Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

It’d be a 👍 from me to that peach of a message

rather agree with this

"Here is your gold medal 🏅for taking first prize in the 2024 Cuntathlon. Shame you didn't even make the qualifiers for fatherhood. Now fuck off."

Sadly that's probably not a message that is going to help....

Don't reply and stop engaging with him. He is a nasty little man who gets his kicks by making cheap shots at you.

Stop giving him the ammunition.

Please ignore - it will wind him up much more.

Moving forward I would stop messaging him full stop. You sound like a good mum. You don't need his passive aggressive advice/help with parenting - so don't ask for it.

He will be spitting feathers if school refusal and any potential fines land on his doormat…… what a plant pot!!

My ex thought his crappy 500 a month bought his way out of parenting as well. Now has two children (adults) who don’t bother with him!

"Noted"

That's all I'd reply.

I get similar messages, ignore even though it boils your piss (as it does mine). Radio silence is the only way! Oh and he's an absolute cunt.. he can take that to the grave!

"If you feel paying maintenance abstains you from parenting then ok.

I have always encouraged you to have an active role in your daughter's life. If you prefer to make it a monetary-only relationship then that's something she and I will have to accept "

And then do not inform him of anything ......

What I most wanted to do to my ex was shoot him in the face at point blank range, but of course that would have been hugely counterproductive.

Wow what a prick. How do your girls get on with him? I'm betting he's a Disney dad for his 2 days a fortnight and chucks all sorts of expensive stuff in their direction.
At 15 my kids were making their own arrangements for contact. I'd completely withdraw from communicating with him now. Presumably they have phones so he can call them, and you never need to read his knobish messages again.

I also like this response

This. This is what 👍 was invented for.

Arrrrggghhhh I'm so angry on your behalf OP @thegeniussquare !

But yep, agree with everyone who has said ignore him. And don't involve him in anything at all ever again (unless life threatening). You will never get the reaction you want and it will just wind you up more and more.

You can't make someone care about something if they don't.

That message is absolutely infuriating

I can feel my BP rising and he's not even my ex

Everyone else is right - do not give his reply any oxygen. Ignore ignore ignore

If you must reply - the MN thumbs up 👍 or "noted"

Some of the suggested replies are great but he will not react the way you want.

As pp have said, there's not reply that will make him see reason and he may well take anything you say out of context to use against you (like the dentist comment). So best to say nothing.

Just so you know though, I have worked with a number of men like this and they are so confident in their own self importance that they don't even think to cover up what arseholes they are so the likelihood is that everyone around him also thinks he's a dick. I had colleagues who would brag about saying things like this to their ex wives and about the shitty way they treated their ex and children. They clearly thought it made them look clever and other people would agree with them. There was one who frequently commented that his ex had been a 'starter wife', good enough for when he wanted children and was working his way up the career ladder but now he needed someone better. He also bragged that his ex and children had to do what he said because he paid their bills, and joked about intentionally making things awkward for them (eg insisting on taking the DC on holiday the same time as he knew they had other plans) because he could. He was shocked when his DC were young adults and they didn't want anything to do with him.

Your poor girls…. One day when they are old enough you can show them written proof that he literally “opted out”. What a heartless prick.

He is a dick head but I think that he’s right. The current CM/child contact system is set up so that paying CMS maintenance (the bare minimum) is seen as a sign of a good dad even if they don’t see the kids. Lots of divorced dads only see themselves as parents when they physically see the child only.

There’s another thread about CM where women are saying outrageous like things why should the ex pay CM so that the RP can work when work is a choice 🤯 because many see it as completely acceptable that NRP compartmentalise their time like that. it’s a waste of time contacting your ex about parenting issues as he like many others, see payment of CM as abdication of parental responsibilities too.

Yanbu to expect better but your ex’s attitude isn’t unusual ime - even from women.

This is what my nieces dad was like to my sister and honestly the urge to reply calling him a fucking cunt was very very strong and it nearly broke my sister. I told her to redirect her anger to me via text about him because he loved nothing more than getting a reaction and by doing that we ended up laughing about how much of a complete nob he is and you should see my sister now lol she takes no shit from him and if he starts she just completely ignores him now and he fucking hates that lol it's got to the point now where he has wound his neck in because he knows one cocky smug word and he gets cut off. It's so hard to ignore an arrogant prick but it became so easy knowing how much it got to him and it gave my sister some power back.

Don't respond.

From now on if he asks anything about dental appointments, medical appointments, school or whatever simply send him one message to ask his own daughters directly as they are old enough and ignore any further messages.

This is because all your DDs are old enough to speak to their father directly without your interference.

Your DDs are also all Gillick competent so while you may have to arrange appointments for them due to the individual healthcare practitioners system they can refuse to attend, refuse to have treatment or go on their own.

I think this is the way to respond!!

This is the way to do it, brief polite factual. Politely dismiss him in as few words as possible and then go about your day.
You will have to let go of any hope or expectation that he will improve and that is very hard, but it's better to face facts.

"I'm sorry, I had forgotten you are so much more important than the children you so kindly donated nothing more than your sperm and 4 days a month to, please accept my apologies for thinking you actually had any interest in anyone but yourself"

Please @thegeniussquare congratulate yourself on getting rid of a huge narcissist of a twat. What a prick. How dare you take his precious time. God I'd want to deck him.

I wouldn't bother mocking him, just be factual and business like. Keep it brief, no emotion at all. If you express any emotion you are showing him how you are feeling and that gives him information that he will use against you.
Be the grey rock, anything else feeds his ego and gives him ammunition to use against you.
He's a worthless nothing, stop treating him as if he's important.

Give him an appropriate name. "Skin tag" will do. It is something annoying and unsightly that is attached to you and will fall off when you cut off its supply.

Minimal to zero communication. You don't need it.

"I see. Noted, thanks".