Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

I agree. And yes, you can send him my way - I really miss having my DF to do things around the house for me.

When the children are a bit older they might want to help - fetch things and that sort of thing. Some of my happiest memories are planting things with my grandad. He loved to potter.

I'm in my 60s and miss that so much even now.

I really don't think that generation would see helping out as being judgemental OP. They would like to help as much as possible.

Honestly I didn't get any help like that and I would have loved for my mum to do a bit of ironing or my dad to put up a curtain rail or fix the skirting board or my in laws for that matter. I'd see helping out as love. How else do you show it? Buying gifts is risky. People on here don't like you to be too involved with the children as that's seen as intrusive and 'you've had your turn'. Doing nothing is seen as being a drain on busy parents. It's very hard to get it right but your FiL sounds like he is trying to at least.

Have you never heard the saying, love is a verb?

It's a doing word, shown by actions.

Send him round here, he sounds like a godsend.

My Dad won't visit unless there are jobs for him to do. He never sits down except briefly to eat a sandwich or something. He turns up with a load of tools or bits of wood and potters around fixing taps and squeaky gates, pruning trees, replacing tiles for a couple of hours and goes again. I am now his only child and I'm a single parent so he feels like this is an important way to support me. And if i didn't let him do it id never see him. When my brother was terminally ill in hospital my dad could never just visit. He'd be in and out, trying to talk to doctors or resolve problems. Worried about traffic etc. I'd sit with my brother for days just drinking cups of tea and chatting about this and that and our dad would drive for two hours, come in and pace about and leave again "to get ahead of the traffic". We used to joke that if the hospital let him put up shelves he'd be a lot happier.

My ex MIL on the other hand used to try and find things to iron or clean despite me telling her not to and I hated it. I took her insistence on doing "jobs" as a very clear criticism. I think I was always meant to be single.

Bloody hell. Did you get it back? 😮

@rewarrrrd I totally get being freaked out by people doing practical stuff for you. If you've grown up having to look after yourself then it's quite a shock that other people would actually want to help.

With your FIL, could you pick one of the things that he does that doesn't annoy you next time he does stuff, thank him profusely for that and say something like, "would it be ok if I asked you to look at something specific next time?" or "I really appreciate that you like to give us practical help, I was wondering if you could possibly look at the downstairs loo tap for us, it's been dripping (or equivalent job)?" That way he still feels useful and you feel like you have some control over things that he does. And maybe broach you and/or DH making a list with him of stuff that any of you have noticed could do with some attention.

I'd bloody love a relative like this, though I appreciate it doesn't mean you must.

Think it's just personality – my mum is the type to be chit chatting with kids alongside doing stuff that needs being done, or showing them how to do it. My dad is more paternal and loves playing with/annoying & teasing little children.

@Londonrach1 child wasn’t anywhere near grandad. He preferred to spend time descaling a shower than spend time with grandchild

Its how certain men show love and a child love to Potter behind them. Yabu

Another who thinks YABU.
I can't put it better than the very first reply on P1.

I can kind of get where you are coming from, it drives me mad when my MIL comes and cleans my house, when I have just cleaned it. It does feel a bit judgemental, but she is a judgemental person, so maybe that's why it feels like that!
My FIL was a lovely man (sadly passed) and he would do odd jobs out of a genuine wish to be helpful, and also as he struggles to sit still. Same for my Dad, and I massively appreciated it.

The difference was that they did things which needed doing, and they were kind laid back people in general. I think we view an action in way we view the person doing it.

Be kind to yourself and try to accept that the help is coming from a kind place, and that you deserve that kindness

I understand your pov. If you've always done things yourself, had minimal input/support then someone doing something for you probably does feel like a judgement.

I agree with others, FIL wants to be useful and this is how he shows he cares for you and his son's family.

Next time he does something for you, look at him and thank him sincerely. Watch his eyes light up, he might even crack a smile. Watch closely. He won't give too much away,I guess he's probably not very demonstrative.

You'll make his day ❤️

Also remember you are worth someone's time and effort.

I do too.

I also don't necessarily think that it's a comment on the people who the work has been done for.

More the person who does it!

I agree with posters saying YABU - he's doing it to show love - his love language will be acts of service!

@DAZZlanch my mum happily told me I I had put on weight, to put make up on etc but as crazy as it sounds it wasn't hurtful.

I'm with you op. I think it's rude to take it upon yourself to do handiwork or cleaning in someone else's home unless otherwise agreed.

Send him my way please! Since DD joined us my 'man to do list' has grown arms and legs. Pre DD the DIY in the house was done by me as DH is handless (by his own admission!) and sadly we don't have a handy grandad between us 💖

I've definitely reached the chapter in my life where I have men to do various things in my phone!

As with lots of relationships, it’s never straightforward is it? My mum used to be sweet and loving. Old age has made her blunt and uncompromising and sometimes incredibly judgmental (told me I’d ruined my life when I told her I was pregnant aged 33 😂😂). I just try to see, remember and bring out the good in her, which is easier done some days than others!

Not an in law as mine lived too far away but when my parents visited when DC were little and I was a lone parent DM loved to babysit or just play with DC, DF loved DC but wasn’t great at playing with them so he would either ask or find jobs to do
Things like weeding, clearing the gutters or drains, power washing the patio n drive even cleaning windows
He was happiest outside and as they grew DC would go and help him
I miss him dearly

First of all, she hasn't caused a rift. She hasn't even said anything to him about it. Secondly, someone having good intentions doesn't make it ok to just do whatever they think you might appreciate or what they think you need. Saying you did something "out of love" isn't an automatic pass to do what you think is best for someone else and for the recipient to be ok with it. It really isn't. Respecting someone's right to make choices about their own home shouldn't be a hard concept to grasp.

Op has said she can see it from the other side now, and will try and reframe it. How is that not seeing an alternative view? Strange (and weirdly angry) comment.