Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

He sounds very similar to my ex. I usually give him a thumbs up or a laughing emoji and then ignore any further comments from him

I agree with those saying not to respond at all and I'd never update him on anything from now on tbh - he has said it's all down to you so no helpful communication from now on. He can book them dentist appointments if he's worried they haven't been.

He sounds a total sanctimonious prick and the kind of person who will always want the last word so whatever you say, however neutral and unemotional, he will pick to pieces and instigate a back and forth (based on his ridiculous logic that paying maintenance means he magically has zero responsibility for his DDs 12 days out of 14) and that will only make you feel more frustrated. May as well cut it off now. I really feel for you btw, it's shit.

Laughing emoji is the only possible response.

As you've said, it's not worth your energy. He's a dickhead, you can't change that, any reply you give is going to get you more pissed off.

This.
It's very likely that the main reason he has the children at all is that he can use them as levers to get at you, to cause problems for you. If you stop engaging with him (except at a very basic factual level) you remove his ability to wind you up. He will then get bored and drop out of your life🥳

And and to any of his helpful not helpful reminders such as the dentist I’d reply ‘ all in hand’ every time. Everything else meet with deathly silence.
He sounds so arrogant, my friend’s ex is like this and she used to pander to him ( in that he’d always look angry or miserable collecting/ dropping off dc and she’d ask him if he was ok, he’d blank her so she’d keep asking) Made him 100x worse.
Keep telling yourself the end is in sight, you’ll be rid of him.

Just completely disengage, radio silence. If you absolutely ever have to interact with him, just be cheerful and minimal in what you say, it will kill him but make you feel fantastic and you will eventually forget about him. Not long to go now, your kids will grow and you will have decades of wonderful freedom.

remember as in any situation, with colleagues, customers, family, BELLENDS HATE BEING IGNORED, it destroys what drives them, just smile to yourself and disengage!

I’m petty so I would reply with….

I understand. Parenting the girls stops for you as soon as they’re not with you. Given that you’re a great Dad that cares for the girls mental wellbeing, I thought you might be interested in important issues. I have obviously somehow misunderstood this and I will make it a priority to not interrupt you in future. Have a great day! P.s thanks for the maintenance, that should sort out all the problems.

If you must reply, I’d say something like:

”you don’t pay maintenance to absolve yourself of your duties to your children on my days. You pay maintenance to share the financial burden the children on my days. children don’t exist on a timeshare basis. The non-financial burdens exist 24/7 and will do for the rest of our days. You’ve just put in writing that you pay maintenance in order to have no non-monetary responsibility for our children other than on the four days per month for which you don’t pay maintenance. I’ll deal with [child] today as best as I can”

I absolutley one hundred percent understand how you feel, and how infuriating and unfair it is to be in this position, but in truth, there is no message that you can send that will get your point across or to make you understood by someone who is fully commited to misunderstanding you, and twisting every situation.

Breathe, and ignore. And resolve not to ask for his help, because for the one time he might actually be reasonable and provide assistance, there will be ten times like this that zap your energy and take up your brain space for a couple of days trying to think of retorts.

Save your energy. Honestly. He's a prick, he always will be. He's never going to be any different. The only thing you can change is your expectations of him.

That is the best and only reply to give

I completely agree with this (I also have a dickhead exH).

Hold in mind that you don't have to JADE - Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain. I know you feel like you want to, but no reply is the best reply

Do not reply
Do not engage
Water off a ducks back
Ignore

Ooh I don’t agree with above. I would reply.
Something like..

STXH, I (and the UK legal system) consider education as critical for DC’s future. I will continue to hightlight any risk of school refusal so you can support her access to the education she needs and deserves.

I would just reply with a laughing face & that's it! Because he is a joke & it will prob annoy him even more lol

My ex was like this. I gave up involving him in anything and let him do any contact. He and DS have not spoken in over a year and DS is all the happier for it.

Personally I’d just keep them all and give them to your kids when adults to confirm what an absolute arsehole he is.

Send a thumbs up and don’t interact with him again. You are free.

Cockwomble.

Honestly? Don't stoop. He's spoiling for a fight. Don't give him one.

Narcissism they have the disease those around them suffer. Give no oxygen.

I'd ignore all messages in future.

Please don't judge me. I have had enough of dealing with everything on my own
I'm not judging you at all. Of course you've had enough of doing everything on your own. You absolutely deserve help.
He should help but he's a waste of space man child ridiculous reprehensible cunt. If you need him for anything he will use that need as leverage to damage exploit you jerk you around make life difficult for you.

I'd ignore that bollocks.

I’ve got a pet dick head too.
The best response is nothing at all.
This type of person thrives on attention and the fact that their behaviour is causing you distress, just don’t engage with him - he’ll enjoy it too much and you’ll get nowhere.
Don't depend upon him for anything.
look after yourself and your children.

Don't do this however tempting it is, it makes you look silly and puerile.