Please help me compose a reply to my (difficult) ex-husband

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this utter bullshit. I am angry on your behalf.

The thing is, he knows his reply is inflammatory and outrageous and that’s exactly what he intended it to be. He knows this will cause a huge emotional response within you, but please do not rise to the bait.

The power is with you now because you get to decide how to respond from here. The moment you reply, you bat that power back to him.

I hope you can get some support with this, like counselling perhaps. I feel it’s so important to have an outlet when you are dealing with someone so difficult. You sound like a wonderful strong mum. Please do not let this pathetic weasel have the last laugh.

Totally agree with this. There is no point in a reply. It may only aggreavate further nasty correspondance. You are the real parent here, he is an A hole.
On a side note i know how difficult it is to get a teen up and the worry you have about schooling, try to keep positive communication with your daughter and let it be her decision. If she doesnt make it its on her not you. Communicate your issues with school. I have been through it.

I think this is a very mature response. You look like the grown up who is attempting to keep things civil.
Ongoing I think you should continue to make your ex aware, in a very factually based way, of all issues he should be aware of as a parent, but otherwise not engage at all.
Re the non school attendance this is more important than he ever will be to you. Can you try things like in the evening when there’s time where do you want to be in 5 years time? University students who study (her interests) have opportunities in so many fields including xxx Or give her in fantasy what she wants. Yes wouldn’t it be lovely for us to both not go in. If I could I would take you on an outing to (somewhere fab). Shall we have a lie in on x day because we do need to go in today. Not sure on your child but the How to Speak So Teens will Listen is a really useful book. Good luck OP

The chippees hat is fabulous, but I wouldn’t stoop to spend a cent on him. (Tbf, if I was carrying a glass of water and his hair was on fire, I’d drink it.) If you organise birthday/christmas/Father’s Day presents and cards from the kids, I would pull the plug on that and simply stop communicating unless he speaks to you first respectfully and nicely. Maybe via an app or email.

I thought I would share this as well… This is a customer service context but she has a magical way of communicating to aggressive idiots on the phone.

https://vt.tiktok.com/ZSYDbxst7/

Fathers' day present?
Seagulls round here love chips :)

Father's day gift? It could come very handy in combating his seagull problem.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/HAWKS-WORK-Control-Airplane-Beginners/dp/B0C2J5936N/ref=asc_df_B0C2J5936N/?tag=googshopuk-21&linkCode=df0&hvadid=658875331196&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2158924646289236810&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=m&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9180614&hvtargid=pla-2194991968931&psc=1&mcid=461376b168de3d52973a0b65eecd1626

Gawd, you must be so tempted to splatter him with honey and tip a bag of bird seed on his head.

I’m team no-reply but I actually love your response.

Me too! Were we all married to the same man??

OMG OP big hugs!! the only thing that dick did was give you your 3 beautiful children. Your children will realise what a tosser their dad is in time. You've got this you are a strong independent woman.

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, but on the school refusal side, there's only a year left before GCSE's, can you get her to go in for Science and English (assuming it's AQA) only? Everything else she could study at home, or using apps, you might be able to get funding towards them from the LA, especially if you can get and EOTAS (Education Other Than At School) arrangement put in place, please feel free to PM me if you want any specific advice on courses etc. Hopefully whatever is making her feel like she's not okay in school will be easier in a year when she's off to college. There is a facebook group called 'Not fine in School' or something very similar where you would be able to get some good support.

💐 ❤

I have an ex who behaves in exactly the same way. When my youngest was 13 he said the kids were now adults and there was no need for me to communicate with him about them… in lockdown he sent them out for takeaway without me knowing, rather than have them come into his house. When I had to go to the CMS to secure maintenance (he is a relatively high earner), he sent me an email calling me greedy and selfish then blocked me on all lines of communication. In truth, he was always manipulative and when his power of manipulation was removed by the CMS (I tried to do things on friendly terms, but he used money as a threat) he lost it completely.
I’m telling you all this because what I learned is there is no use trying to extract reasonable behaviour from someone who has no reason. As my councillor told me, you can only control how you behave.
I’ve dealt with a whole barrel of emotional and well being issues with my daughter, including school refusal. In our case, the root cause turned out to be anxiety caused by undiagnosed autism. What you can do is try and accept you will have to deal with it alone, get on with supporting her and getting to the bottom of her anxiety around school and I promise, one day you’ll look back with pride at how you have dealt with everything. The ex makes it more complicated, you can do this without him.

Hello, this would be my reply, I admit it’s definately passive aggressive, I wasn’t trying be but I guess I am.
reply:
ex husbands name,
thank you for your response.
I will speak with the children about the money situation, I apologise for missing your calls. I will ask them not to discuss issues like this with you if you feel unable to deal with it.
How I feel about the maintenance payments is irrelevant, it is used for the care and support of our children, so that I as their primary caregiver can maintain a decent quality of life for them.
I share information (“issues”)with you because we are coparenting.
I apologise that you misunderstood my answer to your question about the dentist appointment, they usually have a reminder system that very helpful, I was merely trying to answer your question.
With regards to DD15 school attendance I will talk with her, I’m sure I’ll be able to figure it out and provide any support needed, she knows she can talk to me about anything.
Please let me know if you require any updates.
I’ll let you get back to work.

Yours sincerely,

thegeniussquare

side note I saw a really helpful article about how get your kids to open up to you, it said go for a walk with them, side by side and just talk about random stuff and hopefully that will lead to them feeling comfortable enough to share bigger stuff.
and I try to remember to tell my daughter that I love her no matter what, she can tell me anything, she won’t get in trouble, I just want to listen, maybe I can help or I’ll just listen if you want to vent.
if it’s possible (and won’t get anyone in too much trouble) have a sick day and just hang out doing stuff you both enjoy x
whatever happens I think you’re doing brilliantly, and you are there for her every day x so please feel proud of yourself xxx

100%. Most of the suggestions for comebacks are just a waste of time with someone like this (my ex could be his twin). Minimal contact, and straight to the point otherwise my blood pressure would go through the roof. I’ve thrown things in frustration at the responses I’d get (in private of course but as a release). Even now, kids grown, he’s still the same (thankfully contact very minimal) but I no longer need to care and the kids have a good handle on his character now. People like this don’t change, there’s something missing in their humanity.

I know I keep saying it but your ex’s responses are exactly the same as my ex’s, it’s like they are twins 😬 I even used to respond by giving an example of what a decent response would be rather than the one he gave. It’s uncanny.

Sod the seagull jokes. Is there some sort of seagull fanciers club you could sign him up to the mailing list for!?

Love this!!!

Absolutely agree with this. In my experience, you’ll never win.

Sorry, if you do want to reply to him here is what I would say:

Dear Twatface ( not this bit obvs)

"You are responsible for your daughter's emotional and practical needs.

Making (predictable) maintenance jibes is neither helpful nor mature.

Making personal jibes towards me is neither helpful nor mature.

Please take responsibility and support your daughter's emotional needs today which costs you nothing."

I'm so sorry you're having to deal with this. I don't know the circumstances of your split, but he sounds very bitter and resentful. Unfortunately many men think paying maintenance for their kids absolves them of parenthood and he is one of them. I would ignore him and keep the message as evidence of his appalling behaviour. Maintenance is for the physical financial upkeep of looking after children. You could point this out to him, but as he's a bully, he would probably retort with a nasty reply. Being a parent and caring for your children is an unpaid job meant to be undertaken for love. He obviously doesn't see it that way. I also don't think he's coping very well with his high flying job by the sound of it.

I'm sorry your daughter is struggling at school, mine did too. Every morning it was a mission to get her up and ready for school, every evening at pick up she would complain like mad about how awful it was, the teachers, the other pupils, you name it. She got on a lot better at college so maybe you could consider that for your daughter. Is she being bullied do you think? Could she have adhd or autism? The latter show up very differently in girls. It turns out both my daughters have adhd and I hadn't a clue because years ago nobody thought girls could have adhd.

It could also be a phase she is going through, you sound like a brilliant Mum so I'm sure you will both work it out. Good luck love.

I really feel for you. My ex is like this but he pays no money at all towards our child. (So I guess in your situation I’d see him a source of income only and emotionally disengage from him as a human.)

My ex throws grenades from the sidelines. If I want to take her on holidays, he will agree then object so I have to get a court order so he can’t stop my taking her out of the country. I put her in private school (at my cost) and he tried to prevent that to.

With this kind of person, they just look for any way to cause hurt or problems. They resent being left and us divorcing them so they will never be able to relate in a neutral way. I just focus on the fact that one day I will be able to have absolutely no contact with him.

Can I just add to my previous statements please?

I’m so glad that @thegeniussquare extricated herself and her kids from a living situation with the kind of environment this utter wankstain would create!!! Well done!

👏👏👏

I had a father like this. He actually said to me do u know how much my time is worth to me as a child.
I like the Thanks for your written confirmation and then radio silence
Another tactic with narcissists is to repeat their lies back to them as facts. maintenance covers the emotional aspect of parenting 🤭imagine you can just be transactional about everything worshipping the money God. The blood sweat and tears of parenting and all that common shared groundwork is priceless and a very strong bond ❤️that is to have truly made your presence alive in your daughters lives.

Having dealt with this kind of dude, I can assure you that all that will happen is he will “politely” deflect, deny, insist that you have gotten him wrong, accuse you of creating drama and refuse to engage in general.

OP could waste hours of her life on this kind of bullshit for nothing more than the vanishingly small possibility that it might help in some future court case, which, given the youngest child is 15, will never come to pass here.