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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

535 replies

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 11:38

I just find it intrusive.

They very kindly babysat the other day, we came back and he'd done a couple of (pointless) jobs in the house.

I find it slightly judgemental, like my standards aren't high enough for him so he just has to put it right.

Also annoying that he's wasting time that could be spent with his grandchildren meddling around my house!

My feelings could come from my childhood though, my grandparents moved country when I was 1, dad moved town when I was 4, and my favourite auntie moved country when I was 5. Been largely on my own ever since because I have lots of younger siblings who needed/received more attention.

OP posts:
Stressfordays · 11/06/2024 21:31

diddl · 11/06/2024 21:29

Just because you were happy with it though doesn't mean that others ABU to not want it.

Plus your dad doing stuff with your kids is obviously different to Op's doing stuff instead of being with his GCs.

Show quote history

I guess my point is more along the lines of he's not doing it with anything other then good intentions. And one day, you may miss coming back to that. It's not worth causing a rift over.

LawrieForShepherdsBoy · 11/06/2024 21:30

@rewarrrrd ignore the goady posters. I don’t know why people get off on writing this nonsense online 🤷‍♀️

glad you’ve managed to rethink your FIL’s actions in light of posters comments. There are so many people who don’t/wont/can’t do that.

my DH’s aunt gets right under my feet in the kitchen. It’s her safe space. And now I’ve come to accept it, it’s really useful, especially given I only see her at large family gatherings. I think she’s like me (a bit overwhelmed by socialising) and uses the kitchen as a way to contribute and chat to people in smaller numbers.

diddl · 11/06/2024 21:29

Stressfordays · 11/06/2024 21:24

I'd give anything for my Dad to come and aimlessly fix things again. YABU, it's a form of showing love. He could of even had the grandkids helping him. My dad used to love doing that stuff with my kids. I miss him.

Just because you were happy with it though doesn't mean that others ABU to not want it.

Plus your dad doing stuff with your kids is obviously different to Op's doing stuff instead of being with his GCs.

Original poster
rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:27

👍🏻

OP posts:
AllPrincessAnneshorses · 11/06/2024 21:26

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:23

@AllPrincessAnneshorses what are you on about

You. Are. Being. Unreasonable. Coming here and refusing to see an alternative view is unreasonable.

Clear now?

Stressfordays · 11/06/2024 21:24

I'd give anything for my Dad to come and aimlessly fix things again. YABU, it's a form of showing love. He could of even had the grandkids helping him. My dad used to love doing that stuff with my kids. I miss him.

Original poster
rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:23

@AllPrincessAnneshorses what are you on about

OP posts:
MrsSkylerWhite · 11/06/2024 21:22

You’re right. It would be unnecessary. He’s being kind in the way he knows how.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 11/06/2024 21:21

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:18

I haven't dumped anything at all on him.

You're making things up for drama.

Translation: I won't accept I was being unreasonable and posted here for a boost. Sorry mate, not how this works.

Original poster
rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:19

katepilar · 11/06/2024 21:18

YANBU about not wanting him/anyone the jobs around your house.
YABU for not telling us what the jobs are.
YABU for considering descaling a shower pointless.
YABU for thinking he is judging you.

Didn't want to list the recent jobs, I'm overly paranoid about being outed and causing unnecessary offence and upset

OP posts:
AllPrincessAnneshorses · 11/06/2024 21:19

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:15

@AllPrincessAnneshorses Are you ok?

Fine thanks. Until you started patronising me. Stop it.

katepilar · 11/06/2024 21:18

YANBU about not wanting him/anyone the jobs around your house.
YABU for not telling us what the jobs are.
YABU for considering descaling a shower pointless.
YABU for thinking he is judging you.

Original poster
rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:18

I haven't dumped anything at all on him.

You're making things up for drama.

OP posts:
Psychologymam · 11/06/2024 21:18

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 11:52

Hardly awful of me. I said thank you and didn't show I was annoyed.

I just haven't grown up in a house where I've ever had any help. It's alien to me.

Honestly, if he's doing it out of love as most people have suggested, that makes me feel loads better about it.

I hate to think he does it out of judgement. But everyone is suggesting that's not the case?

Show quote history

my dad is the same - it’s his love language. Checks the car, does DIY, the garden etc. he also knows how busy it is with small kids and to him it’s how he helps! Same as my mom who brings dinners etc. of course if it feels intrusive say it, but he could judge silently, sounds more like he’s trying to be lovely !

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 11/06/2024 21:17

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:12

Sorry, but where have I offloaded anything onto anyone?

All your feelings about yourself and your history get dumped on him. Deal with them and stop making massive and unwarranted assumptions based on no evidence.

And the disingenuous response is annoying as f, now we're talking,

Original poster
rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:17

diddl · 11/06/2024 21:16

I wonder what the next generation of grandparents will be like? The presumption here is that FIL is doing DIY as he is a man and childcare is something completely alien to him, and many posters say their dad/FIL is the same.

I'm wondering how old he is.

Probably about my age-60.

I'd be very surprised if a man of that age hadn't been a hands on dad.

65 and wasn't. He was and still is very career focused. Very successful in his field, traditional gender roles at home.

OP posts:
diddl · 11/06/2024 21:16

I wonder what the next generation of grandparents will be like? The presumption here is that FIL is doing DIY as he is a man and childcare is something completely alien to him, and many posters say their dad/FIL is the same.

I'm wondering how old he is.

Probably about my age-60.

I'd be very surprised if a man of that age hadn't been a hands on dad.

Original poster
rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:15

@AllPrincessAnneshorses Are you ok?

OP posts:
AllPrincessAnneshorses · 11/06/2024 21:15

MrsSkylerWhite · 11/06/2024 20:49

redboxer321 · Today 13:24
**
I get it @rewarrrrd
You've asked him/he's offered to do something - spend time with his grandkids - but he's knows better than you and has done something else”

Otherwise known as providing free childcare.

Ah, but that's OPs right. Old people should just do as they are told then piss off. Got it.

Videopainic · 11/06/2024 21:13

I'm desperate for a handy man 😂I've got tons of little jobs to do, loose paving stone, sanding stuff painting...

I have no one to do them and I will need to buy help in but even I can understand if op unhappy.

Summertimer · 11/06/2024 21:12

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 12:00

One of the jobs was descaling the shower head.....

Show quote history

Send him round

Original poster
rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 21:12

Sorry, but where have I offloaded anything onto anyone?

OP posts:
AllPrincessAnneshorses · 11/06/2024 21:12

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Videopainic · 11/06/2024 21:12

@DAZZlanch I would have happily let my mum "help out" even if I didn't need it because she genuinely wanted to help and was sweet and loving and kind and never judged or said a bad word.

Mil is judgemental and unkind and constantly says bad words.

AllPrincessAnneshorses · 11/06/2024 21:10

rewarrrrd · 11/06/2024 12:08

Low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-confidence, probable ASD, diagnosed anxiety, the list goes on.

Show quote history

So it's OK to offload it all onto someone who is trying to help?

Alrighty then. 🤔

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