Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

My grandmother once cleaned my grey "distressed" boots with black polish. Intrusive? Maybe. However, I love my grandmother more than a pair of shoes so I found the gesture to be lovely.

Yabu.

It's love, not judgement.

Family can still be rude! When does helping become intrusive. There have been many threads on here where MIl has reironed clothes because obviously the DIL can’t iron shirts properly, rearranged cupboards/drawers, moved furniture, ruined clothes by washing in too hot wash, throwing out rug because they didn’t like it, replaced furniture/ornaments with something more their taste, destroying wild meadow garden the list goes on. But these parents all said they were helping.

It wasn't a dig at you. I mean, you could say something if you felt particularly strongly about it. I am all for open communication.
Just don't mention that you think he is judging you. But, at the end of the day, if you don't want him to do it - say something.

No, I wouldn't, I'd just say 'well do it yourself then'! No skin off my nose if they want someone trying to save them a job not to bother. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest! But then both sides of mine and my husbands family all help each other out in a multitude of areas and don't get pappy about 'overstepping'.

My MIL wanders round the house when she's over pointing out things that need to be done and she takes it upon herself to just 'do things' and it irritates me so much. I find it invasive and quite rude. If and when I become a mil I'd always ask first if they'd like me to do something. I wouldn't just start it.

I'm very proud and as a result of MIL's behaviour I feel like the house has to be spotless everytime she comes over with the garden mowed, flowers pruned etc which makes me so stressed out in the lead up to her visits.

Yes it might be her way of showing love but not all people like to receive this kind of love. It's horses for courses. I'm a massive introvert and my home is my safe space where only either myself or my husband decide how we're going to have things.

But the FIL doesn't know the OP doesn't like it. I am willing to bet my annual salary she never told him how she felt about it.

Pretty much anyone in my family is allowed to do whatever the hell they want in my house. We all have each other's keys and can show up unannounced and go make ourselves a cup of tea.
When I have friends staying, I tell them they can do anything, go anywhere and use anything in the house. If someone want's to clean the loo, it's much appreciated. In fact, we have someone staying with us at the moment and he already cooked three dinners last week, took the dog out for a walk and scrubbed the bathroom. All of which is much appreciated.

@sandorschicken would you carry on doing something in your DC’s house if you knew they didn’t like it, because you are the parent so can do whatever you want?

And so what if they are? If they want to get their knickers in a twist about your standards then let them? I couldn't give a shit if anyone thinks my standards aren't good enough. I do give a shit that I don't have to sort my washing out when I come back home from work. What anyone thinks of me and the way I live my life washes straight over me! And yes, lots of times parents and parents in law simply want to help you out, no agenda they just happen to be nice people.

@notacooldad OP has said they have history of overstepping

Oh OP. Sorry that this has thrown up difficult feelings for you. I do think it’s done with good intentions. My Dad is the same, if he notices something needs a small repair or adjustment he helps himself to the toolbox and gets the job done. I think it’s done with kindness.

He's definitely not judging you. I would imagine he feels as if he is helping and saving you a job. He wouldn't descale a shower head because he thinks you are dirty. More like he knows how to do it, has done it before and knows that you probably don't have time to do it. Appreciate it probably feels weird when you aren't used to it though.

There was a thread not so long ago about a MIL who couldn't help 'tinkering' every time she came over - cleaning, rearranging items etc The OP hated it and felt undermined and judged, and just wanted her house how SHE wanted it. The vast majority of replies were on her side and felt the MIL was overstepping the mark.

I agree with you OP. It might well come from a place of love and care and wanting to be useful, but i think your FIL needs to ask, or wait to be asked, before taking it upon himself to help. One day he might do something you really didn't want done and you'll end up falling out.

His feelings don't over ride yours, it's your home.

but it’s not their house. What degree of family would this be acceptable for, third cousin twice removed!
Off the top of my head I would say it's ok for parents to this.
Oh Fil is a parent.
Come on, he's hardly rummaging through ops knicker drawer.
It sounds like he's fixing a lose screw. Which sounds like some posters on here need.

When my fil comes to visit he sits on my couch watching videos on his phone and occasionally looks up to tell me (irish) irish jokes . I wish he'd get up off his arse and do a bit 🙄

@sandorschicken how do you know they aren’t saying your standards aren’t good enough, plenty of us have family (own or in laws) who are very much saying your standards aren’t good enough under the guise of helping

@rewarrrrd Do you know about the “5 love languages”? (There’s a book and a quiz).

The 5 ways that people express their affection are: physical touch, quality time, gifts, words of appreciation and “acts of service”.

I find many of the older generation (my ex MiL, my DF and a recent ex BF are “do-ers” and can’t stand sitting around and show love not in”huggy” ways and words but sorting out cupboards etc.

Ex BF (slightly older 😂) loved nothing more than checking my car oil, taking my car to pump up the tyres, unblocking sinks, putting up shelves, mowing the lawn, etc. I would find it annoying when he walked in & found a wobbly cupboard door, as though I was failing in some way, but I realised it made him feel manly to fix it.

Men love feeling useful I’ve found! Give FiL a list! Later he can show your DC too.

But you wouldn't share lots of things with your 3rd cousin twice removed that you would with your parents. Parents and children, if you're lucky, help each other out.

I think you're fortunate he wants to help but I do understand why you might have seen it in a negative light. Try not to, he sounds like a good chap. I agree with the PP who suggested leaving him some things to do. Sounds like it'll save you a job and he'd enjoy doing it!

My FIL comes to pick our dog up each weekday morning. He lets himself in, has a look to see if there is any washing in the machine and hangs it out if there is, same with the dryer and then folds it! Washes the breakfast pots! He's a keeper! He's retired and it keeps him busy! They're not saying your standards arnt good enough - they're doing it to help you out so you don't have to do it!