't understand how utterly debilitating it is to have to deal with these narcissistic arseholes.

My friend is going through hell with her father who she unwittingly went into business with, it's bloody horrendous and I really feel for you. Not biting is the best way but totally understand that sometimes it's the last straw when you've taken so much shit from them.

Weaponising maintence payments for his children is the pits. Hopefully once they are independent you'll have even less reason to talk to him. What an absolute shithouse!

🤔

You have my full sympathy. This man is garbage and you can't make him act like a decent father just as you couldn't make him act like a decent husband.

My advice would be to block him and tell your daughters that any access arrangements need to be made directly between themselves and their dad. If the youngest is 15, they are all old enough to do this. Cut him out of your life for your own peace of mind.

But I thought he may be able to rise above that for his child.

@thegeniussquare I think you would be doing yourself a huge favour if you take the time to seriously consider whether your thinking isgrounded in experience/reality or hope/belief about how things “should be”.

He’s been your ex for 10 years and from the small sampling you’ve included here it seems like there is abundant evidence that he’s not capable or willing to put anyone above himself.

At some point you have to accept that your frustration with the situation is in part due to your refusal to accept reality and work within its limitations, no matter how unfair that may be.

Honestly, this man is such a bell end. I bet that he's loathed in the workplace. However, tables are often turned on these types of bullies and they get their just desserts in the end.

And then also add, that i am sorry to hear about your car being impounded. Perhaps next time take responsibility for checking the car park operating hours. 😉

Aside from the part where you appreciate his financial support. He's not providing you with financial support. He has an obligation to provide for his own children anc you should be made to feel appreciative of that as though he is doing you all a favour.

I’ve changed my mind about ignoring him. I like this response. It’s basically telling him he is being a self important, inadequate prick, but in a particularly intelligent and considered way.

I also find it shocking how many men interpret their obligation to provide financial support for their children as giving money to their Ex (which they resent). It's always seen as having to give 'her' money, rather than money for his children.

I would be showing that text to your dd's teacher and HT. The school need to know that her father is unsupportive. They can probably offer counselling/ support more easily, knowing he is most likely the problem.