Father in law does jobs around our house when they babysit. I hate it

For me it's a mum thing. Dad's way of showing love is cooking up a storm. Mum is a tidier and fixer upper.

Yeah it is. But since he does pretty much fuck all cleaning or jobs he can get stuffed

I think it's probably out of love for your DP OP rather than any judgement to you. However I think it's completely understandable that you'd feel judged. It depends on your relationship with your FIL. It's similar to when a MIL starts to get the vacuum out....seems like meddling but not always intended as such.

Grandads love doing jobs like that. It makes them feel useful and comes from a place of love, not judgement

My Dad descaled our bathroom taps when he came over once, another time when me and my DH had first moved in and were still young, I thought he'd just gone for a breath of fresh air in the garden - but I found him pulling a load of ivy off the back of house. He wasn't being judgey, just saw something to fix I guess, and it did do us a favour there, though he probably should have asked. Less helpful was the time he got up early and messed up our telly for an hour by rejigging our set up to tune into freeview channels because he thought the picture looked better than through our satellite subscription... 🙄😁

Please send him to mine

This. He's showing you he cares about you all.

Get In!

Nope - we read the post where she said that the BILs wife doesn't speak to them because she felt the had overstepped. Nothing to do with OP’s personal experience, which she acknowledges she sees as him as being kind if somewhat old fashioned and entrenched in gender stereotypical roles.

If you’ve grown up in a difficult family or have ASD, OP, it is definitely hard to adapt to well meaning PiLs who just want to help and support, no matter how clumsily - I am the same (also AuDHD) and awful childhood. Hated when MiL would make meals of offer me a cuppa in my own bloody house! Got over it once I realised it wasn’t criticism but a way to show she cared.

The PP suggestion above to channel his enthusiasm with jobs you really would like doing, OP, and that fee up DH to help/be with you, is a great one. We used to do that - say, “when you’re down next would you mind looking at X? We’re not sure if we should call someone..” and he would spend ages researching it, making sure he had the right parts on hand.

We yes. If the OP is ASD this would not be unusual at all

I was just thinking today how much I miss my FIL who would have done all these jobs and more besides because he loved us and hated to see us struggling with all the spinning plates of life and just wanted to help. And how much I miss my own dad who would have loved to have helped in the same way but sadly could not have hit a nail with a map. I know where you're coming from OP but remember that he loves you and this 'helping' is exactly that. Love. In DIY form.

For those saying it is coming from a place of love did you read OP's post where she says the other DIL hardly speaks to the MIL/FIL because they have overstepped so much?

You would think in that situation they would check with OP whether she is happy with what they are doing

My dad does this...he loves to feel useful and finding small things around the house that we've not had a chance to do, makes him feel needed. Definitely a sign of love! I now usually find him a few small things to fix now...he is in his element!

The day I was diagnosed with a life limiting condition, my dad came round and build a fence in my garden. He was in his late 60s at the time and had no idea how else to show support and emotions. I remember thinking WTF I could do with you indoors but that was all he had to give so I just took it.

I hear your frustration but I feel like its coming from a place of love.

This. My FiL was not hands on with my DH and DSiL, although he was loving and happily took them places or played cricket with them when they were older. He’s been the same with ours. Loving, interested, but until they were old enough to go into his attic and play with the HUGE model trainset (or play cricket) he was at a loss.

He showed his love for us by tinkering - making sure the radiators were bled, fixing any curtain poles that looked a bit iffy. He even came and spent a month building/laying a patio (DH helped after work and at weekends) a job that saved us over £20k at the time. It lasted 15 years and we’ve only just replaced it. We let him do it as it was his way - his generation’s way - of showing he cared and of trying to do something for us that we might value. He never visited without his toolbox and we both teased him and loved him for it.

He has Parkinson's now and the kids are teens, but they adore him. As do I. He was more of a dad to me than my own was. I’d really encourage you to try to come to appreciate what your FiL is offering and what he’s trying to communicate to you all.

Please tell me how he did it ? Trying everything and its not working

My mother used to do this, tidying up, reorganising, etc. I too found it intrusive. So I completely get it.
I asked her to stop, but she couldn't help herself, she just could stop. In the end I just stopped asking her to babysit in my house.

Aww that's lovely.🥰

How strange your wording and thoughts are. Growing up with loving parents/relatives isn't the same as "having help". Even if it's help, it's what all children (and adults tbh) are entitled to.

Can I adopt him please? There's lots of useless jobs he could do. I'd be leaving him a list, a very long list!!

My MIL was dog sitting for a few days and did my laundry. I am still mad - she put a bright yellow jumper in with darks and every time I look at it, I feel sad. because i got it in the sale and loved it. And now it is a dull yellow. Why couldn't she stay the fuck out of my laundry basket!!!

Is he retired? He's probably just thinking you have very busy lives so doing the little jobs you don't get round to doing. Just say thanks we've been meaning to do that.

I could do with him to fix my dripping tap.🤣🤣🤣

Feeling judgement from someone simply doing a nice thing is your own issue/problem to work on. It’s part of the ever increasing ‘world revolves around me and my feelings’ attitude people have. They drive people away with their shitty responses to people trying to do a nice thing and then moan that they get no help from anyone a few years later.

@Hawkerslife @LilyBartsHatShop

I think my late MIL was similar to yours. We did get on quite well but I always felt more comfortable visiting them than feeling I was having my house/cleaning/cooking judged or "improved" each time they came here. (I always offered to help with washing up/cooking etc )

I don't think she meant it in that way (although she was a bit controlling) but i actually think her raison d'etre was looking after people and doing stuff for them - but it made me feel like there was an unreachable standard that I'd never be able to achieve!

Its a dad thing ... they feel useful and its their way of helping.

Sometimes its frustrating. But its their way of showing love. My dad used to do it. Drove me insane. What I wouldn't give now for him to walk in now with his screwdriver.

Be grateful. It is a job you don't have to do. He isn't soing thia criticlly