Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

I feel for you @thegeniussquare because you have tried to be friendly, positive and promote a co-operative, businesslike approach to parenting. His response is to address you as if he is your boss and you are an irritating inept subordinate.

Just remember, he isn't your boss, you don't have to speak to him every day or even every week (the children are old enough to arrange their own contact now) and once you get that into your head, it will be natural to laugh at his pomposity and deluded arrogance.

I would Ignore the text but anonymously send him some kippers in the post. Preferably on a day I knew he was going away for a fortnight.

You made the right call OP .

Next time you think she isn’t going in advise him again but ignore all bitchy replies . Just cover your back . You’ve told him , the lack of interest is on him .

Good luck with DD and school

Wow! What an utter … I would not reply at all

How ridiculous.
It's as much his responsibility as the op if their daughter isnt going to school. Doesn't matter whose 'time' it is. And since he only sees his kids at weekends he's never going to have to actively deal with the stressful school mornings is he?
You don't just throw maintenance at your ex and decide that gives you the right to opt out of parenting.

This is why it’s good to get in writing that despite you wanting to update him on what you consider to be major issues, he would rather not be involved.
Then he can’t accuse of you of not updating him as you were just abiding by his wishes.

If I were going to respond it would be one sentence, something along the lines of 'parenting doesn't stop at maintenance payments' and leave it at that. You've made your point but given him nothing else to pick apart. He isn't worth the time it would take to type out the reams of abuse he deserves.
He sounds like an incredibly arrogant, pig headed man who will never be in the wrong no matter how eloquently you word it.

Thank Christ he’s an ex. Youngest nearly 15, not long to go, just keep breathing, OP. You’ll soon be free of this haemorrhoid in human form. Better times are ahead xx

He’s an absolute dickhead, but don’t worry Karma will bite him on the arse soon. I agree, don’t reply and just engage with him in the future unless it is literally life or death- asking him to do stuff which he can then refuse or do badly just gives him power or, as you’ve seen, he will throw it back in your face or use it against you. Make an inner resolution never to ask him for anything ever again. I can’t imagine that anyone like that who clearly has selfish knob imprinted in every cell of his body would have said anything very useful anyway.

This is good too! Even if you aren’t going to use his messages against him, might make him wonder what you might do with his message.
awful man.

You need to take back control of the dialogue OP. Because it seems from his message, his percieved status as the important one with the Big Job and general attitude, that he believes he is in charge and sets the agenda and tone. So play him at his own game. Address him as you would a colleague (a slightly junior one at that, which where parenting is concerned, is exactly what he is to you) present the facts and tell him what is required of him. You can't make him do it, but you can establish some equality in communication at least. So rather than 'would you mind checking in with DD?" Go with 'DD needs a check in from you today. Please update me as necessary'. If nothing else you'll have the satisfaction of knowing he'll be furious!

DO NOT respond. The best way to deal with Narcissists is to not engage. They thrive off conflict, so don't give it to them.

And frankly, I wouldn't bother trying to involve him in parenting either....if he's anything like my ex, I actually spent more time trying to engage him than just doing it myself and he was getting pleasure out of not doing things or doing them poorly just to irritate me. Now that all his kids (mine plus 3 others) are adults, none of them have talked to him for years.

Why are you sending him emails asking him to check in with your daughter? If I was him, I’d be taking a pretty dim view of that. It’s not up to you to manage how he engages with his children.

I appreciate your daughter is suffering, but fake concern from her dad is not going to help.

All of the responses that people have given you will just look like sanctimonious whingeing in his eyes and further reinforce his idea of you as a hopeless case.

I'd have to ask him if he knows that he comes over as a pompous prick.

I wouldn't contact him again, ever.

Nothing to add but sounds similar to my POS ex. Any excuse to remind me of maintenance he pays (which is often late/ inconsistent/ refuses to pay) Disgusting behaviour

I’d also start sending him bills for child related expenses. Maintenance is your wage right? So asshole, here are the other expenses. Thank you tinkly laugh.

"Thank you for that written confirmation"

The word "written" might make him think something is up, of course it isn't but he doesn't know that.

And if he messages you asking what on earth do you mean by that, THEN you ignore him!

My ex husband is the same. Ignore him. Never ask him to be involved with the children. It’s called parallel parenting.

What you might want to do is get therapy for your daughter and have him pay 100% of it. Also if he is a millionaire can’t he afford school fees? Boarding school solves the school refusal very fast. Shouldn’t be a problem with his wealth eh?

Watch him clam up tighter than a clams arse.

I would just reply. 'I'll take that as a no then.' @thegeniussquare

He doesn’t see the world as you do and you won’t be able to reason with him. If he wanted to be reasonable, you’d be discussing supporting your kids together. He’d show concern, he wouldn’t need asking. Sorry it’s shit. My ex was not reasonable in other ways. Finally when there was no financial tie left and 2 were over 18. I blocked him after another one of his rants at me. I started to type replies and defend myself.

This is what I usually send tbh because the extra bit never lands where I want it to and he either thinks he's 'won' and is smug in reply or gets annoyed and unleashes the psycho... so yeah, it's usually 'noted' and that's about it!