I just don't know what to do...

you know him but I wouldn’t rise to ‘I’m never going back there’. I’d just carry on as you were, if he asks what’s happening you say you’re moving in there as the rental is ending. If he wants to arrange selling it or some other alternative arrangement he can talk to you about it but he can’t run away from it. Present it like you would to a kid - it’s a done deal, bright and breezy, you’re getting on with life as that’s the option you’ve got at the moment.

I feel posters have been really unfair to your DH who is having a mental health crisis. I totally can get to the point he's at. Try to encourage him to get mental health support. And if he can't move in rent it out or suggest you are only going to move in for a time limited period.

Can you afford to stay in rented for another few months while you do some more of the work on it?

I did this. We’d done our old place up on a smaller scale so I wasn’t a total stranger to it all but there was a week where DH was away and I phoned him every day in hysterics saying I wanted to sell it/run/burn it down. I got over it and a month later it hit him, he was more of a depression than my wailing though.

I think it was just a shock to move from our old place and area, I’m not normally a drama queen at all, but it was almost like grief where I couldn’t quite control it. If he’s normally relatively sane I’d make comforting noises and give it a bit of time, but don’t let him do anything rash!

You know a persons true colours when the chips are down and him having a self indulgent breakdown and weak.

Remind him how people copes after the Blitz and he needs to man up and both of you tackle this together.

It may take a lot longer to get the house how you want but as long as you have electric and running water hot and cold and a roof over your head you have a home.

The fact he wants to throw it all away shows he is utterly spineless.

You can't just hand your keys to the bank in the US, either.

Sympathy OP, ive had a similar experience but i was your DP.
Bought my first house this year. I'd saved for years, never dreamed I'd be able to buy an actual house instead of a flat. The house needs work and more work than we thought. I didn't want a house that needed more than paint, and I misjudged how much work this house would need, but we fell in love with this one, its potential/location/structure etc.
I've no experience of DIY, and don't have the budget for it either. Coupled with my partner felt completely differently and had a different approach which drove me up the wall and we had many, many arguments. Terrible arguments with storming out of the house, so much drama and it felt relentless.
I looked into selling this house, renting it, anything. I found that I wouldn't be able to sell until I lived here 6 months, we'd have an early repayment charge on the mortgage, and the lender would change our interest rate if we wanted to rent, so that would be costly and not the ideal solution. Honestly I just realised I don't want to ruin my finances so I had to adjust and make the best of it quickly. It was sad to feel this way when I'd dreamed about my own home for decades and it wasn't the fairy tale I expected.

Fast forward a few months. I love our house, even though I don't know how we will afford to do everything we'd like to, to it. Together we made a short term and long term list of everything. Short term is easy, cheap things whilst we save money for the bigger things one day. We've spent time painting rooms which has been a temporary fix until they get completely redone one day (plaster, carpets etc) and that has really helped me settle. Honest talks with the partner about what needs to be done/how we will do it. He would just get stuck in and try to do some DIY that he doesn't know how to do, wanting to make it better for me but leaving a mess that made me feel worse. I've asked him to stop doing that and let's risk assess everything before he starts.

Appreciate our situations may not be the same but I really feel for both of you, it's overwhelming and awful.

No judgement but why did you buy it? What made yous want to buy it.

For what it's worth we bought a 200yr old house without knowing the first thing. Quickly became apparent the heating, electrics etc needed redoing and things always seem better when you see furniture in rooms.

If its purely cosmetic you just take it room by room. You buy a house but you make a home.

He sounds a pain, frankly. He caves in at the first sight of pressure and wants you to resolve the problem. He'll be complaining if you sell the house and make a loss, too.

In the end all you can do is tell him you're moving in and will have to sort everything out on your own, but if you do have to do that, then he should consider the relationship to be at an end.

Unfortunately its a pain renovating and living with it. Make a couple of spaces into a completely finished space so you have a sanctuary and be ruthless about keeping them clean and tidy. Does he work at home? Prioritise office space, sleeping space, living room and one bathroom.

Move in yourself, alone if necessary, get him into counselling.

Sorry OP he needs to get over himself and join the tram again. Choices have consequences and mistakes happen. Get the house done and then promise to sell if needed.

Tell him to grow a pair. Surely he had some idea of the work needed? I mean, he didn't suddenly realise it had no roof did he. I'm afraid his depression isn't a get out of jail free card to give you hell and come up with stupid arsed ideas. He's an adult capable of buying a house, he needs to take joint responsibility and stop dribbling in a corner.

This. Whatever you do, don't twist yourself into knots trying to fix this. I'm assuming you both made the choice to purchase the house?
Don't make yourself responsible for him. He is an adult and you are not his Mum.

He doesn't have the option of handing the keys over to someone because he's changed his mind, that's not how it works.

Renovating property can be really stressful and yes there will be times you're pulling your hair out especially if you're living in it. My advice would be not to take him too seriously, unless you're genuinely worried about his mental health in which case he needs professional help obviously but to get in there and get one room done. I vote bedroom. Get one clean comfortable relatively dust free room, with a door that you can close on the rest of the house.

Then you just need to prioritise the works in terms of what makes sense order wise so you're not doubling back your trades and costing yourselves more money. It's not glamorous, it takes common sense and perseverence, not wobblers, but you're both allowed one.

There is no way out but through, you can do it, it's summer, take advantage of the months that you won't freeze and get as much done as you can before winter, get stuck in and you'll be glad you did.

How ridiculous and over dramatic. Just move in and do what needs to be done. No house will be perfect on day 1.
You'll lose thousands of pounds reselling straight away. At least 10 to 15k.
If you do the place up gradually and wait a few years you'll make loads of money on it.
I've done it twice. It's no big deal.

He sounds quite immature which would be really offputting for me.

It is q normal to have second thoughts about a house once you have moved in. Lots of people feel unsettled and don’t like the new place, even if they have moved into their dream house. It can take some adjustment.

Not moving in is not an option. He needs to suck it up and make an effort I’m afraid.

It can be all so overwhelming, especially when you have a series of unforeseen issues.

What needs to be done? Some peoples idea of un-inhabitable is the wrong colour paint on the walls - another persons is no roof!

My one suggestion (if it helps) is to do one room, make it beautiful, and then do the next. That way you can go into that room and relax away from the mess else where.

Ah, the dreaded reality of a renovation! It hits hard & fast but but you'll get through OP.
Sit down with a notebook, list what needs doing, then figure out how much time and money you have . With a schedule of jobs and a timeline both you and your DH will feel more on top of things.
Don't forget to allow enough rest time and don't pay people for things you can (and hopefully enjoy) do yourselves.
At least it's summer and you can have the windows open whilst diy-ing! Honestly though, breaking things down into 'this week or month for x budget' will get you there. Good luck.

Totally dependent on the issues but if you can make one room livable so you have a place to decompress. The rest of the house you need to tackle step by step. If it’s electrical/ heating/ damp etc then sort the basics first and then you can always leave cosmetics for a while while you get the important bits sorted.

If it’s major stuff then why wasn’t it picked up on surveys etc? Maybe there is a route if you feel things have been deliberately hidden but since you’ve got it now its probably worth just rolling your sleeves up and cracking on.

Sometimes it’s getting through the trying times that make a couple, but unfortunately if his go-to is to sulk and refuse to engage that doesn’t fill me with hope for the future tbh. He can’t just ignore a house and mortgage and it sounds like you need him to step up and actually be a partner in this with you.

Move in with or without him - don't engage with histrionics

Try and get him to go see a doctor

It must be very overwhelming to move in somewhere and have so much to do straightaway. But definitely you can’t just let the bank take it, surely that would mean you couldn’t a mortgage again?

Can you help by making a plan of action together so he knows it’s just one step at a time?

Hope you are ok too!!

Sounds like he’s throwing his toys out the pram.
As adults you made a choice. I’m sure you had valid reasons at the time. I know it seems an insurmountable amount of work BUT you don’t have to do it all at once. Like any task you need to break it down into manageable portions.
I would look at the essentials first regarding safety eg are the electrical and gas installations safe. If not that’s the first thing to do and electrics first.
What is the heating system like - well you have the rest of the summer to think about that.
I bought and moved into a house that the Estate Agent said was not liveable in. My husband and I moved in with 3 school age kids. The roof was ok, the electrics were not! We had to have it re-wired. We had no heating that first winter bar an open fire. and we moved in late September.
We bought the house at a good price and after a couple of years we took out a loan and did more work. It was that bad that the bath hot tap was seized up. We could only fill the bath with a hose attached to the hot tap of the wash basin. We continued doing that til we could afford to get a new bath, basin and toilet fitted. We tiled bathroom ourselves.
Break it down into small parts. Get one room liveable and work from there. We purchased our house over 40 years ago and I don’t think I ever want to move. I love the house that much.
You must have had a vision when you viewed the house. You just need to regain that vision and optimism. Don’t be too hard on your partner. Tell him you can do this if you pull together. And think how much pride you’ll have in your home in a few years time. Get friends and relatives on side. Summer’s here and I’d offer a working party with a bar-b-que at end of a day helping with renovations. Great way to build friendships. I promise you you’ll not regret it in a few years time.
Hugs to you both

Can you talk about it without getting cross, and just try to rationalise with him?

Tell him that at the moment you are more scared of his reactions than anything else that might be wrong with the house. Might it make him realise how his behaviour is impacting you?

I would talk about the fact that there is always a risk when buying a house that you will uncover issues that were unforeseen. Even with the best survey and the most careful investigations. The point of homeowning is that you can take action yourselves and choose the action you take, rather than waiting for a landlord to do it on a budget.