Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

Theyre just helping you, try to change your mindset... i personally hate when people touch my stuff aswell but really try not to be annoyed. If they move something, move it back. And dont dwell on it. Its their way of helping

I think this may just be a mismatch in experience/ showing love. Your FIL likes to show he cares by doing stuff. That said, I do understand it can also be infuriating. If he is otherwise kind/ well-meaning please try and see it that way and also be kinder to yourself.

@rewarrrrd are your own family involved and close? Are you unused to families helping each other out? I hope you can start to think of this as a positive of being part of a loving family.

What does his son think?

'Low self-esteem, low self-worth, low self-confidence, probable ASD, diagnosed anxiety, the list goes on.'

Yet you can't consider his feelings that he wants to feel useful, needed and gets joy from helping his loved ones.

Naval gazing and feeling sorry for yourself will lead to being self centred. Appreciated the help and perhaps guide him to things that you feel would be more useful to you rather than you judging him for helping.

This has made me a bit teary and remembering my wonderful father who was never without a screwdriver in his back pocket and quietly did a hundred little jobs.

Unlike my fil (and mil) who’d just sit there and expect to be waited on hand and foot. Off topic but fil kept calling the hospital when I was having dd and telling dh to hurry up because they were bored looking after ds . If only he’d busied himself with a few odd jobs!

I can see where you’re coming from. I’d feel a bit judged, like he thought I was too lazy to do it. Or, because I’m quite private, find it a bit invasive that he was poking around finding stuff to fix. But I think you have to see it as his way of helping you. Or “his love language is fixing things” as they would say on Instagram. And make a list of jobs if you don’t want him randomly doing stuff.

I honestly think it's out of love and Tring to be helpful and save you a job.
I've ended up in the funny situation of when ds1 comes over to ours and we are not in he will put the laundry on or peg the washing or any small job. When I'm at his and he's not in I've found myself doing the same.

It’s possible that jobs are his love language. (Like feeding people was my mother’s.)

But this is different. In Op's case, her parents are babysitting while she is out at work/doing other things. It only really takes one adult to look after the child so the other adult is getting on with other things. My dad is very handy but if we're all at home together, we're chatting or having lunch or whatever. If he's at my house alone, he might use the time to do a few chores or make a meal for later.

OP, I agree that it's a sign of his care. But if it bothers you, ask him to do something. he'll probably be thrilled to be appreciated for his DIY skills, and you can direct him to things you actually need/want done.

My mum used to tackle my ironing pile every time she visited. She ironed beautifully - much better than me - so I was beyond grateful.

My FIL expects to be waited on hand and foot when he visits and doesn't lift a finger at home either. Can we swap?

I’m sorry you have all these issues. But do recognise he’s there, he’s trying to help out, the issues are your own, please don’t make them about him,

amd if he wants to come descale my shower head, send him my way. And do child care at the same time. What a star.

Do you feel judged?

Many, many years ago I was outraged when my (first) DMIL did a pile of ironing .... I felt my 'housewife' skills were bing judged ... pathetic I know.

Years later - new DMIL - I felt irritated that she didn't offer to help with the ironing when I was struggling with pregnancy and not feeling well.

I think sometimes we are our own worse enemies ... just accept the help gracefully.

I’ll buck the trend and admit I don’t like this. My dad always did it: would come to stay and I’d end up sat in the lounge alone while he did something apparently vital. Then he died very suddenly, and I just wish he’d actually talked to me instead of pruning back bushes or whatever.

You know your FIL best but I think that a lot of men do this to show that they care and because it’s what they are good at. They don’t want to sit around while their wives work and do childcare because it’s not a good impression for the kids and some people don’t like sitting around.

I’m a single parent and would love a man to come around for that kind of thing. I live in a heavy scale area and would love someone to descale my shower head l.

I wouldn’t see it as a judgement on you. Maybe he thinks that his son should be taking time to do those sort of home maintenance tasks but does them because he sees his son doing more childcare than he did back then ?

My mum just told me recently that my late darling dad just loved doing jobs for me and my older brother. Please let your fil carry on doing wee jobs for you. It's giving him pleasure xx

Leave a list of little jobs and let him crack on!!!!!!

I can't talk about a Dad perspective as he'd died before I got married.

My mum used to do this. I did find it irritating until I realised it was how she showed she cared. She did my ironing when mine were little. She died about 12 years ago and I miss her. And I've realised you can never have too many people caring about you.
Can you reframe it as an act of love?

My parents came to help me out looking after the kids when I had a work conference. My dad is incapable of sitting down and doing nothing for an extended period, so I'd find him outside (mind you, he's in his 70s) digging out a drain in my garden, or scraping the weeds from between the patio stones or re-painting my garage doors or 1 of 100 other jobs (I did ban him from climbing ladders this time around..)

I'd have got round to them eventually (they're just not high priority for me), I'd have probably done them in a more efficient manner/more to my tastes but he wants to do stuff, and he's doing me a favour babysitting, so I am appreciative and try to seed him with ideas of easy jobs that he can do to stay occupied, which have a lower risk of me having to redo them.