Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

My DD's love language is fixing things, I've been on holiday and come home to find new light fittings, door handles replaced etc, he has never said. I love you but anytime I see him he asks if my house is ok....it's his way of looking out for you

Please send him to ours

My MIL is nosey and intrusive and I know she'd HATE it if it was done in her house 😂 in fact I don't think she got on particularly well with her own MIL

Well don't know about rearrange but I've cleaned my mums kitchen when in her house alone and bored.
We're obviously from different types of families so let's agree to disagree !

God I would love that. I’d be writing them never ending lists of all the stuff I’ve been meaning to do but just haven’t had the chance to do myself/organise a tradesperson to help with.

My ex MIL was just like this. I'd go mad trying to have the place spotless and perfect before she arrived, and she'd always find something to improve - even rearranging our nicknaks, putting out on display things I'd stored away, it all felt so intrusive. Then one visit I had the inspiration of letting things slide a bit, when she arrived I said, "I've left the washing up for you, and there's tidying to do too." The intrusive "help" stopped instantly.

@Itsallsostressful why do parents get a get out of jail free card to come into their adult DC’s homes and start doing things they think their DC want doing? Does it go the other way and adult DC can rearrange their parents house etc?

But we're not talking about distant relatives we're talking about parents in this case...maybe I should have said parents not family !

As an aside yes I would be the same ie he is doing that job as he thinks I am useless and incompetent.

I am assuming that he does not think that so 2 options let him carry on doing the jobs, sit with the uncomfortable feeling and reframe his actions as coming from a place of care or, if it's making you feel very very not comfortable then tell him to stop, explaining why. He will probably be quite surprised!

Personally I think anything cleaning is out of bounds as you can do it but have chosen not to. Fixing something for me would be different as I potentially do not have the skills/tools do that . But even so, it's not his house so he should ask. But, I appreciate that I am bringing my own baggage to these comments as is everyone else.

I love doing jobs at other peoples houses, especially my kids. They are always thankful but I always remind them that they are doing me a favour by letting me do them. It's a shame that your insecurities etc made you look at this in such a sad negative light.

Give the man a list. My dad would do this especially when DC were little. The kids were always mums domain really. They just fall into their roles. Grandad would play with them in the garden while mum made dinner. He had no idea how to do bedtime and wanted to be useful so would start fixing anything he could find. Once DC got older he interacted with them more and started showing them how to fix things as well. He's gone now and it's a loss for all of us. I think it really depends on whether or not you assume goodwill or not.

My Dad is like this. His love language, as with many of his generation is Acts of Service. He rarely says I love you, isn’t one for many hugs, but he just loves doing things for me that I didn’t ask. Often I come to my parents house and my dad disappears and I find he is out washing my car. Fixing things. Mowing the lawn. He just loves to do it and it’s way of caring for me and I just love it.

I completely understand op. I hated it when anyone (my parents or inlaws) did jobs around our house. It's OUR house, not theirs. And it annoyed me to hell that they didn't have the basic intelligence to see that it could be intrusive as well.

Have you ever thought about working in mental health services/becoming a counsellor? I am just bowled over by your empathy and understanding.

@Ilovemyshed only if the grandchildren were watching him. Maybe they were with MIL whilst she babysat them, reinforcing gender stereotypes which this thread is, because it’s great that FIL does DIY and not actually babysit

I'm having this issue literally today. My dad has turned up with a mower (as ours isn't good enough) and has decided to cut the grass. OH hates it and has spiralled into a feeling of being "under siege". Wants me to have strong words (as if he listens to me). He means well but has communication problems. Just wish OH could see the intention rather than perceive it as judgment, because if I raise it, I can see him being offended (thinking that it's ungrateful).
Sigh!

Op I do get why you're annoyed and yes sometimes inlaws do interfere for the reasons you said but it can also be for good reasons. We can't tell you which it is, me personally where my inalws never did anything for us and never helped.. the one time they offered was because my fil was making negative comments about the chimneys in our house.. so naturally it annoyed me but that's because I know their true feelings towards us. You must know your Inlaws by now and how they are and so on, so really it's you that needs to decide if he's doing these jobs to be kind or not.

I get what you are saying. My FIL cut down a pear tree that was 'blocking the light' in his opinion- I loved it and was absolutely livid!
FIL has died now and, looking back, I can see he was trying to give help and guidance in his own way.

I think its great. Also he's demonstrating practical skills to your kids, god knows they need it these days!

Like PP, give him a list of things "in case he has a moment". He's of the generation that needs to do things.

I get it @rewarrrrd
You've asked him/he's offered to do something - spend time with his grandkids - but he's knows better than you and has done something else.
I'd find it interfering and disrespectful and feel like he's giving you the message that you can't cope without him. Classic narcissistic traits (not suggesting he is NPD) of needing to be needed.
Obviously your own issues mean that it effects you more than people with genuine self esteem and self worth but I can't believe that the majority of people would find it at least annoying.
Hope you find a solution to it all.