Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

Personally I think YABU ! He probably thinks he’s doing you a good turn by fixing these things. There’s always something needing sorted in my house I would bloody love this x

Relax and enjoy him helping out. If you say anything they'll stop coming and you'll regret it!!

Has the ‘send the free babysitter that also does odd jobs around the house for free round to my place’ gag been made yet?

Yes? About a million times…?

So what else has he done? Both pointless and fine!

Think it through. And work out what is bothering you so much.

Is it boundaries? Is it the thought of them freely poking through your home and privacy and changing things?

Or do you really feel it's negative judgement and they're not just "trying to be helpful"?

But you asked them to babysit??

Could you not sit down and discuss what jobs you would like to happen and what jobs they would like to help out with? Just create some boundaries.

But if grandpa isn't playing with your child, he probably didn't play with his own children at that age either. He's probably trying to keep himself usefully occupied to avoid playing with the grandchild - because that's not his comfort zone.

It’s his way of showing he cares

Please listen to me 😊
I am now 70+ and have a lot of life experience.
My advice? Just be grateful for the help. It might be his way of showing he cares. A lot of men show their caring side by doing ‘stuff.’
He is probably not judging you at all. If you pick up any ‘judginess’ then I understand.
Eg when I was much (much!) younger,single parent, stressful job,always knackered I would sometimes ask my mum and dad (retired) to pick bits up for me like bread, milk etc ( before mobiles email,online shopping )they would oblige and drop off the items. My mum would, for example, clean and tidy the kitchen then make really shitty comments like “Well I had to do it because you obviously are not doing it.” And other awful comments.
I fucking HATED it. It was so nasty. Why not “I thought it would help you, love.i know how busy you are.”
Eventually I took my key off them and stopped asking them to pick stuff up from the shops.
If your FIL is doing jobs and not making shitty comments but clearly trying to help - let him get on with it.
Long post 😊 - but it brought back crap memories 😕

When my Dad visits he always wants to fix stuff. He has got to an age where that is hard on him and he apologizes for not being able to help. Lol We live like 800 miles away so only visits here with Mom once year. I just want him to relax. He does now. He loves his computer so I bought one for my ofc so he can be on it whenever he's here. He always has to make sure I'm up to date on all updates. I only use my phone. That is not a judgement, he is just showing love how he can.

Tell me you haven’t read the thread without saying you haven’t read the thread.

OP- protect this man at all costs! He sounds amazing.

When I brought my first place, the first thing my older colleagues said is that parents need to feel needed! This is FILs way on being there for you and caring.

My parents used to come to stay for a couple of weeks in the summer to mind ds, Mum would often message me to ask did I mind if she did the ironing/washed the windows/etc. I always said go ahead!
Probably better if FiL asks first but I would still be delighted

Please send him my way to look after dc and do jobs! X

PILs just can't win, can they?

Your love language obviously isn’t acts of service, I really don’t think it’s from a place of judgement, he just likes to tinker. I would love nothing more than to have someone do pointless jobs for me, it would make me feel so cared for. My mum hated doing any kinds of acts of service, so I never felt loved by her. You are both just speaking different love languages.

Totally depends on how they are and I know where you are coming from. My mum will do jobs like empty the dishwasher or put the washing out that are clearly helpful I would need to do.

My MIL (not that we are currently speak due to lots of other issues!)..very rarely when she would look after them at ours instead of carting them to theirs and back which they much prefer, will go through my kitchen drawers and re-organise them.. I find this intrusive and don’t like her looking through paperwork etc!
Father in law last time cleaned and re-organised the fridge. Probably wouldn’t feel so judged except they openly talk about how other people are messy all of the time and their house actually looks tidier than a show home so no doubt they do the same about us.

Both my in laws and my parents do jobs for me when they come to babysit. Me and my husband both work and we have 3 dc. They just want to hell and by them doing it they know they are taking the pressure off me a little bit. I’m extremely grateful to have them. I don’t think for one minute he will be doing it maliciously because he doesn’t think your standards aren’t good enough he will think he is helping.

Send him to my house I’ll gladly take the jobs

A lot of people will say you are being unreasonable, and that you should be grateful, but this is totally intrusive!

You asked for the kids to be looked after, what were they doing while he did these little jobs?

A lot of people get out of babysitting by doing housework. My mother in law is as intrusive as they get, I despise this.

I would just tell him that you don't want him doing these jobs in the future

my parents are like this, they mean well but it is annoying!

They won't stop though, I've asked them many times....

Now I just "direct" them in a way that I find vaguely helpful, by leaving a list of chores and giving my mum free rein over the garden. I even gather up a pile of "ironing" before they come for my mum to do (very few of our clothes actually need ironing lol)

I wouldn’t mind someone doing odd jobs (putting dishes away, running the hoover or mop over) but i absolutely hate when my MIL does my laundry. I came home once after (one of the very few times) she baby sat and wet thongs were on my radiator. I was mortified. So was DH! 🥴

Yes, the OP's uncertainty about her FIL's behaviour definitely, absolutely, emphatically requires another poster to yell 'omg he's obviously a narcissicist'. Yes, that was staggeringly helpful. Well done. 🙄

No, you're clearly not. Please don't take.comments like this to heart.

That's a fair point. I did try to address it head-on with her, though I was a young, conflict avoidant people pleaser at the time and she may well have not understood what I was saying (my suspicion is that she didn't want to hear what I was saying, but perhaps I'm being unfair).

The relief I felt at getting her to back off was physically palpable - feeling at home in my own home again, even when she was there.

And there's no need to dread being a mother in law. Even if your DiL is sarcastic with you from time to time, as you figure out your boundaries with eachother, it's hardly the end of the world.

When my children were young, my inlaws would deep clean my house when we went on holiday. I chose not to over think it and instead enjoy coming home to a clean home.

He painted the furniture! OMG, that's hilarious.